AITA for telling my husband and his ex-wife that they need to hire a tutor as I won’t help educate my stepson?

A Reddit user voiced their annoyance when her husband and his former spouse requested that she supervise their 10-year-old stepson’s home education during his visits. Despite her affection for her stepson and commitment to his learning, she believes it’s unfair to expect her to act as his educator while holding a demanding full-time job as a data analyst.

The discussion became intense as the husband and former wife expressed doubts about the user’s dedication to the child’s schooling. The complete account of this family’s relationships can be found in the story provided.

‘ AITA for telling my husband and his ex-wife that they need to hire a tutor as I won’t help educate my stepson?’

I (38F) have been married to my husband (39M) for four years, but we’ve been a couple for seven years total. He has a son, age ten, from a prior marriage, whom I care for deeply. My husband and his ex-wife share custody equally, each having him for alternating weeks.

They’ve been discussing my stepson’s schooling for some time now because he struggles with conventional education, and they’re considering homeschooling him. Provided it’s executed effectively, I see no problem with it, although I do worry about his socialization.

I expressed those thoughts but beyond that I didn’t offer much input, he’s their son and his education is up to them. I had an issue however when they seemed to think that I could oversee his education when he’s staying with his father and I.

They’ve even remarked that my constant presence at home makes me an ideal candidate, forgetting that my remote Data Analyst position means I’m working, not available to tutor. Aiding with homework after hours is acceptable, but assuming the role of a teacher? That falls outside my responsibilities.

I made my position clear, explaining that if they wished to proceed, his mother would need to be present during my working hours, or they would need to engage a tutor. I emphasized that I could not effectively juggle teaching him with my job responsibilities and even offered to contribute financially to the tutor’s fees.

They think I’m acting unfairly, and his former spouse even wondered if I consider their son part of my family, given my apparent lack of concern for his education and well-being.

This resulted in heated arguments from everyone involved. My husband even sided with her, expressing his disappointment in my behavior. He argued that his son isn’t a young child requiring constant supervision and that the purpose of remote work is to allow me to manage household responsibilities. I countered by suggesting that he explore the possibility of working remotely himself if he felt so strongly about it.

I’m really upset about this situation. I care deeply for my stepson and desire a bright future for him, including an education where he can excel. However, I don’t understand why his education is solely my responsibility when I work a full-time job, even if it’s from home. My husband is currently very angry with me, and the fact that they both agree on this is making me wonder if I’m being unreasonable and acting like a jerk.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

JNF919 −  INFO: What is your husband’s role in this homeschooling experience supposed to be under their plan?

ElDia13 −  NTA. You are working full time. Tell your husband that if he thinks it’s so important to homeschool him, then he needs to take time off.

If he declines due to work commitments, inform him that prioritizing work over his son’s education warrants a reassessment of his values, mirroring the evaluation he’s requesting from you.

Working remotely doesn’t negate the need to actually work. Don’t risk your job because of their insufficient parenting. I wish you well.

PurpleVermont −  NTA, and you are looking out for what is best for your stepson. He deserves a teacher who isn’t busy doing another job at the same time. Homeschooling is a significant time investment, if done right.

Edit: If conventional education isn’t working out for him, it’s improbable that he’ll do well in an environment requiring self-direction, particularly when the supervisor is preoccupied with their own separate, demanding job.

eefr −  NTA. Teaching is a full-time job. You already have a full-time job that takes up your daytime hours. Working from home doesn’t mean you have time to take on a new full-time job. If your husband wants his son homeschooled so badly, but doesn’t want to hire a tutor, he can quit his own job and teach.

He shouldn’t assume you’re capable of multitasking with two roles. Both he and his spouse are being entirely unfair and undervaluing your efforts. The hours you dedicate to your job should be considered dedicated work time. This is an extreme level of ridiculousness.

Runns_withScissors −  NTA. You are being honest about what you are able to do. In this case, loving your stepson is saying “no” to what you cannot realistically take on. I taught 10 year olds for over a decade and homeschooled 4 of my own children.

It takes considerable dedication to effectively homeschool an elementary-age student, more than can be handled while simultaneously working a full-time job remotely. Given that no one has the time or resources to properly instruct him, why are the parents considering “homeschooling” this boy? Edit: “ability” was added to the final sentence.

Phyesalis −  INFO: Have either of them attempted to educate their child while working a full-time job? Have they ever homeschooled anyone? Have they considered other options that don’t involve you adding “unpaid teacher” to resume?

Are there no unschooling/co-education day programs in the area? Also, did you ask the ex-wife if she sees you as family, or just free childcare and education? Because that was a low blow on her part. That’s some n**ty manipulation.. Definitely NTA.

tictactoss −  NTA. Remote work is still 100% just that: WORK. Those who work remotely *still have to complete the hours and work.* But somehow, people feel that remote workers can multi-task and also accomplish all the household chores, are eating bon-bons while watching the Price is Right, and I guess homeschool a child too.

You’re mistaken. Even though you call it your home office, you’re still putting in the same hours in the same confined space. It’s impossible for the original poster to simultaneously work as a full-time teacher when her stepchild is present. The child’s biological parents ought to realize that this arrangement would not benefit the child.

Curious_Puffin −  NTA. I suspect your ‘availability’ was key to the homeschooling idea, and without your cooperation they have to go back to the drawing board But no one gets to volunteer other people’s time for their plans.

You didn’t get a say in the decision to home school, so they don’t get to foist their decision on you and then pretend that he is your son and you should step up. They can’t have it both ways. BTW, your husband isn’t really on his ex wife’s side.

He is in agreement with avoiding personal involvement in the task, and their perspectives currently match. Additionally, if your stepson postpones enrollment for a year, he will be eligible to attend a reputable online middle school, where I previously worked as an instructor for five years.

LoubyAnnoyed −  Ex was a teacher? Fantastic. She can do it when he’s with her. When he’s in your care, he can go to her house during the day, so she can teach him. You don’t get to pull a kid out of school without applying some resources.

Monday0987 −  NTA. Why can’t ex-wife tutor him full time given she doesn’t work?

Was the Reddit user justified in seeking tutoring help considering her job obligations, or should she take on more responsibility for her stepson’s learning? If you were in a comparable situation within a stepfamily, what would your course of action be? Let us know your opinion!