My husband cheated on me and is now asking if he is able to remain friends with the person he cheated with

A woman on Reddit shared details about her husband’s affair, their attempts to repair their relationship, and his contentious desire to remain friends with the person he had the affair with.

Even with the advancements made in their marital therapy, the fact that he still wants to get back in touch with the person he had an affair with is making her wonder what her next steps should be. Read on to learn more about this complicated scenario.

‘ My husband cheated on me and is now asking if he is able to remain friends with the person he cheated with’

Having been a couple for a little over two decades, my spouse (m44) and I (f42) have young kids (all younger than 10). A little over a quarter of a year ago, my husband admitted to cheating on me with a very close, long-time friend—someone he’s been acquainted with for almost as long as he’s known me.

The relationship continued for close to two years, though I suspect emotional infidelity may have occurred much earlier, for an indeterminate period. His original intention was to end our marriage. Subsequent to admitting the affair to me, he disclosed all the particulars to his parents, close friends, and even his work colleagues.

He’d finalized his departure arrangements, securing a residence by signing a lease, equipping it with furniture, and prepaying a year’s rent—funds he obtained by refinancing our house. He was completely committed to beginning anew.

I pleaded with him to remain and allow our marriage an opportunity to recover; I believed our relationship of more than 20 years deserved that. It was difficult to persuade him, but he eventually chose to stay.

Ultimately, he chose to remain, and he has consistently expressed that he is content with his choice to be with his family. Following his decision to stay, he ceased all communication with his affair partner (AP) and has maintained no contact for approximately 12 weeks.

He still has her contact information saved and continues to follow her online, but, more importantly, he no longer speaks to her. I am certain of this due to his complete transparency in marriage counseling.

In our therapy appointments, he discusses her with such frankness that it disturbs me, though I recognise that transparent dialogue will be vital for restoring our relationship. I must reiterate that while he initially hesitated to remain in the marriage, I now believe he is dedicated to reconstructing it.

He desires it just as intensely as I do. He’s mentioned his wish to maintain a friendship with his affair partner both in past therapy meetings and again not long ago. He claims that because they were friends before the affair, he wants to continue being friends with her.

I have said I’m not comfortable with that, I said it the first time he made that suggestion and he brought it up again just a few days ago.
I am worried how this might impact our marriage if he is permanently cut off from her and I am unsure on what to do.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

DFahnz −  I can see he is committed to rebuilding our marriage. He wants it as much as I do.. Does not compute with. He says because they were friends prior to cheating he would like for them to still have a friendship.. This should be your dealbreaker.

Witty-Stock −  No no no. Divorce him and move on. He’s not willing to do what it takes to save your marriage. Suggesting he keep her in his life once was outrageous. Twice is putting a “Just Divorce Me” sign around his neck. You probably should have just let his treacherous ass walk out the door the first time.

2SadSlime −  A 2 year affair, telling everyone he’s leaving you, signing a lease by remortgaging your house, and you “convinced” him to stay…how embarrassing

asleepinthealpine −  you need to raise your standards, why is this man still your husband? How could you not have the ick for him by this point

PinkPier −  If you don’t mind me asking, why did you waste so much energy begging him to stay with you, family or not? None of this sounds good. You’ve cajoled him into staying and he’s still talking about the woman he was doing behind your back. This isn’t going to end well for anyone. Just let him go and move on.

Soggy_Helicopter8610 −  I’ve watched family members try to work it out after he had a two year long affair. It all started fine like the two of them were working on things together but after a while, I started to notice that really he’s been trying to change her over time.

Attempting to silence her when she expresses her emotions and acting as if he is blameless. I intend to sever ties with them and, furthermore, I do not wish for my children to associate with them, as I strongly disapprove of their dynamic, primarily due to his failure to acknowledge his wrongdoings.

He doesn’t appear remorseful upon observation, a sentiment mirrored in his behavior. While you may perceive your actions as safeguarding your family or a longstanding relationship, an objective view suggests progress is impossible without your partner demonstrating some regret.

His desire to maintain a friendly relationship with his partner signals a significant lack of comprehension regarding the extent of his infidelity, which affects you, your children, and your family structure.

As someone on the periphery, I’m not interested in associating with someone capable of deceiving their family and those they profess to love for two years, driven by self-centered motives. Consider the time he stole from you and his children to dedicate to this other woman, and the funds he used for outings with her.

That confluence of factors amounts to a major act of disloyalty, and it reveals a deficiency in moral character that I would be loath to excuse through my association or by exposing my kids to that person, behaving as if it were a non-issue.

If I were in your shoes, I’d rip off the bandage, allow him to return to his mistress, and concentrate on rescuing the rest of your life while you’re still young.

amaralove123 −  Please respect yourself and end this marriage. Why are you trying to force someone to love and choose you. He already made his choice. He made all the arrangements to leave. Let him. He does not love you

OffKira −  Guys, just so you know. I’m pretty sure this is the woman who keeps posting the same g**damn story every so often (I think there was one last week if not less than that). Husband cheated and still wants to be buddies with the AP. These are the 2 facts you guys need that aren’t present in this post:

1) She unrealistically believes he will be compelled to love her again simply because of… 2) She warned him that she would make co-parenting extremely difficult. Indeed. That explains why he is remaining (at least temporarily).

59flowerpots −  I sincerely doubt he ever stopped talking to his affair partner. He just got better at hiding it or you are so deep in denial that you refuse to see it.

This situation probably never ceased, and his “radical honesty” during therapy seems like a means to boast about the affair and further degrade you. Prioritize your self-worth and end the relationship. Requesting him to salvage your unsuccessful marriage was an error in judgement.

Waste-Win −  Yesh, you have to admit you brought this upon yourself. HE CHEATED and yet YOU had to convince him to stay. Do you see the problem?

Should the husband’s desire to be friends with the person he had an affair with be taken seriously, or does it weaken the trust that is being re-established in their relationship? What steps would you take to restore trust in a situation like this? Please share your opinions in the comments!