AITA for burning bridges with my in-laws at my husband’s funeral?

A Redditor shares the story of a difficult situation involving her late husband’s family. She reflects on her marriage to Jake, which began full of promise but changed drastically after he joined the military. Over time, Jake’s personality shifted, his temper flared, and his drinking worsened.

Despite her attempts to discuss his future, things grew toxic, and after his tragic death in a car accident, the Redditor felt relief rather than sorrow. At his funeral, she made a candid remark about her experience with the military and its impact on Jake, which led to a clash with his family and unexpected support for them from her own parents. Read the original story below to learn more about her emotional journey.

‘ AITA for burning bridges with my in-laws at my husband’s funeral?’

When Jake and I got married, we were only 19. Looking back, I realize it wasn’t the smartest decision, but it was a frequent occurrence where we lived. We come from a place with limited possibilities, and while I was fortunate enough to earn scholarships and go to college, Jake chose to enlist in the armed forces.

We had several conversations on this topic, and he clearly expressed that his sole purpose for enlisting was to utilize the GI Bill for a single term before leaving to pursue higher education. When I married Jake, he was a kind, humorous man who liked to cook, and his hunting of deer was the only instance of him deliberately causing harm.

Following Jake’s arrival, things took a turn. His overall demeanor became noticeably more hostile. Having never witnessed him lose his composure before, it was jarring to see him transition from someone who never even raised his voice to someone who would scream at his family and me when things didn’t go as he wanted, and his behavior when intoxicated became even more disagreeable. And he certainly started drinking heavily.

I don’t mind having a beer with friends occasionally, but ever since Jake enlisted, he’s been drinking non-stop. His jokes have also gotten much more offensive; his go-to punchline became “Dirty little sheet heads!”. What really made me angry was when we were talking about his plans after his service, since he was trying to decide whether to reenlist or not. He said he wanted to stay in. I brought up the fact that he’d promised to leave the military. He was drunk, and things turned sour.

I found the wives’ group at the military post unhelpful, which led me to discreetly explore the possibility of divorcing Jake. However, earlier this year, he passed away in a vehicle collision. To be frank, my primary emotion was one of liberation. I attended his funeral and remained silent during the service. Later, at the meal, Jake’s younger sister came up to me, mentioning she had begun seeing a soldier, and wondered if I had any guidance for her.

“Username” My suggestion? Steer clear. The armed forces destroyed Jake, transforming the person I was in love with into a violent, alcoholic jerk. Unsurprisingly, Jake’s relatives exploded in anger, but what worries me even more is that my own mother and father are siding with them… Am I the bad guy?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

IsaRenee −  NTA. She asked for advice, she got it. And you know what? Yeah it’s too broad, but you were abused and freshly out. So no, not everyone who joins the military will end up like he did, but you gave your honest sisterly advice.

(Indeed, it’s possible she experienced trauma; however, if she eventually understands the reality, she might want to discuss the changes with you. Perhaps she’ll seek a conversation about the happier recollections of her brother.) I apologize if this lacks clarity, but I hope it’s understandable.

JimGrimoire −  NAH, but given the context, you’re reaaaal close to YTA, despite tir circumstances. Everyone processes grief (or lack thereof) differently. They of course still loved him, so to them, you just insulted their recently deceased brother/son/cousin right after his funeral. They didn’t have the same experience as you and fall out of love with him, so for them, the comment was cruel. It doesn’t take into context your experience.

[Reddit User] −  YTA. Typically it is bad to say negative things about others at their funeral, especially in front of their grieving family. You should have made the conversation more private, and you shouldn’t have elaborated unless prompted. I agree entirely with your sentiment. Your intentions were good, but wrong place and wrong time.

BroadElderberry −  ESH. Your SIL asked a dumb-ass question. As far as she knew, you just lost your husband, and so that’s maybe not a good time to bring up her budding love life. Said husbands funeral is neither the time nor the place for you to say that. Not to mention that all military people are not the same. They’re as diverse as civilians.

All six individuals in my family have a history of military service, and none of them conducted themselves in the manner your husband did (although four of them are of Middle Eastern origin, their reasons for not using phrases such as “dirty little sheet head” stem from different considerations).

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You were abused, she asked for advice and you gave it. Funeral or not, honesty is always the best choice. His parents are hurting of course, but that doesn’t mean they should be lied to or have the truth hidden from them. Lies and omission absolutely s**k. The assholes for me are your husband and your parents for not sympathizing with you after he literally abused you.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Ex-Navy wife here. It’s a brutal life in a lot of ways and civilians cannot, and never will, understand. You were also probably away from the family for your postings, so they only remember the man you married, not the man he became.

You are entitled to your recollections, just as they are to theirs. I wouldn’t offer an apology, but perhaps say something along the lines of, “Circumstances evolved during our service, and with hindsight, I would have advised Jake against enlisting. However, regardless of your decisions (Jake’s little sister), I will consistently be present for you.” Regarding both your family and his, they can be disregarded. You are a military widow. You’ve matured past the point of needing to satisfy your family.

eabird −  Dude NTA. I’m a female veteran, I’ve seen husband’s do their civillian wives so dirty and the women too. Could you have said it better? Probably. But that was probably the worst time to ask that question. You went through it not your family and not his family. You should probably seek some help and talk this out with a professional though.

gedvondur −  Soft YTA – I’m not denying your pain or your issues with Jake. But that was cruel and insensitive to do at that time. I can also appreciate that you were under a lot of emotional turmoil yourself.

StreetSweep949 −  NTA I was the only person in my group of 6 friends from high school that didn’t go into a service job, and to be honest it seriously screwed them all up except for one and that one grew up in that household you described so the services wasn’t much different than home for him. But you were honest with her and gave her your true feelings, I’m honestly very glad that you gave her an honest heads up

[Reddit User] −  YTA. You hurt the family who was in grief and probably didn’t need to be told their son was a monster. Secondly just because jake was an a**hole, according to you, doesn’t mean that every soldier will become a d**k.

Was the Redditor right to feel the way she did, considering the problems in her marriage, or was her response excessive, taking into account that it was her deceased husband’s family she was dealing with? How would you navigate a similar situation with your in-laws following such a devastating loss? Let us know what you think in the comments!