AITA for not inviting my partner’s ex to our wedding, even though they have a child together?
A person on Reddit wondered if they were wrong for excluding their future spouse’s former partner from their wedding. Although they recognize the ex-partner’s significance in their child’s life, they’re uneasy about the possible anxiety stemming from her alcohol problems and the friction between them. Read the original story below for details on the difficulties they’re encountering while completing the guest list.
‘ AITA for not inviting my partner’s ex to our wedding, even though they have a child together?’
My soon-to-be husband (34M) and myself (31F) are in the process of solidifying our wedding guest list. He has a daughter from a prior relationship, and we’re making every effort to involve her. The problem arises with his former partner (the daughter’s mother), who anticipates receiving an invitation to the ceremony.
My partner and I primarily care for my daughter, while her mother visits perhaps one weekend each month. While she is generally pleasant, she struggles with excessive alcohol consumption, which negatively alters her demeanor.
Although I realize she plays a significant role in our daughter’s life, I am uneasy with her presence at the wedding. Based on my understanding, she hasn’t taken any action to address her alcohol issues, and I am concerned about the decisions she might make during the event. I don’t want to have to worry about that on the big day.
We’ve generally gotten along well, mainly for our daughter’s benefit, though we’ve definitely had our share of friction and arguments. Like that time she showed up intoxicated, demanding more time with our daughter and accusing me of acting like her mother. I get her perspective, and she’s usually pleasant, but she’s dealing with some unresolved issues right now.
I’ve previously attempted to discuss the matter with her, mainly thinking of her daughter, but she dismisses it, even when she hasn’t been drinking. I’m hoping our wedding will focus on my fiancé and me, and not on any uncomfortable situations or problems.
My partner intends to maintain a cordial relationship for the sake of our daughter (and also suspects his former partner is irritated by our upcoming marriage, a sentiment amplified by her exclusion from the guest list) yet is aware of my perspective.
His former partner has already voiced her dissatisfaction at not receiving an invitation, and I’m concerned this will generate further complications. Nonetheless, I want our wedding day to be about celebrating our relationship without the anxiety of any potential actions on her part. Am I the Asshole?
These are the responses from Reddit users:
CrewelSummer − NTA. It’s a rare case where an ex partner gets invited to the wedding, even when kids are shared. There will be plenty of people there the child knows. Plenty of people who will likely be willing to keep an eye on them. She can hang out with her grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins when the bride and groom are busy. Mom doesn’t need to be there.
If your mother has a drinking issue that she is ignoring, then she *shouldn’t* attend. That’s practically a recipe for disaster. If she is unable to cope with the relatively common experience of not being invited to a former partner’s wedding, how can she possibly cope with the far more difficult experience of seeing her former partner marry someone else and proceed with their life? She will not handle it well, without a doubt, and after consuming alcohol, it is highly probable that she will create a disturbance.
Your marriage ceremony shouldn’t revolve around your spouse’s parental responsibilities with their former partner, nor should it give undue importance to that relationship. Actually, this is an opportunity for you to assert yourself and clearly define and maintain limits with the ex-partner. If she concludes that creating a scene is an effective method to achieve her objectives, expect her to employ this tactic indefinitely.
owls_and_cardinals − NTA. It doesn’t sound like your fiancee wants her there because they are close but to avoid conflict. That, to me, is not a fair ask of you. Outside of exceptional circumstances in which a couple is close with one of the people’s ex, it would seem odd to me for her to be invited and for her to expect to be invited.
She appears to anticipate special treatment, which you are not required to provide. Considering that alcohol will likely be available, and given her history with alcohol, inviting her seems like a particularly poor decision, as it could potentially lead to negative outcomes.
Lovebeingadad54321 − So let me get this straight… your fiancé’s a**oholic ex, who barely had visitation with her own daughter, due to her a**oholism…. Thinks she needs to be at YOUR wedding, to spend time with her daughter…. That is not just a no but a “f**king no way” no….. NTA
She should dedicate time to her daughter: she could enter treatment, achieve sobriety, maintain it for a period of a couple of years, and then request the court for extended visits or shared custody. However, her daughter’s safety comes first, so being near her is not an option until she’s sober.
Kasparian − How old is the daughter?
needabook55 − NTA. It’s you and your fiancé’s wedding and you can invite who you want to. If she has a drinking problem, inviting her to the wedding could be an issue because if she gets drunk and starts to misbehave, you should have to get someone to escort her out, which could cause more problems later on.
If the co-parents have an amicable relationship, I’m aware that some individuals might invite the other parent to the wedding, particularly if they have young children. This allows for childcare during the reception or ensures the children are taken home following the ceremony/reception, granting the newlyweds a night alone. However, it appears you may not share such a relationship with your child’s mother.
Due-Passenger7093 − NTA not even a question… it’s your wedding… your fiancé might want to man up and realize that you and his wedding are more important than an uncomfortable talk to his ex… unless the mother is actively breastfeeding (it does very much not sound like it) she has no buisness being at the wedding unless you want her there… i’m sure the kid is fine without her there
Alinaoana − NTA. No need for so much explaining, really. She’s the ex and you don’t want her there is enough reason. I am happy your partner is on your side, green flag there. Congratulations and just enjoy your big day!
Bethechsnge − No, just no. This is not someone you want to have at a celebration of your relationship, and he is wrong to ask you to have her there. The potential disaster is too high. You will never regret not having her there. You are highly likely to throughly regret having her there. The cost/benefit does not make it worth the risk.
yorgun_0073 − NTA. Your wedding day should be about you, your fiancé, and your joy together. While it’s important to consider the feelings of others, especially when a child is involved, you are not obligated to invite someone who might disrupt the celebration or cause stress due to unresolved personal issues.
It’s commendable that you’ve cultivated a positive dynamic with her for your stepdaughter’s benefit. However, your wedding is a limit you have every right to establish, particularly considering her past erratic actions. It appears you and your partner concur on the optimal course for your wedding day, which is paramount.
Perhaps there’s an alternative method to help his daughter experience a bond with her mother surrounding the wedding, such as a dedicated trip together either before or after the event.
NOTTHATKAREN1 − Who TF invites their ex to their wedding? Nobody. There is literally no valid reason for her to be there.
Is the person posting on Reddit right to exclude their partner’s former spouse from the wedding, or should they have extended an invitation for the benefit of their child? What strategies would you employ to manage intricate family relationships in a wedding scenario like this? Post your opinions in the comments!
