I (27m) found out one of the big reasons I married my wife (27f) was a lie. Should I bring it up?

A 27-year-old male on Reddit is struggling with a situation: He found out that the primary justification for marrying his 27-year-old wife—her assertion that she remained faithful while he was first deployed—was a lie. They currently have two kids together, and this information came to light by chance when their young child got into old messages on her iPad.

Though the events happened years ago and they weren’t officially dating at the time, the user feels hurt by the lie and wonders whether bringing it up would cause unnecessary conflict. Read the original story below:

‘ I (27m) found out one of the big reasons I married my wife (27f) was a lie. Should I bring it up? ‘

Upon discovering that I was to be deployed, approximately three months into our relationship, I, a 27-year-old male, presented my then-girlfriend, now my 27-year-old wife, with the choice to end things, as it wouldn’t have been equitable to her. This occurred shortly after I enlisted in the military at age 18, and we began dating—she resided near the base where I was stationed. I have now learned that a significant motivation behind our marriage was based on a falsehood.

She suggested we remain connected, which we did (we ended our romantic relationship but remained in contact). We resumed our relationship towards the conclusion of my deployment. I was aware that during the initial months of my deployment, she was likely seeing other people.

Upon my return, she assured me that she hadn’t been with anyone else in my absence, claiming she remained faithful until my return. I saw this as a significant positive sign (I realize how naive I was to believe it, especially at 18). I gave considerable weight to this positive sign when I decided to propose a few years later.

I am now happily married to her and we have two sons. Recently, our young child required a tablet for watching dancing fruit videos and similar content. We chose to utilize her old iPad, which hadn’t been in use since our relationship began. I neglected to activate guided access before putting our other son down for a nap.

Our eldest boy discovered the FaceTime function. He proceeded to video call several relatives and a few former “friends” of hers. I overheard individuals conversing with my son, so I hurried over and disconnected the call. A few of the contacts my son attempted to reach had hearts and heart eye emojis displayed next to their names, which piqued my interest, so I accessed the messages (thankfully, they didn’t answer my son’s FT attempt).

I discovered sexually explicit messages from when I was initially sent overseas. After my first deployment, she was intimate with a few men, which deeply wounded me, particularly after seeing those messages. Should I even mention this to her, considering how much time has passed?

We weren’t officially dating and she hasn’t talked to those guys since then. But,her saying she “waited for me” was a big factor into asking her to marry me a couple years later. Ik I shouldn’t have clicked those old messages, wish I never did.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

ThrowRA_boogie −  Her not getting into a relationship was her waiting for you. Don’t ruin a good thing, if it’s a good thing! She didn’t cheat because you “kept in touch” rather than dating. I would say if she is a good wife, that hasn’t cheated or done anything of the likes, don’t fret over the past.

You were 18 when you got married, and a service member might return from duty with different feelings. Speaking from personal experience, this isn’t an awful scenario for military marriages. Consider the positives that have emerged during your relationship. Prioritize those.

Edit: I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m just sharing my viewpoint on avoiding excessive worry that could ruin a good marriage. You should also erase those pictures and messages to protect your children from trauma.

Prestigious-Depth583 −  Veteran as well and I see this situation go differently a lot. You come back and they moved on, but she still thought of you after all that time and at that age?she’s a keeper. Even if she did date around. She choose you. You’re the winner. Feel like a winner.

KarenJoanneO −  I mean, ‘I waited for you’ could mean a lot of things. To me, it would have meant ‘I didn’t pursue anything seriously’ not ‘I didn’t have any fun at all’. And really, it shouldn’t have had anything to do with your decision to marry her, that’s honestly weird to me.

Independent-Land-232 −  sounds like she did wait for you. she didn’t pursue other serious relationships and she was still excited for commitment to you when you came back

NYCStoryteller −  I’m not one for sweeping things under the rug. If your marriage is as great as you say it is, you should be able to say “the kids were playing with your ipad and started chatting up your friends, and I noticed that some of those “friends” were people that you were chatting with while I was on my first deployment.

You made me believe you were single while I was away, but it’s obvious you were seeing other people. Why couldn’t you be honest and tell me you were hooking up or flirting with others? Is there anything else I should be concerned about? I require complete honesty.

In the bigger picture, you two weren’t a couple, so there was no infidelity. You were just friends keeping in contact. No promises were broken. However, you need to completely trust her. Will she erase certain people from her message history? Is she currently communicating with any of them?

N0b0dy-Imp0rtant −  If it’s something that really bothers you and is hurting your feelings then you should at least talk to her about them so she can help you work through them. Be clear this isn’t about divorce or arguing but about helping you understand and get past it. The only reason it matters is because she lied really, honesty and integrity matter especially in a marriage.

FairyCompetent −  I wouldn’t judge an adult for teenage behavior. 

Destroyer2118 −  Disagree with the comments telling you to bury your head in the sand and ignore it. Sorry, that’s not healthy. The problem with this information, and knowing she lied and hid it, is the “what else” thoughts it creates. Ok she lied and hid it back then, was it only back then? When did it stop? What else has she hid?

You have to deal with this issue, otherwise those feelings will intensify and destroy your relationship. You mention that her telling you she waited for you was significant; you need to determine how you would have reacted to this information had you known it before the wedding.

There’s a surprisingly large contingent on these subreddits who genuinely think that successfully concealing a falsehood for a significant duration somehow negates its importance. The prevailing logic seems to be that prolonged secrecy equates to automatic absolution.

They will likely try to justify their dishonesty by pointing to the positive actions they have taken since then, implying that their lie should be excused. While I don’t share this view, it’s a common one here (and unsurprisingly on the a**ltery subs), so it’s your decision. Regardless, since this troubles you, it’s important to have a conversation about it.

Maple_Mistress −  Maybe I’m in the minority here but the mistakes we make at 18 years old are meant to be learning moments that help shape the adults we become. If she has been trustworthy for the rest of this time and there are no other issues, just talk to her. Let her know what you found.

I would express to my partner that while I’m not angry, I am disappointed that they weren’t truthful and that I do forgive them for the deception. I would also convey my hope that they will feel comfortable confiding in me going forward. Furthermore, I’d want to understand the reasons behind their initial hesitation to share the truth and address those underlying issues.

InMiThroat −  My question is: were you with anyone from the time you left her to the time you got back?

Is it wise to address a past falsehood, or is it better to ignore it for the sake of the present? Could bringing it up foster recovery or simply inflict pain? How would you navigate a scenario where a core principle of your marriage was challenged? Share your opinions below!