AITA for refusing to tell my husband the gender of our baby after he skipped going to the dr appointment with me?

A person on Reddit recounted their annoyance when their spouse repeatedly chose social events with buddies over important pregnancy-related appointments, notably the gender reveal. When he inquired about the baby’s sex after missing the reveal, the original poster (OP) declined to share the information, which caused conflict within the family. Was the OP justified in their reaction, or did they go too far? The complete account is provided below.

‘ AITA for refusing to tell my husband the gender of our baby after he skipped going to the dr appointment with me?’

We’re expecting our first child and I’m thrilled. The problem is my husband rarely comes to my doctor’s visits, and his reasons are flimsy. He’d rather skip the appointment for soccer, drinks, or a board game with his friends. He always says, “I’m not the one pregnant, so why should I have to go to the doctor with you?”

Last week was when I reached my limit. He was meant to accompany me to the appointment where we’d find out the baby’s gender, but he opted out at the last second because his friend asked him to join for fish and chips. I was very angry but didn’t create a scene. Instead, Mom went with me.

He sent a message wanting me to disclose the gender of the baby, but I wouldn’t. He repeatedly tried to reach me by phone, but I declined each call. When he arrived home, he was enraged and insisted that I reveal the results. I stood my ground, telling him plainly that because he chose not to be present at the appointment, he would have to wait until the baby was born to find out. I also stated that I was prepared to stand firm on this decision.

He went off calling me spiteful and immature for doing this and punishing him. He said he’s the father and has the right to know. He then called me dramatic since I wasn’t alone and mom was with me. I said he gets no results period. He’s been fuming about it and told his family and they’re now pressuring me to stop playing mind games with him and tell him but I declined.. AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Annii84 −  NTA. Already a deadbeat dad before the baby is even born.

dirtypig796 −  If he’s telling you “I’m not carrying the baby why do I have to go to the doctor with you” that’s going to turn into “I didn’t push out that baby, why should I look after it!!” Reeeealll quick.. Edit- NTA.

Greyeyedqueen7 −  NTA. My ex pulled this with our second child, and I caved and told him. I shouldn’t have. You need to seriously reconsider this relationship. He’s showing you that he and his friends are more important than you and the baby. He sees going to appointments with you as punishment, not as a chance to make sure you and the baby are healthy. Don’t be like me and stay until he leaves you for another woman.

Wooden_Albatross_832 −  NTA… absentee father already. Kid is never going to be a priority for daddy

Big-Skrrrt −  He’s litterally prioritising fish n chips over his unborn baby. Is this really who you want to raise a child with?

Educational-Good-652 −  NTA Unless you booked a separate scan it’s not actually a gender reveal appointment, it’s an anomaly appointment, where they look for things that might potentially be wrong with your baby. Gender is bottom of their list of priorities at that appointment. Which makes him 100% the AH.

NannyOggsKnickers −  NTA. And also I really do wish that people (partners, family of both parties, extended friend groups etc) realised one very important thing about these scans: Finding out the gender (if you want to know) is a happy bonus. It is NOT the point of the actual scan.

The purpose of the scan is to ascertain the baby’s health and proper development. It aims to verify the presence of a heartbeat, the correct formation of limbs and organs, the complete development of the skull over the brain, the absence of any severe, life-threatening medical issues, and the healthy state of the placenta, ensuring your well-being as well.

Each day, individuals undergo these screenings and receive devastating diagnoses. Numerous people disregard this reality, centering their attention instead on the baby’s sex.

Instead of being preoccupied with the baby’s genitalia, your partner should feel fortunate that you didn’t call him from a waiting room, distraught and saying “Something is seriously wrong.” If that had happened, I doubt he would have enjoyed his fish and chips as much afterward.

sleepingfox307 −  “I’m not the one carrying that baby why should I be there?” and then suddenly “I’m the father I have the right to know!” Oh NOW you want to be a daddy huh? I would laugh if this didn’t infuriate me as a father/husband who was present for every single appointment my wife went to for all three of our children.

Tell him, “Since you’re not the one giving birth, there’s no reason for you to be there” if he insists on being present. What a jerk. Not the A**hole. Edit: I appreciate the award, thank you!

ashleighbuck −  NTA. And if he’s this selfish with his time now, I can only imagine how he’ll be after baby is born.

likeahike −  NTA and why are you with this guy exactly? Sounds like a real winner. You do realise you’re going to be a single parent, right? He’s not bonding with the child and I doubt he will pull his weight after the birth. So if you can’t count on him now, then when? You might as well be single.

Was the original poster right to keep her pregnancy a secret considering her husband’s consistent lack of presence, or should she have told him regardless? If you were in a comparable situation where your partner valued other things more than important moments during the pregnancy, what would you do? Let us know your opinion in the comments!