AITA for ending my relationship because my boyfriend prioritized his ex and didn’t set boundaries?

A woman on Reddit discusses her breakup with her boyfriend, which was triggered by his failure to establish boundaries with his former partner. Although she recognized the challenges of raising children together, she had difficulty accepting her secondary importance in his life, as he routinely gave precedence to his ex’s desires, thereby neglecting their romance. She is now unsure whether she made the correct decision in leaving or if her expectations were excessive.

‘ AITA for ending my relationship because my boyfriend prioritized his ex and didn’t set boundaries?’

I (31F) just broke up with my boyfriend (32M) because I felt like he wasn’t putting me first, and his relationship with his ex (F) had no limits. Now I’m second-guessing my decision, so I need to know if I’m wrong for leaving.

Here’s the full story: When we started dating, my boyfriend told me upfront that he loves his ex in a platonic way and that nothing would get in the way of their relationship. I accepted it, but I don’t think I fully understood the extent of their dynamic. Over time, I started to notice things that made me uncomfortable:

•  His ex relied on him heavily for things like housework and emotional support. She had a boyfriend at the time, but he wasn’t reliable, so my BF stepped in to help her constantly.
• They talked on the phone every day, and at the end of most calls, he told her, “I love you.” She would say it back sometimes.
•  Recently, they started going to church together as a family with their son.

His son holds a significant place in his life, a fact I fully appreciate and acknowledge. Yet, he frequently used his son to rationalize his conduct toward his former partner. Whenever I voiced worries about limits, he would resort to phrases like, “I’m acting in my son’s best interest,” or “I must maintain harmony for the child” or the tiresome and patronising “you do not have kids, you don’t understand”. Although I recognize the difficulties inherent in co-parenting, it often appeared that he placed his ex-wife’s needs above our relationship, masking it as a benefit for his son.

Initially, I attempted to show compassion, acknowledging their shared parental bond and honoring that connection. However, I began to experience a sense of exclusion in my own romantic involvement. This felt unsettling, yet I also refused to vie for his focus, as that behavior is contrary to my nature.

Some time ago, my partner and I, along with his former girlfriend and her partner, were all in the market for houses. Eventually, both my boyfriend and I located a suitable property, as did his ex. We all concurred that residing in proximity would be beneficial for his relationship with his son.

Because her boyfriend didn’t have the funds, she was forced to give up her house. Furthermore, she was at risk of losing her rental apartment. She was essentially about to be without a home, but she had relatives who were able to assist her. I’d also like to mention that her son was always welcome to stay with us. He would have never experienced homelessness.

I purchased the property outright, with all ownership registered to me. My boyfriend assisted with a $10,000 loan. I established safeguards for my own protection, which he accepted. (I always intended to reimburse him for the loan and any other investments he made in the house if the relationship ended).

Prior to her home being foreclosed upon, her boyfriend suggested she request a loan from me. I was in the middle of purchasing a property then, so all my funds were committed. I was unable to provide her with any assistance. Furthermore, I was reluctant to lend her money to begin with. Personally, I firmly believe that when lending money, one should be prepared to consider it a gift.

I didn’t want to abandon her without any recourse. I volunteered to assist her in discovering methods to generate the necessary funds on her own. I provided suggestions such as liquidating valuable possessions from her residence, putting in extra hours at work, or even obtaining supplementary employment. My sincere desire was to enable her to resolve the situation, but I was unable to simply provide her with the money directly.

Then came the invitation to cohabitate: When she found herself without a place to live, my boyfriend suggested that she (and her children) move in with *us* for a few months until she became stable again. The issue? He spoke with her about it before consulting me.

I finally addressed the matter, telling him frankly that it made me uneasy. I spend the entire night at my job, and my trust in others isn’t strong enough to allow someone to reside in my house, most notably a person who is already heavily dependent on my boyfriend, and with whom he had a sexual past. I felt awful for declining, but I was also aware that her family would support her if she were in genuine need.

Following my refusal, my boyfriend expressed his disappointment, accusing me of selfishness and prioritizing my own needs while disregarding his son’s potential homelessness. Despite his pressure, I remained firm, and he informed his ex about my decision. This altered my relationship with her, casting me in a negative light.

Last night, my boyfriend’s former girlfriend was hospitalized following an attack by her former boyfriend. My boyfriend immediately rushed to her aid. To be clear, I don’t fault him for assisting in such an emergency. I understand the gravity of the situation.

However, it also highlighted for me the degree to which she is his priority, and the very permeable nature of their limits. I found it impossible to disregard the overarching trend.

• She depends on him for everything, and he always puts her first.
• I constantly felt like I was sharing him emotionally, practically, and physically.

I came to the conclusion that I am worthy of more. It’s important for me to be a main focus, and I require a partner who values me and our connection enough to maintain defined limits with their former partner. Consequently, I brought our relationship to a close. Following that, he departed and went to encounter her at the emergency room.

I’m not angry. I wish the best for him and his ex. Maybe this push will help them get back together for the sake of their child. I’m okay with that because I know I’ll be okay. Of course, it hurts to let go of someone I care about, but I refuse to compete with anyone for a man’s attention. I trust myself. I’m strong, I’m capable, I’m smart with my money, and I know my worth.

I still find myself questioning whether I was wrong to end things because I desired well-defined limits and to be valued in my own relationship. Was it wrong of me to come to this conclusion considering our shared history?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Ok-Coconut824 −  You’re definitely NTA. You chose to prioritize yourself, because your partner couldn’t or wouldn’t. He hasn’t learned how to navigate coparenting in a way where he can still live his life; and his ex has an unhealthy codependency with him. They definitely need clear boundaries if they want to have healthy relationships with other partners, that’s assuming they really want to be with other partners.

Lindensorry −  NTA. He’s sounds like he was trying to be poly without letting you know. Especially after he had the balls to ask you to let her and her kids live in YOUR house. Be glad you didn’t buy it with him. There’s no doubt in my mind that he was sleeping with her.

nunya_munroe −  Wow you put up with way too much. You absolutely did the right thing by ending things with him. You should have done it sooner, you deserve way better than he was willing to give you.

SecretaryPresent16 −  You did the right thing. It doesn’t seem like this situation will ever change. There are almost no boundaries at all between them. Im wondering…what was the point of them breaking up in the first place? It sounds like he was in a relationship with both of you.

Waste_Ad_6467 −  NTA. So glad you know your worth. Doesn’t make it hurt any less though, I am sure. You seem like a very kind, understanding person, OP. I hope you go on to find the love you deserve. All the best to you.

Wait-What1327 −  100% NTA. Your boyfriend is still in a relationship with his ex. They just aren’t having s**. He will have a hard time finding a woman who would be okay with this setup. He should get back together with his ex or stay single. You made the right choice. You deserve better.

Royal_Science2973 −  Update: he told me today that I was never going to be a priority over her. I told him that I knew. He will be looking for an apartment and will be moving out. I’ll work on giving him his money. Will keep you guys updated as every transpires.

kmflushing −  NTA. Chose yourself.

Particular-Way8018 −  My theory is he wants to have the cake and eat it too. Being together with his ex means being the father figure to her other kids and be a family man. So he wants to be with you to be free from the responsibilities. You will never be an a-hole for prioritizing yourself.

WorldlinessHefty918 −  Why are you questioning yourself? I see women doing this so much and I just don’t understand it. You’re a very smart woman. You did the right thing. First of all I was divorced many many many years ago and we had three children, but I never depended on my ex-husband for anything we had a good relationship for the kids sake as far as picking them up and all that we never argued in front of them or anything but I wouldn’t ever ask for money from his girlfriend or him I had a job.

I got child support payments and remarried five years afterward. Once a divorce is finalized, it’s over. Properties are divided, schedules for seeing the kids are set, and there’s no need to rush to the aid of a former spouse. It’s not how things are done. Since she has relatives, why doesn’t she seek assistance from them?

She keeps seeking his assistance because he hasn’t established any limits, which will prevent him from maintaining a relationship with any intelligent and reasonable woman who wouldn’t tolerate such behavior, implying you’re his last priority. While his desire for his son’s well-being is understandable, it shouldn’t come at your expense. He needs to define her role as an ex-wife, not treating her as his current wife, which is unjust to you, and you acted appropriately.