AITA for telling my husband I’m done with his “help” around the house?

A 31-year-old woman is annoyed that her 34-year-old husband’s attempts to assist with domestic tasks are badly done, often creating more labor or destruction. Even though she has tried to show him how to do things properly, he ignores her suggestions and says she is bossy.

Following an awkward situation where he lost some of his things while trying to “clean up”, she asked him to refrain from offering help if he wasn’t able to do it correctly. Her spouse is now feeling hurt and accusing her of being unappreciative. The original story can be found below.

‘ AITA for telling my husband I’m done with his “help” around the house?’

My spouse (34M) and I (31F) have been a couple for eight years and spouses for five. We are both employed full-time, so we have always divided domestic tasks. However, his interpretation of “helping” is problematic. For instance, I might request his “help” with the laundry.

He will consent, but rather than separating items such as fragile garments or ensuring pockets are empty, he simply puts everything in the washing machine using a single program. This has damaged clothing and created irreparable stains. The same pattern occurs in the kitchen.

He claims to be “helping” when he cooks, but in reality, he creates a disaster, leaving all the dirty dishes in the sink, and inexplicably manages to soil every single dish and cooking utensil. I’ve made attempts to guide him, offering simpler methods, and even providing small lists to follow, but he consistently insists he “has it under control” and disregards my suggestions.

I consistently waste twice as much time correcting his errors or redoing entire tasks. Each time I address this, his response is either that he’s “doing all he can” or that I’m excessively critical and domineering. This issue escalated when he “assisted” me by tidying our living room just before my friends arrived.

His performance seemed impeccable initially, but a friend discovered my contraceptive pills in the “junk drawer” after he impulsively “tidied” by indiscriminately tossing items around. I felt humiliated, yet he dismissed my concerns with laughter when I shared this with him.

I informed him yesterday that I no longer wanted his “assistance” and preferred to handle everything myself if he couldn’t commit to doing it right. He became annoyed, arguing that he was only trying to simplify things for me and that I was now “faulting him for helping.” He’s hardly talking to me now, and I’m experiencing mixed emotions.

I’m I wrong for telling my spouse to quit “helping” if he’s unable to perform tasks correctly?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

yeahlikewhatever −  As others have said, this is weaponized incompetence. His goal was never to ‘help’ but to frustrate you to the point that you just do it yourself and he no longer is obligated to contribute.

There are multiple approaches to this situation. However, I suggest allowing him to manage issues independently, given his preference to assist “his way.” Limit this autonomy to matters concerning him directly. Avoid tasks like laundry. If he declines to sort items or use appropriate wash settings, let him face the consequences.

Then handle your own laundry, letting him deal with his. If he uses every dish to cook dinner, then each of you should prepare your own meals and clean up after yourselves. Surely, he has lived independently before, right?

What did he do when alone – put on damaged, dirty clothes, and meticulously clean every dish after eating? I doubt it. He behaves this way now because of you. Once his actions have immediate consequences, and you’re no longer there to correct them, I wager he’ll cease being so dependent.

iwantaponytoo −  DON’T let him off so easily. Sit down and discuss every aspect of a chore- in writing if neccessary- so there can be no misunderstaning of what’s expected, or “I’m only trying to help” whining.

Weaponized ineptitude is an excellent tactic for avoiding tasks; do not be deceived by its objective. It is a ploy where someone performs poorly to force others to handle everything. You are wronging yourself if you allow him to succeed.

Consistent-Leopard71 −  NTA. However, you did exactly what he wanted. His strategy was weaponized incompetence. He intentionally did a bad job, until you stopped asking him to ~~help~~ do his part as a member of your household.

Sensiplastic −  That does not sound like a man who can find your c**toris.

Customisable_Salt −  YTA to yourself if you allow yourself to be played like this. This was exactly what he was aiming for and you shouldn’t let him away with such blatant disrespect and manipulation. 

bigpawsOH −  Alright, looks like I am not overreacting after all. I’ll talk to him today and will stop doing his part of chores, i won’t care anymore

No_Noise_5733 −  Tell him since his help just results in more work, he can pay for a cleaner.

Expert_Slip7543 −  How does this man hold a job – is he this incompetent at work? Or only at home? NTA but I suspect that you’re getting played by him.

3dgemaster −  Why was your friend going through your drawers? And unless that friend is 12, why is bc embarrassing?
I agree with others though, seems like weaponized incompetence.

Inside_Garden6464 −  I’m done with his “help” and would rather just do everything myself. I bet this is exactly what he wants to achieve. It is called weaponized incompetence. And: NTA. But don’t give in by doing all the chores.

Is she correct in demanding a greater level of thoroughness when it comes to shared household tasks? Or is her husband’s annoyance understandable? Give us your opinions in the comments!

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