AITAH for telling my husband that I would’ve never agreed to have his child if I knew he would go back on our agreement?

A woman on Reddit recounted her disappointment with her spouse, who had committed to caring for their new baby at home but is now suggesting she explore daycare options or telecommuting. She is a neurologist who takes her work seriously, and she feels crushed by his altered stance, particularly since they made the decision to have a child based on his promise to be the primary caregiver. Her response created conflict, and she is now questioning whether she was excessive in her reaction. The complete account is provided below.

‘ AITAH for telling my husband that I would’ve never agreed to have his child if I knew he would go back on our agreement?’

I (36F) am a neurologist and I absolutely love my patients and my job. I believe there is no greater honor in life than being able to help others.
The road to my medical degree was not easy, and it was paved with many rejections. I was a troubled teen in high school and I didn’t get accepted into any colleges my senior year.

Having to begin with foundational courses at the nearby community college required me to put in the effort to advance. I was ecstatic when I was finally accepted into medical school at age 26. I became acquainted with my spouse (37M) during my third year of medical school, and we have been together as husband and wife for the past four years. My spouse is employed in the field of marketing, and my income is three times greater than his.

From the outset of our relationship, I made it very clear that I wasn’t certain about carrying my own children. My lifelong aspiration was to adopt out of the foster system, and my husband appeared to be on board with this. But following the birth of his friend’s son last year, he started putting a lot of pressure on me to have kids.

I was initially very resistant to this concept, as I was in the early stages of my professional life and preferred to postpone the discussion of having children for a few more years. However, in August of the previous year, I discovered I was unexpectedly with child as a result of a condom malfunction during sexual activity.

I had first thought about terminating the pregnancy, but after numerous deep discussions with my spouse, we opted to proceed with the pregnancy. He would leave his employment and care for our daughter at home until she reached preschool age. A number of considerations led us to choose this arrangement:

The financial aspect weighed heavily in favor of my higher earnings, making it the obvious choice.

-As a newly practicing doctor, I’m only a few years into my career. Following four years of medical school and a four-year residency, I’m beginning independent practice, while my husband’s career spans 15 years.

I made it *abundantly* clear that becoming a housewife was the *last* thing I wanted. While I admire stay-at-home mothers, my career is my passion, and I know I wouldn’t cope well being at home all day. It’s simply not the life for me.

I am not at ease entrusting my daughter to daycare until she develops sufficient verbal skills. Having experienced abuse as a child, I find it difficult to trust others with her care, especially when she lacks the ability to communicate any potential mistreatment or neglect.

Today marks 9 weeks since our daughter was born, and I’m getting ready to go back to my practice in a few weeks. This weekend, I went to an out-of-state medical conference, leaving my husband to care for our daughter by himself. The conference was great, but my husband has been acting strangely since I got back.

While our daughter was asleep today, I urged him to share what was bothering him. He completely fell apart, confessing that he doesn’t believe he’s capable of handling the situation. He described feeling incredibly confined, isolated, and burdened throughout the entire weekend.

He’s currently pressuring me to lengthen my maternity leave and considering the possibility of reclaiming his former position. This has caused me considerable anxiety, leading me to question, “What arrangements will we make for our daughter’s care?” In response, he proposed that I abandon my current professional work and instead work remotely from our home. I firmly rejected this proposition, and he then suggested the alternative of enrolling our daughter in daycare.

I completely blew up and yelled, “If I had known you wouldn’t keep your word and help raise our daughter, I would have never had her.” I realize that was an extreme reaction, and my daughter means the world to me. However, I am very angry with my husband and don’t know what to do next.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

No_Crab_3814 −  Can you get a nanny?

Chocolatecandybar_ −  NTA but, OP, I would consider the red flags here. He wanted a child and you unexpectedly got pregnant. Now he wants to go back to work and the deal unexpectedly changed. Plus, why he felt alone and o**rwhelmed when he stayed home but seems no concerned for you to stay home and surely feel the same? 

themajorfall −  NTA.  You didn’t overreact, he needs a wake up call.  You only gave him something so enormous and major (his own biological child), because he promised not to destroy your career and trap you as a mother.  Now he’s discovering that raising a child is non stop hard work, something you were aware of before you ever got pregnant.

He essentially faces two choices: He can either be a stay-at-home parent, benefiting from the backing of a working partner who shares childcare responsibilities upon returning home, or you can divorce him, and he can become a single parent receiving child support. However, he cannot manipulate you into bearing his child and then assert that fatherhood is too challenging, compelling you to abandon your aspirations and become a secondary figure in his ambitions.

FrontTour1583 −  NTA. Don’t give up your career. But if he can’t cut it you might want to look into a nanny and include nanny cams if you’re worried about safety. This would probably get me thinking about divorce to be honest.

I_DOM_UR_PATRIARCHY −  He absolutely broke down and said he doesn’t think he can do this. He expressed how trapped, alone and o**rwhelmed he felt all weekend. He now wants me to extend my maternity leave and is talking about trying to get his job back

He is essentially panicking about the matter that he (a) consented to, (b) pledged to manage, and (c) pushed you towards, and now he desires for that matter to affect you rather than himself.

F**k him. What you said was harsh, but I don’t know many people who would have had an easy time staying calm after being confronted with that. I probably would have said something mean too. He needs to put on his big boy pants and figure out how he is going to take care of the situation he created.

User throwawaySAHPaita: Certain sentiments he is voicing hold merit – the feeling of isolation as a stay-at-home parent is genuine – but there exist alternative methods to manage it that don’t necessitate him abandoning his commitment to being the stay-at-home parent he pledged to be. He should focus on directly tackling the isolation, rather than shirking his parental responsibilities by burdening you with them. Not the a**hole.

Otherwise_Degree_729 −  NTA. The condom didn’t break, he broke it. He was never ok with adopting. It surprises me that he went so far as to quit his job, honestly I was expecting him to go back on his word at nine months pregnant.

Someone who pushes for parenthood, agrees to be the primary caregiver, but then quits after a single weekend of solo parenting? He’s untrustworthy, and you definitely shouldn’t sacrifice your career and financial stability for him. If you have the resources, hire a nanny. Once he’s employed, initiate divorce proceedings. A relationship is unsalvageable if trust is absent.

Beneficial-Ball8375 −  NTA. He is an unworthy bag of gummyworms.. I’d seriously consider divorce.. That condom really… broke?. How convenient

IMAGINARIAN_photos −  I didn’t even read past the *BROKEN CONDOM* story. OP, you can’t truly believe that he didn’t poke holes in his condoms regularly until his PLAN worked. He talked you out of an a**rtion. Every single piece adds up to him baby trapping you.. He’s a dishonest POS!

Secret_Dance_7870 −  It is super hard to be home with babies and little kids. We women have been doing it for a LONG time. He needs to do what stay at home moms do everyday. Find support, meet up groups, etc. Also, I know your experience was terrible, but there are good day care providers out there.

Even with someone coming to your house for a period each day while he’s there, offering him a bit of respite while still being watched, the option for you to simply remain home isn’t feasible. He needs to step up.

Substantial-Air3395 −  Sounds like you were baby trapped and he’s regretting it. I couldn’t look at him. Can you hire a nanny?

Considering the potential consequences for their family, was her response reasonable? What steps should they take to discover a mutually acceptable compromise? Let’s discuss your opinions!