AITA for laughing when my son came home from meeting his girlfriend’s parents because he chose to behave like he does at home?

Family meals can sometimes be more than just uncomfortable; they can lead to real frustration. I (40M) have always been irritated by my son’s loud burping at the table. Despite my constant efforts to teach him good table manners, he refuses to change. My wife always sticks up for him, saying it’s just his nature, but I think he can control it if he’s reminded.

Following his inaugural date with his significant other last night—an event that included meeting her family at an upscale dining establishment—he returned home in distress, having been sharply criticized for his conduct. Overhearing his retelling of the event to my spouse, I couldn’t suppress my amusement, as it brought to mind numerous instances where I attempted to teach him fundamental manners. Now, both my wife and he believe I lack empathy. Am I wrong for finding humor in what I perceive to be an unavoidable lesson he was destined to experience?

‘ AITA for laughing when my son came home from meeting his girlfriend’s parents because he chose to behave like he does at home?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist with expertise in family communication and behavior modification, notes that “It’s typical for a parent to feel both annoyed and perhaps amused when a child regularly disregards their advice, especially when it comes to fundamental manners.”

In this scenario, your amusement probably arises from past ignored warnings. Nevertheless, it’s important to handle the matter with compassion, since public humiliation can be a strong, though unpleasant, motivator for changing behavior.

She goes on to say, “It is crucial that both parents concur on how to discipline and discuss recurring behaviors. Although humor can occasionally act as a coping strategy and indicate that the behavior requires modification, it must be paired with encouraging conversation to guarantee that the youngster comprehends the fundamental problems rather than feeling mocked.”

Dr. John Gottman, a well-known relationship specialist, notes, “Within families, disagreements about actions frequently point to more fundamental problems related to respect and understanding of oneself. Your response indicates a persistent dissatisfaction with conduct that you’ve attempted to change over time. Nevertheless, it’s important to acknowledge your son’s emotions, as embarrassing him in front of others might create lasting animosity instead of positive development.

In these scenarios, collaborative parenting, where both parents tackle the problem jointly, can result in a fairer resolution. Instead of allowing this instance to dictate his sense of self-esteem, consider using it as a chance for an open and honest conversation with your son about what is expected of him and his own responsibility.

While specialists concur that your laughter is a natural response considering the frequent efforts to rectify his actions, they also caution that it could inflict further emotional damage if not accompanied by a kind discussion. Looking ahead, they propose that a well-rounded strategy that merges firm limits with encouraging input would be more successful in guiding him to modify his behavior without experiencing humiliation.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Several Reddit users voiced their approval of your response. One user stated, “After numerous attempts to instill good manners in him, you are not wrong for eventually laughing at the unavoidable outcome. Occasionally, a humorous moment is the best way to show tough love.”

Another user on Reddit chimed in, “I completely understand. Children frequently need to face the results of their actions to truly learn. Your response, while perhaps a little severe, is understandable if it ultimately gets his attention.”

Your laughter, at its core, arose from profound exasperation with lessons he has repeatedly failed to grasp. Although this response is not unexpected, it prompts a crucial inquiry: In our roles as parents, how do we reconcile humor as a means of dealing with our frustrations with the necessity of offering empathetic and supportive direction? Your reaction could potentially act as a catalyst for change in him, but it also carries the danger of exacerbating underlying emotional distress if it’s not accompanied by genuine dialogue.

What actions would you take if you were in a comparable scenario where continuous misconduct culminated in shame witnessed by others? Please share your ideas and stories in the space provided, as your perspective could aid others in understanding the difficulties of using tough love within families.