I (30f) just found my fiance (30m) on an online dating site. What do I do?

A woman on Reddit recently discovered her fiancé’s profile on a dating app after she began to suspect something was amiss. Although he insisted that work and vehicle problems were the source of his anxiety, her previous encounters with cheating made her feel unsafe in the relationship.

After setting up a bogus account, she noticed activity on his profile. She’s now uncertain about how to address the issue and whether their relationship has any hope of recovery. Read the full account of her predicament below.

‘ I (30f) just found my fiance (30m) on an online dating site. What do I do?’

My partner and I have been together for eighteen months, and we became housemates several months back. Lately, he’s seemed somewhat detached. I’ve experienced infidelity before, so his recent shift in demeanor has made me feel quite insecure.

He told me he’s only worried about his job and the fact that his car broke down a few weeks back, and he still hasn’t been able to get a new one. I couldn’t shake the persistent feeling that something was off, so I decided to look into things further.

I didn’t snoop in his phone or personal accounts, but I made a fake profile on a popular dating site and found him there. He was last online July 1st. I don’t know what to do. How do I confront him? What do I say? Can our relationship be saved? Do I even want to save it?. I feel like I am a wreck right now

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

hopingtothrive −  Don’t marry someone who is still out there “dating” unless you are okay with an open relationship. If you confront him, he’ll say, “it belongs to a friend”, “it was just a joke”, “I forgot I even had it”. Test him out on the website and see if he is active or if it really does belong someone else.

shortstack_infj −  Leave him. He’s a c**ater.

[Reddit User] −  I recently had to log in to a dating site so I could deactivate the annoying emails they kept sending me. I have been in a happy relationship for a long time now and am not trying to date. Maybe something else is going on here instead of the obvious. I would go with what other people said and try to catfish him.

musicmaj −  If I can offer another perspective, about 2 days ago I suddenly got an email from okcupid saying I had matches. Which is great, except I’ve been in the same relationship for 3.5 years and disabled my account the first month we met. Then got a second email saying there was suspicious activity on my account.

I informed my partner right away, showed him the messages, and asked if he was okay with me accessing the account to investigate. I did, and as suspected, the account was compromised. In a past relationship, we also experienced our Plenty of Fish accounts mysteriously reactivating. Dating websites are strange.

It’s plausible his account was compromised, or it simply re-emerged spontaneously. However, failing to inform your significant other would be unacceptable. My initial reaction this week wasn’t to address the supposed hacking of my profile privately without telling my partner. Instead, my immediate urge was to be honest and forthright with the truth.

And he responded with a puzzled expression, telling them to proceed as necessary. Even if infidelity isn’t occurring, he needs to significantly improve his openness, honesty, and transparency as a partner.

tfresca −  Maybe have a conversation before you jump to conclusions. Talk to him in person and ask him to pull up his profile and see what’s cracking. IF he refuses then bail. These online dating sites aren’t exactly honest regarding profiles, activity and all that. Maybe he logged on to try to deactivate it and couldn’t figure it out.

knowledge_lover −  My fiance and I have been together a year and a half. Never understood how people get engaged so quickly. It is true that you can never know a person COMPLETELY but you can at least take your time to get to know each other alot better.

I realize this might be a controversial opinion, but I believe a relationship is really just beginning after the initial year. I can’t imagine proposing marriage after only knowing someone superficially for twelve months. However, that’s just my personal viewpoint.

On a different note, present him with the proof in person and listen to his explanation. However, encountering this problem a year and a half into the relationship? It doesn’t appear promising for a positive outcome. I am sorry.

ProbablyMyJugs −  I’m really sorry OP. Confront him. Trust your gut. Screenshot the evidence. Talk to your friends, your family, and enjoy some time with them. No one can tell you what you want or if it can be saved,

but let me pose this question: Can you envision yourself abandoning this? Do you desire a marriage plagued by such chaos even before it begins? Do you want to constantly harbor doubts and uncertainties?

PerkyLurkey −  Obviously you shouldn’t try to catfish him. That would be the plan of a 14 year old school girl. If you must get your screenshots, then ask him what is going on. Talk to him, and respond as if you are a mature woman.. Seriously 🙄

rbus −  Don’t catfish him. Be an adult and confront him. Entrapment is hardly a healthy way to continue a relationship. Ah let’s be honest, your relationship is doomed if you are actually considering this as a logical move.

oceans09 −  I strongly suggest you communicate with him before assuming anything. Idk your situation very well but do you think it maybe possible that the profile is from a long time ago which he didn’t delete cause maybe he isn’t aware of it anymore?

Do you believe the actions of the fiancé indicate a more significant underlying problem, or might they simply represent a passing stage? If you were in her position, what steps would you take to address the situation? Please share your opinions in the comments.