AITAH for not wanting my wife and mother-in-law to keep reminding me to “keep my voice down” before every family gathering?

A user on Reddit is frustrated by the recurring admonitions from their spouse and mother-in-law to be quieter before each family get-together. These remarks, intended to prevent triggering their father-in-law’s migraines, cause them to feel isolated and unwanted, particularly given their efforts to connect with a family where they initially felt excluded. Although they appreciate the consideration, the persistent cautions before every occasion have made them anticipate family events with anxiety. Read the complete account below to determine if their reaction is excessive or if their sentiments are valid.

‘ AITAH for not wanting my wife and mother-in-law to keep reminding me to “keep my voice down” before every family gathering?’

As a 45-year-old male without any living parents, I find myself attending family get-togethers solely with my 36-year-old wife’s relatives. Initially, I frequently experienced a sense of alienation during these occasions. Her dad communicated quite clearly that he didn’t believe I measured up to his standards for his daughter. Additionally, her mom and I had a tense connection stemming from our contrasting religious views, as I identify as an atheist while she’s a committed Christian. Because of these factors, I tended to be reserved and introverted at gatherings for a long time.

Then, several years ago, the dynamic changed. During a Thanksgiving meal, I ultimately experienced a sense of familial connection. After consuming a couple of glasses of wine, I became more relaxed and joined in the festivities—sharing laughter, exchanging jokes, and interacting with everyone. It was the first instance where I departed with a sense of inclusion.

That feeling was fleeting. The same year, en route to Christmas dinner, my wife cautioned me in the car to modulate my voice, mentioning her father’s headaches. She felt I had been overly boisterous at Thanksgiving. Although I recognize that my excitement can make me louder, her remark surprised and disheartened me. Then, while we were still driving, I received a text from my mother-in-law echoing the same sentiment: “Try to be quieter this time.” It felt like they had conspired to control my actions.

They weren’t completely off-base, as I do get boisterous when thrilled. However, being told to “quiet down” for the second time in ten minutes made me feel more like an outcast than a guest. It killed the excitement I’d managed to build up with her family, and predictably, I became gloomy and distant that Christmas. I was once again experiencing the feeling of being an outsider.

Ever since then, it’s been a recurring issue. Ahead of any social event—be it at our place, a noisy eatery, or some other occasion—I receive cautions from my spouse and her mom to lower my voice. Each instance diminishes my enthusiasm for engaging. It’s difficult not to perceive it as them valuing her dad’s ease over my sense of belonging. These ongoing nudges make me feel like I bring them shame.

It’s difficult not to internalize this. I no longer require these constant prompts, as the problem is already clear to me. However, their continuous cautions only amplify the sense of separation I have from my relatives. My wife, this morning, once more told me to be quiet at this evening’s holiday meal. I’m already anticipating the message I’m sure I’ll receive from my mother-in-law sometime today. I’m finding it hard to not feel bitter, like they’ve taught me to just withdraw completely.

So… AITAH? Am I being too sensitive about a legitimate health concern for my father-in-law, or are they overstepping by handling this in a way that guarantees I’ll never feel fully comfortable around them again?

Check out how the community responded:

ELShaw1112 −  Simply tell them both that you got the message the first time and they do not need to constantly remind you. The reasoning of it is BS as if her Dad has a migraine at every get together. You are not wrong but I would suggest simply monitoring your tone and if you don’t feel like going or don’t feel welcome DON’T GO. The fact that your wife does nothing to include you is very telling as well but that’s a subject for another post.

RevolutionaryDiet686 −  Tell your wife to go on her own. Celebrate at home and be as damn loud as want.

malnek −  NTA. Why do you keep going to these things? You only live once, spend time were you feel welcome.

Low-Act8667 −  As a fellow loud talker I feel this. I have to police myself at work, in social situations, etc. It’s hard when it comes from someone else…especially when they seem to be ganging up on you. Tell your wife it hurt you. But, as an adult who is self-aware, you do have to watch yourself in the presence of others if you want to.

BlossomingPosy17 −  Info – OP, has your father-in-law ever asked you to lower your volume? Because, he’s the one with the actual medical concern that is supposedly impacted by your volume. And if he hasn’t said anything to you, I would ask him about it directly.

You’re internalizing it because it directly involves you—it’s about your level of sound. Frankly, being reprimanded as if I were a child would make me hesitant to attend future gatherings. Furthermore, I’d likely discuss the situation privately with my wife, inquiring why she felt the need to ask you to lower your voice.

Does your wife’s father express dissatisfaction with you to her? Does he voice these concerns to his spouse, who subsequently relays them to their daughter, your wife? The fact that two individuals are conveying the identical message to you in close succession strongly suggests a potential triangulation dynamic.

Carlos-Bukowski −  I’m gonna be the odd man out here. Don’t down vote me too much.. I have a brother in law like this. He can’t tell the difference between his inside voice and his outside voice. He just talks too loud. He can’t or won’t regulate his volume. Especially after he has a few drinks. Sitting next to him at dinner is almost unbearable.

I’m only capable of dealing with him for 20-minute stretches. I’ve had to remind him, “I’m standing right next to you, not far away.” I hate having to sit close to him during gatherings. It all boils down to understanding how you come across. Do you believe you speak too loudly? If a couple of people think you’re too loud, you probably are.

farsauce15 −  My wife is super loud, and I would be really mindful in how I give this type of feedback, which at this point sounds like unnecessary criticism. They need to do a better job to make you feel included or you go where you do feel included.

RegalCorgi86 −  NTA. You are not being oversensitive. Your wife’s family is being ridiculous with the constant reminders. I too am a loud person and I try my best to keep my voice down but I don’t always stick to it in the heat of the moment. However, having the same people remind you over and over isn’t helping.

TestDZnutz −  I mean there are people that get loud AF at the table. It’s gd painful to sit next to them. You can engage with people at reasonable volume? I have a cousin with this issue and it’s nothing deeper than this hurts my ears.

SignificantNumber997 −  I have a question for you. Have you had a hearing test? This is definitely a sign of hearing loss. Please get your hearing tested.