AITA for not expressing my discomfort when my partner’s ex ended up being our server at dinner?

The user finds themself in an awkward dining scenario when they and their significant other are served by the latter’s former flame. The user experiences uneasiness, exacerbated by their partner’s aloofness and failure to acknowledge them, leaving them feeling ignored. Following the meal, the user shares their feelings of unease, only to be met with the partner’s annoyance, who feels their own potential discomfort was disregarded. The user questions whether they erred in not speaking up about their discomfort during the dinner itself.

‘ AITA for not expressing my discomfort when my partner’s ex ended up being our server at dinner?’

Last night, after our Christmas gift exchange, my partner suggested we go to a popular restaurant near my house. They had previously mentioned that their ex worked there, but I trusted their judgment and didn’t think much of it.
Once we entered the restaurant, I noticed a shift in my partner’s energy. Before arriving, we’d been affectionate and joking around, but as soon as we walked in, they became quieter and avoided making eye contact with me.

They greeted their former partner, who, coincidentally, was our waiter/waitress. Throughout the service, my significant other didn’t present me to their ex. I felt excluded because their ex was very friendly and complimentary, focusing solely on my partner while standing in close proximity to me. I felt unseen and uneasy because of this.

Following our order, my significant other inquired about my well-being and offered assistance. I expressed my discomfort, yet hesitated to suggest leaving, fearing it might amplify the awkwardness. I anticipated a basic introduction, but it never materialized. Later, their former partner’s suggestion of separate checks during the meal solidified my perception that the outing didn’t resemble a date.

Following our meal, I communicated my emotions, which led to my partner’s distress. They expressed that I should have communicated my feelings sooner and not assumed they could guess my thoughts. I responded by stating that their sudden change in demeanor and absence of a proper greeting made me feel disregarded.

They stated that the encounter with their former partner took them by surprise, as they rarely think about them. Consequently, they were unprepared for the situation and hesitated to introduce me, fearing it would create an awkward moment for their ex, given that my partner was the one who ended the relationship. Nevertheless, this action made me feel concealed and as if my emotions were secondary to their ex-partner’s peace of mind.

My significant other believed I disregarded their unease and didn’t give them the chance to explain themselves. I felt my own pain was being dismissed during the discussion and that it wasn’t right for me to be the only one who felt bad, especially since I shouldn’t have been involved from the start. We concluded the conversation with them stating they required time to think things over. Am I the bad guy for not communicating what I needed sooner and allowing the situation to continue until after we had already eaten?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

out-of-spite99 −  NTA because why did he even pick there knowing she works there and then get all awkward when, uh oh, SHE WORKS THERE? I’d honestly be done after that because obviously that person still matters too much to him.

Ok-Cheetah-9125 −  NTA They deliberately took you to the place where their ex worked and then didn’t treat you like a date. Don’t let them push this on you. They wanted to show up where their ex worked with someone new but then once they did, they thought twice about it. And yes, their ex’s feelings were more important than yours.

likeeatatarbys −  NTA. This is a very typical power move. You might have been used to make the waiter jealous. As someone who’s been in this situation, no, it’s not your job to speak up and introduce yourself. If you have to go this far, that shows your partner essentially forgot about you or that you weren’t their main focus…. ON YOUR DATE NIGHT! If that doesn’t fill you with rage, than your partner g**lighting you should. I would have a conversation and let them know how you feel and how your partner ignoring you on your date is never your fault.

_abcdefeet −  he doesnt think about this ex but wanted to go there KNOWING she works there… make it make sense sweetie. NTA.

Traditional-Voice570 −  NTA. You’re not a mind reader, but your partner could’ve at least played host and said, “This is [your name].” You shouldn’t need a neon sign to feel included on a date. It’s not about their ex—it’s about common courtesy.

Super_Rule_1895 −  So you’re telling me that your SO picked a restaurant that their ex worked at and was caught off guard when the ex was there working? What a crock of BS. Your SO is an AH. Their behaviour towards you changed before they saw the ex not when they saw the ex which completely contradicts their excuse of why they treated you like a third wheel and further embarrassed you by not introducing you and not making it clear when the bill was being discussed that you were their partner.

They were afforded numerous opportunities to make amends, yet they failed to do so. What’s more, their inquiry into your well-being suggests they were aware or suspected something was amiss but still didn’t adjust their actions. Therefore, your partner is either socially inept or oblivious. You are not losing your mind; your emotions are justified. Your partner pulled a reverse card on you.

If I become upset and insulted, you will cease your inquiries and express regret for your irrational behavior. They are criticizing you for neglecting their emotions while simultaneously disregarding yours.

Imagine taking them to a place where your former partner is employed, then acting strangely and distantly, practically ignoring them. Picture yourself engrossed in conversation with your ex, neglecting to introduce your date, letting your ex assume they’re insignificant enough not to warrant an introduction as your significant other. How do you think that would make them feel? I’m willing to wager they wouldn’t appreciate it.

Putrid_Dream9755 −  NTA. How were they caught off guard when they said beforehand that the ex worked there.

RickRussellTX −  NTA. So were you the dog or the pony in this dog & pony show? My partner suggested we go to a popular restaurant near my house. They had previously mentioned that their ex worked there. In other words, it was planned. This was sheer manipulation, probably aimed at the ex, to make them jealous.

raptone50 −  NTA. Any civilized human adult should know to introduce you in that situation and to make it clear that you’re together. The fact that they didn’t do this was very disrespectful to you. I won’t guess at their motives at dinner, but their behavior afterward is clearly g**lighting. He owes you apologies for both. If you don’t hear those apologies very soon, I would seriously reconsider whether this is a relationship worth continuing.

nextCosmicBuffoon −  NTA – Your partner chose the restaurant knowing well their ex worked there, and probably knew the ex would be there tonight. Your partner claiming their discomfort was some big deal is just a way to ignore your feelings of discomfort. Sounds like your partner was using you to make the ex jealous.