AITA for refusing to let my future husband lie about the house he and I purchased during his ‘groom speech’?

A woman on Reddit recounted a difficult situation: her future husband wanted to say in his wedding speech that he single-handedly purchased their house. She was taken aback by his request, considering she provided 70% of the funds for the property. He said it would make him appear more confident if he took sole credit. This disagreement escalated into a heated argument and subsequent silence between them. She asked readers to decide if she was justified in refusing his request.

‘ AITA for refusing to let my future husband lie about the house he and I purchased during his ‘groom speech’?’

My fiancé (37M) and myself (33F) became engaged a few months back. Our wedding is coming up fast, and the invites have been mailed. We’re currently ironing out the smaller elements. We’ve also been preoccupied with relocating to our new house, which we bought together (his savings contributed 30%, while mine contributed 70%). I must admit that saving for this house consumed the majority of my funds, preventing me from indulging in the activities I typically enjoy spending money on.

Yesterday, my fiancé initiated a conversation regarding the speech he intends to give at our wedding. He outlined several topics he plans to cover, but I became distressed when he inquired whether I would mind if he stated that he solely purchased our house. I was quite surprised by this suggestion, and when I asked him why he would want to say that, he responded that it would simply “boost his confidence” while speaking, nothing more.

I expressed my discomfort with the proposition, as I believe it unjust to disregard the significant sacrifices I made to acquire the house. I reiterated my contributions, but he maintained that it being our shared residence negates any concern about whether he claims sole or joint ownership.

I declined, as people would forever believe he solely purchased the home. This perception would remain unchanged despite my efforts to demonstrate my 70% contribution. He became angry, accusing me of excessive worry and exaggeration.

We had a disagreement, and he raised his voice, complaining that he was only asking for a single favor, yet I was being stubborn and unreasonable over such a minor thing. He’s now pouting and not answering my calls, essentially giving me the silent treatment until I give in. Am I the unreasonable one for standing my ground on this?

My partner, who grew up with fewer resources, has always seen money as a challenge for his family. Now, his insecurities around finances are becoming clear, particularly when he compares his earnings to mine. I’ve never diminished him, and he’s never exploited me, so his recent request was quite unexpected.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

MisanthropicEgg −  NTA and I would bet he’s been telling people that already

crockofpot −  I reminded him of how much I contributed buy said this doesn’t change that it’s our house so it shouldn’t matter to me if he said he bought it himself or we both did. Am I reading this sentence correctly, he is saying it shouldn’t matter to YOU if you both bought it? But it’s OK for it to matter to HIM so much that he’s going to announce it to both your families and your wider social circle at the wedding? Whoo, the hypocrisy…

IMO, this is a crucial battle to fight. While it might seem like “only” spoken words, the real problem is that he’s diminishing the significant role you play in your life together. Furthermore, he aims to deceive mutual friends and relatives by misrepresenting the truth.

He is maneuvering the situation so that you appear to be only after his money, while he is the one gaining from your frugality and savings. I doubt this is the only example of such blatant disrespect in your relationship.

If you decide to have children, I’m sure you’ll get to hear him complain to everyone you know about how he does sooooooooo muuuuuuuuch woooooooork as a parent (meaning: changed 1 diaper), even though you’re the one doing most of the work with the kids. If you don’t have children, I bet it will be something similar. I hope I’m wrong, and this is just a temporary phase for him. But no matter what, NTA.

[Reddit User] −  girl i HOPE you have a prenup written up for the love of god 🤨

saurellia −  This is actually a pretty big deal.

He expects you to support a falsehood that benefits him while harming you.

It’s a falsehood that will persist, except if he intends to confess the truth post-wedding, which I don’t think will happen.

It’s a falsehood that distorts the equality in your partnership. He desires to be perceived as the dominant figure rather than an equal participant. Is he willing to accept the duties of that role and allow you to use your funds as you wish, while he manages the home’s finances? Or does he expect you to keep contributing 70% of the finances while he takes acclaim for 100%?

It exposes a disturbing aspect of his perception of you and his desire to portray your relationship. He ought to feel fortunate to be married to a woman who works hard, saves money, and makes sacrifices for your shared future. Instead, he seeks to take credit for your achievements and anticipates your acceptance of any consequences on how friends and family perceive you, all to “enhance his self-esteem.”

He’s being dishonest with you. This isn’t about building his self-esteem; it’s about him asserting his dominance as the primary provider and head of the household, and he’s doing it by minimizing what you bring to the table.

His reaction makes it obvious he’s being dishonest. He dismisses it as insignificant, a minor request, yet he becomes enraged when you refuse.

Seriously, the silent treatment? Absolutely not. Think about your next actions. Not the A-hole.

[Reddit User] −  Don’t cave in, let him run the silent treatment. Also rethink about marrying this guy, he’s behaving like a child.. NTA

Ok-Ad-9401 −  NTA. But I’d think twice about marrying someone who wants to lie to your friends and family for the “confidence boost” and reacts by sulking, lashing out, and ignoring you when you won’t go along with it.

CakeEatingRabbit −  In a divorce he will tell everyone you got the house because you are a woman, lol. Ask him about how he thinks your confidence is doing by him denying you recogniction for a contribution you actually did when he wants to boost himself with something he didn’t do to even 50%?. NTA

Edit: Could it be he’s already spread this falsehood to others, perhaps his colleagues? Imagine him pretending to move on, but secretly still doing it.

Equivalent_Coffee902 −  Definetely NTA. I wonder what his reaction would be when you would have asked that haha

Some-Astronaut-6907 −  No way you’re TA. He’s being a j**k. Needing to take false credit for a confidence boost? Definitely an insight into his character that you should consider backing out over.

HereComesTheSun000 −  I had an ex with this mindset years ago. When we broke up (because he shputed at me in public and told me to be quiet in a restaurant in front of others and expected me to step back and let him speak like that ) many people cut me out and i just thought, well whatever. Move on head held high.

Years afterward, we talked, and I found out he had been telling all my friends back then that he was footing the bill for everything: every coffee, every date, every weekend trip or vacation, everything I purchased for him, he had purchased himself, and how I had gotten the birthday presents I wanted and then dumped him.

They all assumed I was covertly exploiting and sponging off him. I questioned his motives for acting this way, given that I was currently covering approximately 80% of our expenses. He justified it by saying he’s the man and couldn’t allow others to believe I was the provider and payer.

OP: He certainly avoided disclosing the actual reason for our separation. He failed to grasp the cause of my distress or its significance. My advice is to leave. Your relationship will devolve into a system of constant evaluation, filled with his dishonesty and resentment, while you are reduced to a source of financial support for his poor behavior and deception towards others.

Was the groom’s demand simply a way to feel better about himself, or did it diminish the value of what his bride-to-be brings to their partnership? What would be your approach if you found yourself in a similar circumstance where acknowledgment and praise were on the line within a relationship? I’m eager to hear your perspectives!