Found Out My (33f) Fiancé (31m) Used to Sleep with Married Women in His 20s, and His Justification Has Me Questioning Everything. How do I approach this?

A woman learns that her future husband had a habit of sleeping with married women when he was younger, excusing his behavior as a method of “learning” from their marital problems so he could be a better partner.

Despite his claims that she has reformed him and that he is prepared for a committed relationship, his absence of regret and indifferent demeanor regarding his behavior make her doubt his integrity and their prospects together.

‘ Found Out My (33f) Fiancé (31m) Used to Sleep with Married Women in His 20s, and His Justification Has Me Questioning Everything. How do I approach this?’

My soon-to-be husband, and I are both in our early thirties, has consistently struck me as the ideal partner. He is caring, understands emotions well, and simply… understands me. I have always felt fortunate to be with him, but recently, I discovered something that has deeply disturbed me.

We were engrossed in a profound discussion about our histories when the subject of prior relationships surfaced. He confessed that during his twenties, he frequently engaged in sexual relations with women who were married. His justification? “They were willing participants, and I made it a point to avoid women who seemed content in their marriages.”

According to him, most of these women approached him, and he claimed that “90% of married women are willing to cheat if the opportunity presents itself.”
When I asked why he thought that, he told me it was based on his experience.

he was actively learning what NOT to do in a relationship. Hearing him discuss it so nonchalantly disgusted me. But the real shocker is that he confessed that a major factor in his current ability to be a great boyfriend is that he spent those affairs actively figuring out what behaviors ruin relationships.

He maintained a running tally in his mind of every grievance these women had against their spouses. He used that knowledge to improve himself. He even quipped that he learned “what not to do” in relationships by listening to them.

He dismissed my question about any remorse or guilt he might feel for his role in the disintegration of marriages. He claimed the women involved were already seeking infidelity and he simply provided an avenue for them to fulfill their desires.

He even presented it as though he were doing them a favor, assisting them in recognizing their unhappiness. He maintains that I transformed him, that I am the catalyst for his desire to commit and abandon his previous lifestyle. However, I am unable to dismiss the notion that his history reveals something unsettling about his nature.

I realize individuals evolve, yet I now possess a disturbing awareness that I can’t ignore. I’m uncertain of my objective in this situation. What’s the best way to communicate my emotions to him?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Extension-Scar-5513 −  As a man who’s wife cheated on me, I have some thoughts. I know my wife did go out with friends on weekends and complain about the things she was unhappy about in marriage. She should have brought these concerns up to me, but instead she chose to confide her unhappiness with guys she met at the bar.

They would shower her with compliments and confirm her beliefs, which is what she was looking for. Afterwards, she would be intimate with them. Admittedly, the men who slept with my wife acted reprehensibly. Knowing full well that she was married, they effectively ruined a family for a brief sexual encounter.

Ultimately, my spouse engaged in infidelity with multiple individuals. While some of them may have possessed strong moral principles and declined her advances, she would have simply sought out another partner to betray me with. Therefore, the responsibility lies solely with the adulterer’s decision to be unfaithful, as they were determined to cheat regardless of the circumstances.

Your boyfriend didn’t cause any divorces; the unfaithful women did. However, his willingness to exploit such circumstances reveals a moral deficiency. The fact that he seems to feel no regret or repentance is a significant warning sign.

Calman00 −  My wife cheated with one of these guys. Their satisfaction partially comes from humiliating the husband, feeling superior and feeling proud like your BF does. He also seems to believe that you will cheat in the future with a Casanova like him, like 90% of married women do? How does he feel about it?

Knightowllll −  Listen to your gut. If you think it sounds like BS it’s bc it is. Showing a lack of morals is showing a lack of morals. If you’re young, attractive, and can date anyone then why aren’t you just dating other young single people?

Life_One_6012 −  Pretty gross behavior to talk about so casually. Would be a major turn off.

sanguinepsychologist −  Anyone who takes no responsibility for their actions and assumes cheating is only a crime for the committed person, absolving the one knowingly cheating with a committed person of any fault, would not be a person of integrity worth marrying.

The issue isn’t so much what he’s done before, but how he currently justifies his infidelity. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, so any talk of change is meaningless. Maturing involves acknowledging past mistakes and striving to improve. However, he doesn’t believe he’s made any mistakes.

triedandprejudice −  He’s a man of low character who will cheat on you when he decides to.

Piilootus −  “He gave them what they wanted” EUGH. I do question how he’ll act if your relationship at any point goes through a rough patch. Will he be there working it through with you or will he be looking for what he wants?

His inability to acknowledge his role in these situations and lack of remorse is a major warning sign. The fact that he appears to believe the other person involved is blameless is another significant cause for concern.

I don’t believe I have the strength to recover from this. It would be easier to forgive if he showed remorse or regret, but his indifference and apparent pride are too much to bear.

Minimum_Hearing9457 −  You are lucky to have a guy like this. If your relationship ever goes through a rough patch, he will sleep with married women until he figures out what the problem is and how to fix it. It is rare to find this kind of commitment in a man any more. You should lock him up if you can.

StarMagus −  People claim that your partners s**ual past shouldn’t matter.. It absolutely does.

D-redditAvenger −  It’s always a mistake to join your life to immoral people. They are only moral when it’s convenient. This will be clear to you once you are no longer so.