My boyfriend’s ex wrote a letter to me. I feel really strange and jealous even though it was a nice letter

A Reddit user recounted how she received a touching letter from her boyfriend’s former partner, intended for the woman he would eventually fall in love with. Despite the letter’s encouraging and warm nature, it evoked feelings of unease and envy within her, underscoring the deep emotional connection her boyfriend once shared with his ex. The complete story is detailed below.

‘ My boyfriend’s ex wrote a letter to me. I feel really strange and jealous even though it was a nice letter’

My partner (26) had a three-year relationship with a woman between the ages of 20 and 23. She was from a different continent and longed for her homeland, which ultimately led to her return and the end of their relationship. In the nine months we’ve been together, my boyfriend has shared several positive things about her.

From what I gathered from his friends, they were considered the perfect couple, and she was known for her kindness and charm. Some even believe he’ll never experience that level of love again, which undoubtedly caused him pain. However, things took an odd turn today. It seems that after their breakup, she left him a letter.

It mentions, among other things, her wishing him well, and so on. However, it also states that he should pass on another letter to the woman he eventually falls in love with. Apparently, she included that letter. He handed it to me, still sealed. I was unsure of what to anticipate, but she seemed so kind in her letter.

Essentially, he communicated that I’m incredibly fortunate to be loved by him, emphasizing that I should value it highly and that I must possess exceptional qualities for him to have selected me. Following this, she added some personal advice on methods to ensure his happiness. I’m experiencing a sense of unease. This woman projects an image of extraordinary virtue. I’m uncertain of my feelings regarding this letter and the entire situation.

Should I contact her? But what would I even say? Isn’t it strange that my bf or anyone else hasn’t mentioned a single negative thing about her? Somehow this letter made me jealous because I could feel a level of closeness that I don’t have with my boyfriend. What should I make of this?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Ditovontease −  This is one of those things that’s like beautiful in a movie but IRL it’s f**king weird. Like how do they expect you/”future girlfriend” would feel when reading this letter? It’s really callous to me. I don’t think you should contact her, it’s your boyfriend’s fault that she’s even a factor in your relationship at all.

He needs to stop idealizing her because it will negatively impact any future relationships he has. I would explain to him that her letter creates a feeling of never being as important to him as she is/was, which makes you feel insecure about the relationship, as if you are his backup choice.

NorthFocus −  To me its weird to have the tips in there. Like I get it, they had a great relationship that ended, but this is your relationship. Those tips might not be you and now they might rattle around in your brain.

I would physically return the letter to your boyfriend, explaining that she appears to be a good person, but you need to set a clear boundary stating that you don’t want her involved in your relationship with him. You need his complete agreement on this, and not simply because you’re a fallback option.

He needs to listen to your perspective and offer his support. This is a critical juncture where he must ensure his previous relationship isn’t casting a shadow over your current one, and unfortunately, based on the comments, it seems to be happening occasionally. He was wrong to give you the letter.

It was undeniably selfish of her to act that way. She isn’t deceased, merely distant, but should she ever wish to return, you would constantly be burdened with the concern that he might abandon you for her.

9 months provides ample time to assess the trajectory and current state of affairs. It’s futile to try and outdo a perceived “perfect” individual. Focus on personal growth and strive to be the best version of yourself, as that is the most valuable course of action. Avoid imitating her or replicating his past relationship. You and your boyfriend share a unique bond that requires nurturing to flourish and solidify.

wienerkween −  The only world in which a letter like this is acceptable is if that girl is dead. This is straight up bizarre

Waitingforadragon −  I get why you feel uncomfortable. I don’t know her, so I don’t know what her true intentions were. Perhaps she really thought she was being nice, maybe it’s a cultural thing given that she is from another country.

To me, this letter appears somewhat manipulative, almost as if she were forcing her way into his new relationship. The ‘tips’ on how to make him happy come across as possessive and conveying ‘I know him better than you do.’ Regardless of her motivations, I believe it was poorly executed.

If I were in your situation, I would either put the letter she gave you in a drawer or throw it away and try to forget it ever existed. What you have is none of her concern, and her history with your boyfriend is irrelevant to you. Focus on the present, as you two are creating a future together. Those letters are insignificant.

From what his friends told me, they seemed like the perfect match, and she was a genuinely sweet and wonderful person. Some even believe that he’ll never experience that level of love again, which is understandably painful to hear. If his friends are truly sharing such sentiments with you, I’d suggest being wary of those specific individuals.

I can’t fathom why a person who believes they are a friend to your boyfriend would make a remark such as “he’ll never have that kind of love again” to his current girlfriend. Occasionally, people utter foolish things impulsively, so it might simply be a case of that.

They might be attempting to sabotage your relationship for some underlying reason. I’ve frequently encountered similar scenarios on Reddit, where friend groups are annoyed by a new partner and constantly reminisce about the previous relationship.

I’m uncertain of the underlying cause, but it appears they harbor resentment towards their friend for progressing in life, which creates a sense of unease. I speculate whether something similar might be subtly occurring within your boyfriend’s circle of friends.

NickRacicOfCarmelNY −  … and this d**bass actually passed you said letter?. What the f**k is wrong with him?

Rosehip07 −  Should I contact her?. But what would I even say? No. She is his ex and their relationship is done. I find it weird that he’d give you the letter. Are they still in contact? Isn’t it strange that my bf or anyone else hasn’t mentioned a single negative thing about her?

Not necessarily. If she was a decent partner, that’s not a negative attribute. It would be odd if he constantly brought her up. For some reason, this letter evoked jealousy in me because I sensed an intimacy that I lack with my own boyfriend.

He essentially conveyed that I am incredibly fortunate to have earned his affection, emphasizing the importance of treasuring it, and implying that I must possess exceptional qualities for him to have selected me. Following this, she incorporated personal advice on methods to ensure his happiness. It’s possible that stirring jealousy was a primary motivation behind her decision to compose the letter.

She needs you to understand her place in his past, that she understands how to bring him joy (as if that wasn’t obvious?), that her love for him is so immense she desires another woman to cherish him as she did, and so on. How am I supposed to interpret this?

The most important thing is not to react to her in any way. Dispose of the letter. Ignoring it is the most effective response. I would tell your boyfriend that you prefer to keep his past separate from your current relationship. He doesn’t need to be aware of the letter’s details, such as the extent of her feelings for him, as you two have your own connection.

InternationalOlive13 −  You can feel however you want. Personally I would throw the letter away. It’s a little creepy and sanctimonious. Like giving you tips on dating him. Really? As long as he’s not in contact with her I would not put anymore thought into it.

If he’s still stuck on his past, you should discuss how that makes you feel with him. How would he feel if he were in your position? Nobody wants to be compared to another person.

3EyedCat_TheUntamed −  It is not cute, it is overstepping a line. She has no business in his future relationships and I am also weirded out by the fact, that he actually gave you this letter. You don’t need tips from his ex how to handle him, that is incredibly presumptuous.

The only justification I can offer is that she may have still been somewhat immature, given their youth. Therefore, rest assured, she is not perfect. Do not reach out to her; your relationship is no longer her concern.

2beagles −  My problem is that your BF gave you the letter. I can see her being young and loving him very much but still ending the relationship. The letter was inappropriate. I’m sure she did it with good intentions and sappiness, but she was wrong to do it.

It was told from the viewpoint of him belonging to her. He shouldn’t be in this situation. It’s almost as if the two of them view you as temporarily borrowing him as your boyfriend, when in reality, he’s with her. Disgusting.

That your friends are also validating this isn’t ideal. It would be wise to reassess this connection. You should be the radiant highlight in someone’s life, not simply a fallback option because they can’t attain what they truly desire.

theoreoestofpandas −  Um, enclosing a letter to the girl he chooses is not “saint-like” or kind—it’s creepy. Not only creepy, but veeery m**ipulative. It’s something a well-calculated psychopath would do to appear kind, but with ulterior motives in mind.

Let’s delve into the psychological reasons behind such a bizarre action. Essentially, she’s projecting herself into the romantic future of the man she cared for. This is about control; she wants to feel like she’s calling the shots. She believes she has the advantage, and she’s “permitted” the man she loved to continue with his life, almost as if she’s a strange manipulator pulling the strings.

Writing a letter that recognizes a future in which he has completely moved on is a way to create the false impression that you are permitting these events to happen precisely as you intended. It is not the same as truly allowing your loved one to move on independently, without your involvement. The reason it feels strange to you is because it is, in fact, incredibly strange.

Now, it’s possible that writing that was a very freeing experience for her at the time, and perhaps it facilitated her breakup or moving on. That’s fine. But you are under no obligation to appreciate this strange act or give it any attention whatsoever.

It’s not about her admiration for you; it’s about her desire for acknowledgment and for her influence to continue through your connection with him. I would tear it up, burn it, and completely disregard it. She shouldn’t have any unseen power over your relationship with him.

This is strictly a matter between the two of you. Just you two. Nobody else is involved. The addition of her as a spooky ghost is superfluous. Her part in his life is over (though I’m certain she had a good impact on him in several aspects); she no longer matters in that context. Therefore, wish her well in your thoughts and dismiss her strange ghostly presence. Edited for improved clarity.

How would it make you feel to get a letter like that from a former partner of your significant other? Do you see it as a nice and considerate thing to do, or do you think it just stirs up drama? Let us know what you think in the comments!