AITA for asking a neighbor if she wanted to share food?

A 31-year-old man, living independently, inquired with his neighbor, Katie, about the possibility of paying her to prepare additional portions of food for him. He was finding it difficult to manage both cooking and his finances, and had been appreciating the aromas coming from her kitchen. However, upon hearing his proposition, she expressed surprise and declined, deeming his request offensive and unsuitable. The man is now wondering whether he overstepped, or if his offer was not as objectionable as she portrayed it to be. The complete account of their interaction is detailed below.

‘ AITA for asking a neighbor if she wanted to share food?’

I am a 31-year-old, unmarried man residing independently in an apartment building. I’ve been a resident here for six years. My neighbor, a woman I believe to be around my age or slightly younger (whose first name I don’t know, so I’ll refer to her as Katie), lives diagonally across the hall from me and has been there for approximately two years. We acknowledge each other in passing, but we’re not close, similar to my interactions with the majority of my neighbors.

Given my lack of culinary skills and a recent reduction in income due to the loss of a part-time job, my takeout budget has been significantly reduced. I’m increasingly tired of relying on inexpensive fast food or boxed macaroni and cheese, which is leading to weight gain and a general feeling of unwellness.

I can see Katie as the solution here. I am always able to detect the aroma of her cooking from the hallway, and it consistently smells delightful. I’m certain it’s not the elderly man residing at our end of the hall. I’ve even expressed my admiration for her cooking on several occasions. Consequently, I conceived the idea of offering her a weekly sum to prepare a slightly larger quantity and deliver it to me in the evenings, or alternatively, I could collect it from her myself. Since she’s already engaged in cooking, I would then have a variety of, presumably, delicious meals at my disposal.

The following time I saw her, I posed the question, and she seemed taken aback, replying that she was unavailable due to a packed schedule, which seemed odd given her daily cooking habits. A few days later, I approached her again, inquiring if she was certain of her decision, and even increased my offer. However, she remained firm, stating that my persistence was impolite, emphasizing that she wasn’t a housekeeper for hire and suggesting that I should seek professional help if that was my intention. Furthermore, she referred to me as a stranger, despite our previous hallway conversations.

She basically made me feel like a total jerk, and I was extremely ashamed for even approaching her. I also got a bit angry because she treated me like I was being a creep (I wasn’t, believe me; she’s not my kind of person). I don’t believe my suggestion of sharing cooking duties was unreasonable, given that she already cooks daily and it wouldn’t take much effort to prepare a slightly larger amount. So, am I the bad guy?

EDIT: It seems many believe I harbor sexist views because I didn’t believe the elderly male resident was the one cooking. This isn’t an unfounded assumption on my part. We’ve been neighbors for six years. The cooking aromas only began after the female resident moved in, and I’ve previously complimented her on the delicious scents emanating from her cooking.

It’s clear that my actions were wrong, and asking her out was not okay – even a bit disturbing, I must concede. Although I feel I should apologize, given my initial poor judgment, I’ll refrain and leave her alone. Thanks.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

[Reddit User] −  **YTA**. Honestly, OP: Thank you. So many people on this sub are just struggling for self-awareness, wading through uncharted territory, or trying to figure out how to navigate a complex situation with many moving parts and lasting social repercussions. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say, how to reach them, and especially how to reduce the situation down to a single three-letter acronym. But you, OP, are a 100% bonafide a**hole. Let’s count the ways.

You are obviously making her feel very uneasy. You’ve made it so she feels like she has to be extra cautious when coming and going from her own place, because a strange man in the hallway keeps pressuring her to… fix meals for him? Seriously? She may even think that you’re watching her as she enters and exits her apartment so you can ambush her about cooking for you, which will absolutely freak her out and make her not feel safe in her own apartment.

Why would you ever believe that you deserve their food? It would be an issue even if they were your partner, and you don’t even know them! How did you hear them decline and then decide to keep insisting? They’re calling you a stranger because you are one, and they’re telling you no because they mean NO.

“I’m sure it’s not the other resident down the hall because he’s just an elderly man living alone.” Seriously? Cut the crap. You’re being a jerk and acting like a creep, and you should feel much more ashamed than you do. Stop bothering your neighbor, start making your own meals, and just leave her alone. Seriously, OP? She already rejected you.

k0ella −  INFO: what the f**k?

EndsWithJusSayin −  YTA – She said no, stop asking. Learn to cook, there’s plenty of videos and subreddits to help you along. Hell, get a slow cooker. It’s so hard to f**k s**t up with a slow cooker.

alexi_lupin −  YTA. For one thing, you are a human adult. Learn to cook. There are so many books and videos about this. You talk as though your only options are either takeout or Katie and they’re not. You assumed it wasn’t the other person cooking because he’s a single old man? Single old men eat too, there’s no reason he couldn’t be cooking? What a weird assumption.

When she indicated she was occupied, that was a tactful refusal. Even if she prepares her own meals daily, the proper social response would be to withdraw the invitation politely. However, you insisted further. You weren’t suggesting shared cooking; you were requesting she handle all aspects, including meal planning and grocery shopping.

It’s understandable if you’re obligated to do this as part of your job, since you’re compensated for your efforts. You keep minimizing the issue, suggesting it’s not significant since she’s already preparing food. However, I believe you’re missing some crucial aspects. What if she prefers not to cook on a particular evening? What if she has to work longer hours? What if she’s feeling unwell? Personally, I would dislike feeling somewhat accountable for providing your meals, especially given our limited acquaintance.

You can still come off as unsettling even if you’re not romantically interested in someone. The essence of being creepy lies in disregarding personal limits, precisely what occurred when you persisted despite her refusal. Highlighting that she doesn’t fit your preferences makes you appear like a jerk.

1Tallboi −  There’s no excuse for a man your age to not know how to cook at least a few things. YTA

Asayyadina −  YTA – everyone else has laid out why really well but I also find it genuinely astonishing to ask someone whose first name you do not even know to cook for you??? Also you are clearly not thinking about all the extra labour that would go into this hypothetical arrangement besides the shopping, prep, cooking and packaging it up (Do you provide tupperware or containers? Does she use hers and do you factor in that cost).

The implications are that you would now need to be in continual contact regarding meals. If you anticipate being fed each time she prepares food and believe this occurs nightly, she will now need to inform you whenever this isn’t the case, such as when she is on vacation, out for the night, or hosting friends who are ordering pizza, and so on.

She must now consider your preferences and any dietary restrictions. If you dislike her cooking, will you still compensate her? Furthermore, if you plan to eat elsewhere, you must inform her. What happens if you unexpectedly dine out one evening after work and neglect to notify her? Do you still pay for the meal she prepares, or does she incur the cost of the ingredients? This all requires significant planning, organization, and ongoing communication, which constitutes effort and emotional investment.

lilo_25 −  Um, yeah, YTA. Just because something ‘makes sense’ to you doesn’t mean she should just jump on your bandwagon. If I was vacuuming my apartment and my neighbor knocked on the door and asked if I could vacuum theirs for $5 I’d be weirded out. I’m vacuuming my apartment, not advertising a business.

You’re suggesting payment, but she’d need to purchase additional ingredients, change her recipes, dedicate more time to producing a larger quantity of food, and then package and deliver it to you? It’s quite presumptuous of you to assume that someone should undertake something simply because *you* believe they possess the time and energy. Cooking is exhausting, involves numerous dishes and preparation.

There are lots of catering businesses and food preparation firms that promote this kind of service. Pestering your neighbor to cook for you simply because you said you would pay her is strange and absurd.

[Reddit User] −  YTA. It might have been OK to ask once, but it’s an a**hole move to ask twice. I think asking her to split cooking wasn’t completely outlandish, since she cooks every day anyway and it wouldn’t be hard to make a little more. Your request was very unusual. Since you don’t know how to cook, you are not in a position to tell someone else how hard cooking is!!

caity2706 −  YTA. You; “She called me a stranger even though we’ve talked in the halls” Also you: “we’ll cal her Katie because I don’t know her first name”

ASereneDeath −  YTA learn to cook, don’t expect women to provide for you when they don’t even know you. Women aren’t sitting around hoping strange men offer them money in order to help themselves to whatever they want.

Was the user’s proposition fair, or was it out of line and intrusive? How would you have responded if you were in Katie’s position? Let us know what you think in the comments section!