AITA for telling my mom I don’t want to spend time with her if my stepbrother has to be included?

A woman on Reddit is having issues with her interactions with her mom and stepbrother, Joey. After she moved back in with her family after university, she was hoping to have some “girls’ days” with her mom. However, her stepbrother has been tagging along on their outings because his dad, Steve, wants him to be there.

She thinks Joey is a fine child, but the activities they share aren’t what she had in mind when spending time with her mother. In a fit of anger, she told her mother that she would rather not spend any time with her if Joey was going to be there, which caused her mother to plead with her to change her mind. She is now unsure if her feelings and reaction were reasonable. Read the original story below to learn more about this family issue.

‘ AITA for telling my mom I don’t want to spend time with her if my stepbrother has to be included?’

As a 22-year-old female, my mother had me when she was 15, which is irrelevant to the reason I’m posting. However, once she started dating in my middle school years, it came as no shock that the men she was seeing with kids had children considerably younger than myself, which we would often discuss before she and Steve became serious.

When I was 16, my mom began seeing Steve, and they married just as I was heading off to university. Steve has a son named Joey, who is currently 12. I didn’t share a home with them for an extended period, and due to the significant age gap, Joey and I get along fine, but we aren’t particularly close. He seems like a good kid, but I don’t know him very well.

He’s very attached to my mom though which I totally get, my mom is awesome. After I graduated this spring, I moved back closer to home (about 30 minutes from my mom). I was really excited to be nearby, we’ve always been really close and I missed her a lot when I was at school.

I wanted to have a dedicated girls day with my mom at least once or maybe twice a month now that I’m home and we got to do that for a couple months but the last two times, my mom has shown up with Joey. Again, I like the kid but we were doing stuff like getting our nails done, having lunch at new places, seeing plays…. Joey changes that entirely.

Last time we went to the zoo because he wanted to visit the reptile house and then got cheeseburgers. It was fine but that’s not the day I planned with my mom. We got into an argument on the phone that night and it came out that Steve has demanded that Joey be included on our days together because he felt that my time alone with my mother was her showing me favoritism.

I didn’t even know what to say, I’ve never known my mom to be so spineless especially when it came to me. It really hurt me to say it but I told her I wasn’t interested in that and if that was my only choice, I guess I would just have to see her on holidays and family gatherings.

She keeps phoning me, pleading with me to reconsider, but she won’t confront her husband regarding the matter. Consequently, I’ve simply continued to apologize and reiterate that I’m not keen on a monthly children’s day. Nonetheless, I long for my mother’s presence, and I’m experiencing a significant amount of guilt. I’m uncertain if my response was insensitive.

See what others had to share with OP:

Music_withRocks_In −  NTA. Joey gets time alone with your mom almost every day. If I had to guess I would say husband doesn’t want to deal with his kid alone for a day – or possibly is trying to distance his step daughter. I would hold firm but keep texting/talking to mom.

If she doesn’t want to push back it is possible she has learned to be afraid of defying her husband. And it doesn’t have to be physical abuse, he has probably trained her to not push back by throwing tantrums or being massively passive agree or just making them both so miserable whenever she has a spine she has subconsciously taught herself not to create waves.

Express that you’re truly saddened by the lack of one-on-one time and worried because this behavior is unusual for her. Inquire about her perspective on the absence of private moments together. Avoid mentioning any warning signs directly; instead, ask how she perceives them and encourage her to recognize them independently.

Hefty-Arm-4594 −  NTA your request is completely reasonable and normal. Hold firm she needs to be pushed to stand up to him. Personally I see two things happening here I suspect he doesn’t want to babysit the son while you are out for a girl’s day (most likely) or this is his way of keeping tabs on her. You guys could still do the kids days but that shouldn’t be the only thing you get to do with your mother. Your mom’s husband is an AH.

Ok-Classic8323 −  NTA. does joey not go to school? Have your day with your Mum while he is in school. This is not about favouritism, Joey is not your sibling and your mum is not his mother. This is about a Mother & Daughter having a day once a month for themselves.. Her Husband is a s**fish AH

l3ex_G −  Nta your mother needs to stand up for you. This is messy and something smells bad. Do you at all suspect abuse because maybe you should?

oaksandpines1776 −  NtA. Just bring him to the spa and get his fingernails done also.

KronkLaSworda −  NTA, no. You want some one-on-one time with your mom and step dad is sabotaging it for whatever reason.

Robinnoodle −  NTA. Your step dad is the biggest ah of all. Why can’t your mom have a day that’s just with Joey to compensate? Mom’s behavior disappoints me too. Have you known your step dad to be unreasonable like this in the past? Sorry you are going through this

Aggravating-Pain9249 −  Steve is the AH here. Joey is not your sibling, or biologically your mom’s child. It is good that Joey thinks of her as his mom, You are your mother’s adult child and deserve to be able to spend some alone time with her. Maybe not as often as once a month.. NTA

SpicyTurtle38 −  NTA- this isn’t showing YOU favoritism, it’s showing her stepson favoritism! He’s with her every day, I’m assuming, whereas this is the only time you get with your mom. The activities are being chosen for him, and he gets alone time with your mom literally any time you’re not around, which is… all the time….

Your stepdad sounds seriously controlling and like he’s afraid of your mom spending time with you at all. Honestly it’s weird and kind of worrisome. Forcing you to shape your mom time around a 12 year old is totally ridiculous. Maybe try a new tactic- schedule pedicures and tell your mom “this is where I’ll be, you’re welcome to join me, but there’s only space for one extra person.” Or go to dinner- “I’m going out to X restaurant on this day.

You could say, “I have an extra spot, feel free to come along.” Or, “I got tickets to this play for myself and a guest. I’m hoping you’ll join me, but if you’re unable, I’ll ask someone else.” Try simply informing her of your plans and letting her decide if she wants to participate, instead of coordinating schedules.

SmashedBrotato −  NTA. Your stepdad is a demanding weirdo, and your mother needs to put her foot down if she values a relationship with you.

Was the user incorrect to voice her wish for exclusive time with her mother, or is her desire for her mother’s attention, excluding her stepbrother, reasonable? How would you navigate a scenario where family relationships create difficulties in your own personal connections? Share your opinions in the comments!