AITA for telling my sister that I can’t go to her wedding without my son?

A user on Reddit told a story about her sister’s wedding, where kids weren’t allowed. Even though she’d spent months helping with the wedding plans and put a lot of her own money into it, she had to turn down being the maid-of-honor because she couldn’t find anyone to watch her 5-year-old son.

Her sister reacted poorly to the information, dispatching furious communications in which she asserted that she was acting in a self-centered manner. The complete account is available for review below.

‘ AITA for telling my sister that I can’t go to her wedding without my son?’

I’m a 24-year-old female with a five-year-old son named Sam. I became a mother quite early in life, as did Sam’s father, John, with whom I still maintain a positive connection. John is from the United States, while I am not, so we decided to marry upon learning of my pregnancy to ensure we could all reside together in the US.

My family disapproved of my pregnancy and essentially cut me off. John’s parents welcomed me with open arms, but they are elderly, so we bear the full burden of Sam’s care. This translates to no breaks, infrequent date nights, and limitations on activities that don’t include Sam.

Because I manage our home while John puts in extended hours at work, this duty is particularly mine. My mother phoned me half a year ago with the news that my sister planned to wed. My sister then asked me via video conference to serve as her maid of honor, a request I gladly agreed to.

Upon receiving the invitation, difficulties emerged. The wedding occurred in my home country, and attendees were responsible for their transportation, accommodation, and attire. John volunteered to work extra hours to enable Sam and me to attend, and after several months of increased work, I could purchase a beautiful gown and reserve a budget-friendly hotel.

I phoned my sister a month prior to the wedding to verify our attendance, at which point she told me that kids weren’t permitted at the ceremony. I mentioned that this wasn’t indicated on the invitation (it was genuinely not written anywhere on it), and she replied that she had hoped everyone would simply assume that.

I pointed out that I had no one available to care for Sam and reiterated our money constraints, leading her to propose either John or a paid caregiver. Given John’s demanding work schedule, and the fact that we lack the funds to cover a nanny’s fees for the extended duration required by the wedding, those options are unfeasible.

She likened the situation to my decision to hire a nanny while my father was in the hospital, which struck me as ridiculous, considering it was a healthcare crisis, not a party. Following a disagreement, I informed her that I would have to back out of being a bridesmaid because I was unable to be away from my son.

I want to make it clear that I never requested she make an allowance for Sam (since I realize weddings generally aren’t appropriate venues for kids, lol, I’m not an id**t, just someone who doesn’t assume things), I simply wanted her to be aware of my circumstances AFTER I informed her of my inability to attend.

She labeled me as selfish and reminded me that she had already covered the cost of my attendance at the wedding. I proposed to pay her back using the funds intended for the dress, but she simply ended the call.

With the wedding just two weeks away, she continues to contact me with insulting messages, phone calls, and emails, insisting that because I reside in the US, I should easily afford a babysitter, a notion I find absurd.

I received refunds for the dress and the lodging. I intend to return the funds to John, unless my sister requests them for wedding-related costs. However, if she declines, I’m uncertain whether I should propose it to her a second time.

See what others had to share with OP:

Bouche_Audi_Shyla −  It would have been perfectly fine for the sister to not want her very young nephew at the ceremony. However, she should have looked for a babysitter for the day, and welcomed nephew for the visit. OP couldn’t do that from another country.

OP, I wouldn’t journey that distance or expend that sum to bolster my sister. Return the funds to your spouse. Are there any upcoming household costs? Is the refrigerator functioning properly? Is the roof in good condition?

How is the vehicle running? Are there any aspirations you both share that exceed your usual budgetary constraints? Are you looking to set aside funds for unforeseen circumstances? Perhaps establish a higher education savings plan for your child? That’s a far more prudent approach compared to squandering your money on someone whose sole intention is to be unpleasant.

Downtown-Kangaroo162 −  I’m gonna be real. I don’t think the wedding is actually child free. I think based on the fact OP’s family shut her out when she got pregnant and are just know opening lines of communication that there’s something going on. Like they’re trying to trap OP in the home country away from her child and spouse. Idk.

I have a faint recollection of encountering a past entry concerning an individual whose relatives attempted to entice them back to their native land with the intention of coercing them into a marriage arranged by the family. I am not suggesting that this is the current situation, but in my estimation, there is undeniably something amiss. Absolutely NTA. Remain where you are.

nemorolls123 −  NTA. A wedding invite without clear conditions is like a recipe without instructions chaos is bound to ensue. Expecting guests, especially those traveling internationally, to automatically know that children aren’t welcome is a bit of a stretch.

It’s not your responsibility that your sister struggles with communication. After learning about the ‘no kids’ rule, you’ve been supportive and provided solutions.

It’s not selfish to place your child’s welfare and your family’s economic stability above a wedding. If returning the cost of the dress and hotel makes you feel better, then do it; however, your sister’s reaction, or absence of one, is her responsibility.

RaineMist −  NTA. If it was supposed to be a child free wedding, that should have been said in the invitation. She can’t expect everyone to know it’s child free without informing her guests.

corgihuntress −  She sounds m**ipulative and toxic and highly unsympathetic. Saying you can’t be there, offering to reimburse, those things were all good to do. That she dropped the bomb on you so late in the game was deliberate.

Refusing to be insulted and pressured into giving money you can’t afford isn’t wrong, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. You made an offer, she declined, so you’re under no obligation to provide the funds. I’d suggest blocking her temporarily or ignoring her messages. NTA

Big_Metal2470 −  NTA. I don’t know where you’re from originally but many immigrants talk about how their families in their home countries think that everyone in the US is super wealthy due to a poor understanding of purchasing power parity.

You might need to clarify that living expenses in this area are substantial, possibly even with supporting evidence, if you feel it’s worth the effort. Based on what you’ve said, she doesn’t seem very pleasant.

forgetregret1day −  How did your sister expect you to just know children weren’t welcome at the wedding if it wasn’t on the invitation and she didn’t use her big girl words and say so while you were making plans?

You’re probably not psychic, and if you were returning to your native country, you most likely thought your son would be embraced, and that your family would want him there as a member of the family.

It appears your sister harbors some envy towards your life in the States. Perhaps a dose of reality would alter her perspective. Regardless, you made a sincere effort. Her deficient communication forced your withdrawal, and she bears sole responsibility for the situation. You are not the guilty party.

LowBalance4404 −  Info: If you bought your own dress why would you offer to reimburse her for a dress you bought? I’m assuming this is in Mexico because you said you didn’t need to fly internationally. This sounds so fake.

Intrepid_Upstairs479 −  You’re NTA. Your sister’s being unreasonable. It’s not your fault that you can’t just drop your kid off somewhere. She’s expecting way too much, especially after everything you’ve been through. Don’t let her guilt trip you. Prioritize your son.

Mooshu1981 −  NTA. She should have told you the second you agreed to the bridal party. Her decision to have a child free wedding also means people with children are allowed to say no.

Child-free status should be clearly stated on invitations. I’m curious, has she ever been introduced to your nephew? Has she ever tried to get to know him? I’m also wondering if she’s concerned about him overshadowing her?

Was the Redditor correct in prioritizing her duties as a mother, or should she have made a greater effort to be at her sister’s wedding? How would you deal with a similar family disagreement? Please share your thoughts.