AITA for talking to my bio dad and not man who raised me?

A user on Reddit contemplates whether to re-establish contact with her biological father, who was largely uninvolved during her upbringing, but has recently shown genuine interest in being a part of her children’s lives.

She is torn about whether enabling her biological father to act as a grandfather figure is a betrayal of her stepfather, the man who brought her up, especially as he becomes more aloof.

Even though her stepfather isn’t around, she’s torn about the potential reaction of his relatives to her growing relationship with her biological father. Read on to find out how she is dealing with these intricate family relationships.

‘ AITA for talking to my bio dad and not man who raised me?’

My biological father was largely absent throughout my childhood, only appearing for about a fortnight each summer. Our relationship was troubled, and I stopped communicating with him around the age of 10 or 11. My mother remarried early on and had my sibling.

The man she wed is the one I knew as my father growing up. He was a good parent. Then he was unfaithful to my mother, leading to their separation. I was angry, but we maintained an acceptable relationship until about six years ago. Now, I’m in my thirties with my own children. My stepfather is very aloof and has been since he remarried.

He resides in the same small community as my children and yet makes no effort to visit them. He doesn’t call or text. I always extend invitations to him and his wife, along with the other grandparents, for all of my children’s activities. He hasn’t attended any of my children’s birthday celebrations in the past seven years.

He is absent from performances, sports matches, and school functions. On one occasion, he unexpectedly attended grandparents day, which caught me off guard. I send him photos and news about the children via text, but I receive no response, even though he is proficient with technology. My youngest child was even unfamiliar with his appearance in photographs.

He also acted aloof with my sibling. Enter my biological father. When I was in my early thirties, I allowed him the opportunity to be a grandfather to my children. He wasn’t a great father to me; however, I could see that he had evolved and desired for them to have the opportunity to get acquainted with him and his relatives.

He has always been reliable. Even though he lives far away, he’s been more present in my children’s lives than my own father. He stays connected with them through phone calls, knows what they like to do, tells them jokes, and even video chats with them to read aloud.

I honestly don’t mind conversing with him. It has been quite pleasant. This is the part where I believe I’m the problem. I have this feeling that I’m being disloyal to my step-father by permitting my biological father to be involved in my life, as well as the lives of my children. It feels like a jerk move to almost completely abandon my SD.

I’m also concerned that his parents will have a lower opinion of me once they learn that I’m in contact with my baby’s father again. It feels like a betrayal to the person who took on the difficult aspects of raising a child when they weren’t obligated to do so. Am I wrong for this?

Should I cut ties with my bio dad? Any other suggestions? TLDR: am I the a**hole for having a relationship with my bio dad when my step dad is the one who raised me?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Aromatic-Arugula-896 −  Why do you feel guilty kicking your SD to the curb? Sounds like he already kicked you there first…. NTA

East_Parking8340 −  Well, you didn’t kick SD to the curb he bolted for it. It *could* be that he feels guilty about his behaviour and doesn’t want to face you and his actions against your mother,

but it probably means he’s doing what lots of guys (and some women) do: ditching his old life for the new one (with a very small amount of guilt). NTA

PumpkinPowerful3292 −  NTA – This part: ‘t just seems like a slap in the face to the one that did the hard parts of parenting when he didn’t have to be.’ No he didn’t do the hard part, at least not after you grew up and had your own kids. Where has he been since?

Nowhere, exactly. However, your father has already accomplished the difficult task of altering his behavior towards you, which was likely a significant challenge. Therefore, it seems he has risen to the occasion with you and your children, offering them a fulfilling upbringing.

They’re fortunate to have your biological father in their lives; children benefit from having many positive adult influences. Your biological father has turned things around, whereas your stepfather has now left you. This is what you should communicate to him or anyone else. Therefore, you haven’t betrayed anyone; in fact, the opposite is true.

LouisV25 −  NTA. You can’t betray someone that doesn’t want to be involved. At the end of the day, you’ve tried to include him, he’s not interested. For yourself, take the years he was a good dad and hold those memories dear.

He did what he was supposed to do for you while he was married to your Mom. For you kids, go where the love is. If Dad is ready to be a granddad, let him. The kids need love and not r**ection.

For others, if they voice disapproval, simply state that Step has elected to remove himself from your and your child’s lives following his remarriage, despite your best efforts. It is now appropriate for your children to form a relationship with their grandfather, and your father is receptive to this.

RoyallyOakie −  NTA…You’re a mature and forgiving person. You have given everyone a chance, and your biological father is the one who has stepped up. Don’t doubt yourself and feel no guilt.

Intelligent_Read_697 −  what changed six years ago for him to stop talking/interacting with you?

Isaaaafire −  You’re not an a**hole for wanting your kids to have a loving and involved grandparent in their lives. Relationships aren’t about who did what in the past but about who’s present now.

He has had numerous opportunities to participate in your life, and he declined. It’s fortunate that your biological father is engaging and building experiences with your children. There is no need to feel bad about appreciating that.

Accomplished_Mud1658 −  Stepdad kick himself out… What are you supposed to do? He’s just not interested. You can work any feeling of guilt in therapy but the reality is what it is.

hubertburnette −  NTA It’s pretty common for s**tty parents to be surprisingly good grandparents. It seems weird it would go the other way–I’m so sorry for you.

Odd-End-1405 −  NTA. You are NOT betraying your stepdad. It is apparent that, although he was a very good stepdad and treated you well, you WERE his step-child and thus are really no longer part of his family.

Don’t keep exposing yourself and your children to potential harm. Given his choice to be uninvolved in their lives, he doesn’t qualify as their grandfather; he’s simply the father of their uncle. You can still strive for an amicable connection if you wish.

If he makes an effort to connect and engage with you and the kids, that’s wonderful. Having additional grandparents can only benefit a child. However, shield them from the pain and disillusionment caused by his potential indifference. It is important for you to modulate what they expect from him.

Regarding your biological father: it’s clear you’ve come to understand that individuals and their connections evolve. If you and he are growing closer, potentially introducing another caring figure into your children’s lives, welcome that development.

You’re not being unfaithful; you’re simply making your relationships stronger and more extensive. These relationships don’t have to be exclusive, and it seems like the focus has just shifted to who will be closer to you now.

Value those who demonstrate their concern and actively participate in your and your children’s lives. Adjust your anticipations for those who seem less engaged or concerned, and simply re-evaluate their importance. Best wishes.

Is it right for the original poster to allow her biological father to have a relationship with her children, considering her dedication to the stepfather who raised her? Should she feel bad, or is it time for her to think about what’s best for her kids’ connections with family? Leave your opinions in the comments!