AITA for not attending my sister’s wedding after she chose the date of my late fiancée’s birthday, knowing how painful it is for me?

A person on Reddit recounted a tough decision: he opted out of his sister’s wedding because she planned it for the same day his deceased fiancée was born, a date of immense personal importance. He tried to convey the hurt this would cause, but his sister brushed aside his feelings, creating tension within the family. The complete narrative provides further details on this upsetting scenario.

‘ AITA for not attending my sister’s wedding after she chose the date of my late fiancée’s birthday, knowing how painful it is for me?’

Two years have passed since I tragically lost my fiancée, Emily, in an accident. Now, her birthday is a day when I quietly reflect and remember her. My family understands the pain I go through on that day, particularly my sister, Lucy. While Lucy and I have always been close, we’ve also had disagreements.

She recently revealed her wedding day, and much to my dismay, it fell on Emily’s birthday. When I questioned her about it, she insisted that it was the sole date they could book, but I detected a hint of dishonesty in her voice.

I attempted to converse with her, articulating the extent of the distress it would inflict upon me, yet she disregarded my sentiments, advising me to proceed forward and asserting that her nuptials superseded my ‘persistent sorrow.’ Her declaration caused considerable emotional anguish, precipitating the deterioration of our bond. Our progenitors concurred with Lucy, contending that I was exhibiting egotism and that familial obligations should take precedence.

I was overwhelmed by feelings of confinement, resentment, and treachery. Following numerous nights of restlessness, I resolved to forgo the wedding. I chose to spend the day at Emily’s burial place, experiencing a blend of liberation and remorse. The repercussions have been substantial. My family is enraged, labeling me as egoistic and childish. My circle of friends is split, and I am left to ponder the correctness of my choice.

I care deeply for my sister; however, I believe she overstepped by dismissing my emotions and our connection. I’m bewildered, as I feel responsible for creating a rift within my family. Was I wrong to prioritize honoring my deceased fiancée over attending my sister’s wedding, or was my response excessive?

Heres the input from the Reddit crowd:

Graphite57 −  Funny isn’t it.. your parents suggest that you were being s**fish and family should come first. You however, were honouring the one who would have been your first family.. NTA.. Sorry for your loss.

theexile14 −  It’s worth noting here that OP lost her only two years ago, given when weddings are scheduled this was like within 18 months of her d**th…that’s pretty fresh. NTA

JewelsLeigh141 −  I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 11 yrs ago to cancer. His birthday and our anniversary are hard days, worse than the anniversary of his d**th, because they were special, happy days. For family to not get that makes me sad.. You’re NTA.

gdex86 −  NTA. First for the d**th of a long term romantic partner two years is a flash in the pan. The idea that you have lingering grief now, especially on the anniversary of the d**th, is bull. It’s still going to hurt something awful and on that day it’s going to be especially sensitive. You aren’t being s**fish you are taking care of yourself.

Stripedhoneybee90 −  NTA. Your feelings are valid. Grief never leaves. Also I hate that line “Family comes first”. If family came first why didn’t your sister acknowledge your feelings. The family line works two ways.

ImpyreanSky −  NTA at all, OP! Your feelings are valid and you have a right to your grief! There is no timeline or deadline for grief. It’s different for everyone. I wouldn’t be surprised, judging by what she said, if she chose the date on purpose to try and “help” you move on.

It seems overly calculated, and her rejection of your sadness suggests a deliberate attempt to orchestrate the day for your supposed benefit, aiming to alleviate your pain. If that truly was the sole available date, you likely would have been informed prior to the formal announcement.

If she were aware, she should have spoken to you privately and gently, instead of making you feel bad for being upset about the double-booking and her “mistake.” Based on what you’re saying, it really seems like she did it on purpose. I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find happiness and healing, no matter how long it takes.

karmadoesntwait −  NTA, your sister had the right right to pick any day she wanted for her wedding just as you had the right not to attend because she picked a day that is hard for you. I almost wonder if she thought thought she was going to be helping by giving you a new good memory for that day instead.

If that was what she wanted, it went horribly wrong. You’ll forever link her wedding to your future wife’s birthday. I’m certain your sister will eventually lament this decision as well, since her anniversary will constantly remind her that you were absent from her wedding.

Super_Temperature_35 −  NTA Your feelings are valid, and it’s understandable that Emily’s birthday would be a painful day for you. While planning a wedding can be complex, it’s disappointing that your sister didn’t seem to consider your feelings. You made a tough decision, and it’s clear you didn’t do so lightly. It might be worth talking to your family to try to mend the relationship, but ultimately, you have to do what feels right for you.

CrabbiestAsp −  NTA. They said family should come first, but you’re part of the family, and they weren’t putting you first. Grief is a hard and complex thing. It’s not something you can just switch off and move on from. I’m sorry your family haven’t been kind to you.

lincoln_muadib −  NTA. If “Blood Family Comes First”, then your sister should respect that her brother’s feelings come before her desire for a particular wedding day. If “Married Family Comes First” then your sister should respect that her brother’s feelings for his passed away wife come before her desire for a particular wedding day.. Either way, you’re NTA.

Was the user right to miss the wedding as a tribute to his late fiancée, or should he have put his emotions aside for his family? What would you do in such a tough situation? Leave your opinions in the comments!