AITA for implementing a “you cook you clean rule” and leaving her to clean up her dishes after she made pasta ?

To rectify the uneven distribution of kitchen chores, a man has implemented a “whoever cooks, cleans” agreement with his spouse. He observes that while his cooking generates little cleanup, his wife’s complex recipes require numerous utensils, resulting in substantial cleaning work for him.

Following an earlier conversation on the subject, he resolves to stop tidying up after her culinary activities. If she prepares pasta from scratch and leaves the mess unattended, he will decline her subsequent appeals to clean it, which then sparks a contentious dispute when she finds herself facing a disordered kitchen in the morning. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for implementing a “you cook you clean rule” and leaving her to clean up her dishes after she made pasta ?’

My spouse and I alternate in the kitchen, each preparing meals on two days of the week. On the remaining days, we either eat leftovers or order food. Previously, the one who didn’t cook was responsible for washing the dishes. However, I clean while I’m cooking, so on my designated nights, there are minimal dishes left for her to handle.

When she’s preparing food, it seems like she dirties practically every dish and pan we own. The kitchen becomes a complete mess, and I end up spending ages tidying up afterward. I’ve talked to her about this before, suggesting she clean up while cooking to minimize the chaos.

She declined, asserting it’s a natural consequence of her enjoyment of preparing complex dishes. Indeed, her culinary creations are more intricate than mine, and she dedicates considerable time to cooking. I, on the other hand, lean towards simpler options like stir-fries. I informed her last Thursday that I would no longer be responsible for cleaning up after her cooking sessions.

She made an enormous mess, and I reached my limit. From now on, I’ll tidy up after my meals, and she can tidy up after hers. I cooked beef tips with noodles on Saturday (which is my designated cooking day) and cleaned everything afterward. Sunday, when it was her turn to cook, she prepared handmade pasta with red pepper sauce.

We ate and she didn’t clean up her mess, and later the night she asked me to clean it up I told her no and reminded her what I told her and pointed out I cleaned my stuff up.
This bring me to this morning, I didn’t do the dishes and when she woke up, there wasn’t much room for her to make her coffee and breakfast. She pissed I didn’t clean it up.

We had a massive fight right before my workday began. She now believes I’m a complete jerk, and I’m seeking an unbiased perspective on the matter.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Kaynico −  NTA. It isnt that her meals are more elaborate, it’s that she isn’t cleaning anything as she goes so it all piles up.  The division of labor isn’t anywhere near even.
If she doesn’t want to clean as much, she can use less dishes or clown as she goes.  She’s picking what meals she wants to cook, so she’s picking how much mess to make.

gordonf23 −  I go back and forth on this, but I’m going to go with NTA. You DID have conversations about this, so this didn’t come out of the blue. And she wasn’t willing to clean as she goes the way you do, and instead she said, “This is just what happens when I cook.”

It’s perfectly acceptable to alter your stance on a previously accepted arrangement if you later recognize its inherent unfairness towards you. It’s unjust that you’re consistently responsible for cleaning up after cooking, while she isn’t, considering you tidy as you go and she leaves a mess.

You’re already tidying up twice a week (on the nights you’re responsible for the cooking), so it’s perfectly fair for her to do the same twice a week, when it’s her turn to cook.

Ok_Homework_7621 −  NTA. I prefer the “you cook, you clean” to “one cooks, the other cleans” precisely because you make a mess for yourself only, so if somebody cleans as they cook, they are done faster. And everybody gets days when they have nothing to do in the kitchen, which is always nice.

MaggieLuisa −  NTA. We have the same issue the other way around at my place; my husband could use six saucepans and a wok to make buttered toast, and he leaves stuff everywhere. We take turns doing the dishes, regardless of who cooked.

OriginalCinna −  My partner and I have a very similar problem; he tends to clean as he goes, where as I make a mess but don’t clean up til afterwards. We’re lucky though; we have a dishwasher. Problem is he’s terrible at stacking it, so I have him empty instead

It’s a two-way street. There are times when I’ll be in charge of cooking, washing dishes, and tidying up the whole kitchen, while other times he takes over. Usually, we team up. I believe this might be the optimal solution: preparing food and cleaning together allows everyone to enjoy the advantages. You can handle the preparation and initial tidying, while she can focus on the cooking and final cleaning. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement!

MissAuroraRed −  NTA You tried to talk to her and she’s not been receptive. I can understand why you’re trying to take the situation into your own hands. However, you can’t just let the kitchen devolve into chaos in a test of willpower between you two. It’s not healthy for your marriage and it’ll ruin your poor blender.

You two need to have a real discussion where you collaborate to come to a resolution. The initial setup is no longer suitable for either of you, and the current one isn’t effective either. Keep in mind that it’s “the two of you against the issue,” not “you against her.”

It won’t be successful if you independently choose a different approach and then make her accept it. A revised plan must be decided upon *jointly.*

mackeyca87 −  NTA- I HATE when people cook and leave a big mess, Clean while you go. While the sauce is simmering wash some of your dishes, wipe down the counters put stuff away. My husband and I both clean as we go.

StoicComeLately −  **ESH** – That’s a gentle, ESH. You guys just need to figure out what works. But in the meantime, neither of you has a very collaborative approach. My partner and I found a good groove. We take turns cooking as you do, but I’ll help him while he cooks and vice versa.

Then we work together for cleanup. Our general rule is whoever didn’t cook will do most of the cleaning up, but the other will help. So it’s like this:
Day 1: I cook, he helps. He cleans up, I help.
Day 2: He cooks, I help. I clean up, he helps.

It ensures a consistently collaborative and encouraging atmosphere, avoiding the sentiment of “That falls solely under your responsibilities.”

wasndas2 −  The frustration with her leaving a huge mess is understandable, but you can’t unilaterally decide to change rules that you seemingly have been living with for quite some time and expect no pushback. ESH tbh.

Mikeburlywurly1 −  NTA. Man I feel like I could’ve written this myself. My girlfriend was the exact same way when we started dating. There wouldn’t be an empty or clean surface left in the kitchen after she made a meal.

Every cooking pot, pan, and piece of silverware was utterly repulsive, coated in hardened remnants from prior use, due to her failure to rinse anything after using it. There were evenings when I couldn’t even fit everything into the dishwasher. I tend to rinse items immediately after use and usually load them directly into the dishwasher.

Post-meal tidying up for me involves dealing with the dishes and cutlery from the meal, perhaps one or two extra items in the cooking area, and swiftly cleaning the countertops. I didn’t alter the regulations in the straightforward way you’re doing it yourself.

I repeatedly requested that she reduce the amount of dishes she used and that she rinse/load items straight into the dishwasher once she had finished using them, but it had minimal impact. So I began tidying up my own things after dinner as well, ensuring she didn’t have the chance to make a mess.

She soon felt bad noticing that I was the only one tidying up after meals, so she began to assist with clearing her own dishes. Once she started doing that, she put more effort into keeping the kitchen tidy while cooking. However, this approach might not be effective for you, considering you mentioned she doesn’t appear to recall you cleaning up after yourself.

Elaborate meal preparation doesn’t justify such conduct, mainly for two reasons. Firstly, I began preparing more complex dishes after we started our relationship because it was her preference. However, I still manage to keep my kitchen clean; such messiness is completely avoidable. Regardless of the complexity of your cooking, you can maintain control and prevent creating a significant mess – it’s a matter of competence.

Nutritious eating should be a mutual duty in a relationship, whereas complex meal preparation is more of a personal pastime. It’s great if you’re passionate about cooking and enjoy all that it entails, but tidying up afterwards is part of the deal.

My father is passionate about woodworking and derives pleasure from crafting various interesting and practical items for my mother and myself. Moreover, he refrains from tasking us with tidying up his workspace once he has completed his projects.

Is the husband within his rights to enforce this regulation, or should he offer assistance regardless? Let everyone know what you think in the comments section!