How do I (32F) recover after seeing a note about how u**y and fat I am in my husband’s (34M) phone?

A 32-year-old female Reddit user is devastated after finding a message on her 34-year-old husband’s phone where he disparaged her looks, labeling her “fat” and commenting that her face “disappears in shapeless clothes” and noting a “double chin.”

Despite his considerate treatment and lack of explicit declarations, the message has engendered humiliation, anger, and uncertainty. She grapples with navigating the aftermath and recovering from the pain inflicted by his undisclosed sentiments. The complete narrative awaits your exploration below.

‘ How do I (32F) recover after seeing a note about how u**y and fat I am in my husband’s (34M) phone?’

My spouse and I were relaxing at home; he was preparing a meal as I enjoyed my book. He attends therapy for his own well-being, which I wholeheartedly support. I’m aware that he brings up our relationship in therapy, addresses delicate subjects before we have the chance to discuss them ourselves, and is making a real effort to manage challenges in a more constructive manner.

I wanted to look through his phone for some pictures he had taken of me. Usually, we have full access to each other’s phones. I saw a notes widget with my name on it and, being curious, I opened it.

This hit me hard. Although I realize this was private and he likely wrote it down as talking points for his therapy session, this is something I can’t forget. I just quietly put his phone back because I didn’t want to discover anything more.

I’m crushed, having finally understood his true feelings towards me. While our intimate life may be lacking currently, and I’m still working on regaining my fitness, that note has made me fixate on feeling unattractive and overweight. It’s constantly on my mind.

I’ve been holding back lately and I’m too ashamed, mad, degraded, and unwanted to even talk to him about it. Even if I could. He hasn’t directly told me that, and his actions don’t match what he wrote. He IS nice to me and treats me with respect. But I’m worried about what he really thinks, and his feelings about me are painful. What should I do next?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Kelkeen_1980 −  These responses are f**king garbage. Don’t look for advice on Reddit from a bunch of morons like us, book an appointment with a therapist and figure out how to move forward in a healthy manner.

HyenaOk3375 −  My heart breaks for you. That must have been really shocking and awful to read. My husband said something really foul to me a few years back. Once it’s said, it can’t be un said, or read in your case. It took a long while and some fights, eventually I got over it and moved on. But I will never forget. You have to let it out, and talk to him. Holding it in isn’t healthy for you. Maybe you can talk with a therapist as well.

gonnagetcancelled −  There’s a bit going on here.

Sometimes, individuals pen notes as a coping mechanism for their anger, expressing themselves excessively in their writing. This happens because the anger is genuine, but they don’t want to harm another person and simply need an outlet, so the writing may not even be a true reflection of their feelings.

He didn’t call you unattractive; you made that assumption. Actually, he complimented your appearance. It seems he’s annoyed because he feels you’re not making an effort (only you know if that’s true), and he’d be happy if you did. I understand that caring for a young child is demanding, which is likely why he’s not saying anything to avoid adding to your stress.

Third: You’re drawing the conclusion that you are unloved from this situation, even though nothing you’ve mentioned suggests that. Actually, I’d say you’re definitely loved, considering he’s avoiding this topic to spare your feelings. If you’re equating being seen as beautiful with being loved, then either he’s been saying some awful things, or you’re making assumptions. If it’s the former, he’s a jerk; if it’s the latter, you’re the one creating your own suffering.

It’s perfectly normal to desire physical attraction in a relationship. Even if you also felt he was overweight, I wouldn’t consider it a problem. You acknowledge wanting to lose weight, and it seems you agree with his opinions on your clothes and makeup. Therefore, his observations are accurate. If you’re unhappy, request more assistance with childcare so you can prioritize self-care.

Acquire some new garments that boost your confidence. Apply some rouge or another cosmetic (my knowledge of makeup is limited). Exercise at the fitness center. Any activity that enhances your well-being will, without a doubt, please him as he sees your happiness reflected in it.

Fifth: I am truly sorry to hear about your current low spirits. To be frank, the most beneficial course of action would be an open dialogue where both of you can share your feelings. If weight is a concern for him (or you), remember that being constantly occupied with childcare makes it difficult to make changes. Communicate your needs to him, and allow him to share his own desires and needs with you.

Find a resolution. From what you’ve written, it appears that addressing the situation would benefit your relationship more than keeping feelings bottled up. Furthermore, I believe he’s the type of person who would respond positively to such a discussion.

NYCStoryteller −  I’d have to tell him that you read this note and now you’re feeling really hurt and insecure, and see how he deals with it. What if it leads to a situation where he takes on more household/kid responsibilities so you have more time for self care? What would it take for you to get your mojo back?

The discomfort you’re experiencing may stem from a lack of self-assurance regarding your own looks. It can be a difficult but necessary conversation to have with your significant other if their self-neglect is impacting your desire for them. I realize this may not be a widely accepted view, but physical attraction is indeed important.

BadgerBaby999 −  Not advice but it just makes me angry how many men expect women to carry, birth and raise a child for them, and then feel repulsed by them when their bodies change. It can take up to SEVEN YEARS to recover from childbirth. I would probably also be too exhausted to give a s**t about putting makeup on. Baby is first priority, it’s a huge sacrifice.

_needy_ −  Why is he the only one doing therapy? I’m sure you’d benefit from it, too. As a matter of fact, ignore us all and go take your concerns to a therapist. They’re professionals and can help you navigate these negative emotions you’re experiencing.

ladyolives −  The number of people in these comments telling this woman maybe she should lose weight is appalling. You are telling her to do what this man wants under the guise of getting healthier for herself. “Do you have a medical condition that prevents you from losing weight?“ “Use this as motivation to lose weight,” like do you hear yourselves anymore?

Have men gotten us so conditioned that other women find a round about way to tell another woman to give her husband what he wants. Some of these comments even attempt to make her feel worse for putting on weight after childbirth or for not putting in enough effort to look good for him by doing her hair or putting on a little makeup.

Some of you women, damn, are even more brutal than the men when it comes to making us feel bad about our appearance. What happened to sisterhood?

Technical_Camel_3657 −  I really hate that men don’t understand what our bodies go through giving birth. It takes a year or more for our bodies to get back to normal after giving birth and he thinks you should be perfect after 2 yrs? I know that’s your husband but fck him.

AcademicBeautiful118 −  My wife gained weight after having 3 of our daughters. Even if I felt that way, I’d never say or do ANYTHING that would hurt her. She gifted me children at the expense of her body and possible health problems (gestational diabetes), and we’re together until the end.

TerrieBelle −  This is why I refuse to have children … I can’t trust a man to think of me as a equal human with inherit value when they constantly treat us like we’re disposable and useless as soon as we stop being as physically attractive as they wants us to be.

Should the Redditor address the note with her spouse, or should she disregard it and concentrate on regaining her confidence? What would be your course of action upon uncovering such a damaging revelation regarding your partner’s actual sentiments? Express your opinions in the comments section!