SAHM 34 F goes back to work after 7 years. 44 M wants money back. What should she do?

A 34-year-old woman, after dedicating seven years to childcare, has re-entered the workforce and earns $48,000 annually. Her husband, who provided her with a regular stipend while she was a stay-at-home parent, now expects her to reimburse him for those funds.

She believes the request is unjust because she is in debt as a result of their agreement and wasn’t entirely in agreement with it. She’s looking for guidance on how to navigate this issue.

‘ SAHM 34 F goes back to work after 7 years. 44 M wants money back. What should she do?’

I’m a 34-year-old female who has been married to my 47-year-old husband for eight years. I became pregnant soon after our wedding. We had not established a child care strategy. Originally, he informed me that his father desired to care for the infant because he was retired and excited about developing a relationship with his grandchild.

Post Author: I soon understood that this arrangement wouldn’t be feasible after the birth of my child, due to my father-in-law’s pre-existing health issues. Upon researching local childcare options, I discovered that the expense surpassed my earnings. I proposed broadening our search to include more rural locations where childcare facilities, particularly home-based ones, offered more affordable rates.

He was completely against the idea. He was adamant that I remain at home with our child, expressing his distrust of home childcare services and refusing to consider more affordable options. I ended up staying home for approximately two years, at which point I became pregnant once more. Despite numerous disagreements, I ultimately stayed home for seven years, until our youngest was old enough to attend school.

Based on a weekly “allowance” of around $375 from my husband, I covered expenses like groceries, my gasoline, car insurance, and essentials for the kids and myself, including clothing and medical expenses. It became particularly difficult as inflation rose. Aware that my husband’s financial capacity was limited, I resorted to using my credit card.

Now I’m back at my job, earning $48,000 annually. My expenses remain the same, with rent consuming roughly 20% of my income, in addition to internet and cable costs. My husband continues to cover the majority (80%) of the rent and occasionally assists with childcare expenses. However, he now expects me to reimburse him for the financial support he’s provided me in the past.

I feel this is unjust because I’m now in debt due to our agreement, which I didn’t even want in the first place. Now he’s calling me unappreciative for mentioning that it was his choice, especially since my staying home resulted in savings. What are your thoughts? Any suggestions for me?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

goodbye-toilet-cat −  He wants you to pay him back for *partially* supporting you as the stay at home mother and wife raising his kids? While you ran up credit card debt because his “allowance” for you was inadequate? Draw up a past due invoice for the surrogacy and childbirth services , then 7 years of 24/7/365 hours of nanny (private and overnight!),

All those services like a personal tutor for the child, a private cook, a housekeeper, a counselor, a driver, a personal helper, a secretary, a sex worker, and maybe even a part-time caretaker for his sick father? Deduct the small amount he gave you as an allowance from the total cost of these services, then ask him if he would prefer to pay the bill in advance or in monthly installments. Remember to include the income you have lost as a result of providing services, including any lost contributions to retirement savings.

Double everything, since there are two children. This person despises you. At 26, you got married and unexpectedly became pregnant right away by a man over ten years your senior, who made you abandon your career for almost ten years. Was the second pregnancy also unplanned?

He has dominated you throughout the relationship and will not relinquish his control without resistance. He intends to maintain your financial instability, constant exhaustion, and overwhelming schedule, while simultaneously remaining uninvolved in childcare, ensuring you cannot rely on him with your children unsupervised and preventing you from leaving him.

How old were you both when you initially crossed paths? If I were to hazard a guess, I’d say you were no older than 22? On a side note, if you don’t already have one, consider getting an IUD. And find a skilled divorce attorney. Make sure to inform them that you’re a financially exploited spouse who was compelled to be a stay-at-home mother with rapidly occurring “unplanned” pregnancies.

WonderfulPrior381 −  Call a lawyer and send him the bill for the divorce and child support for the next 10 or so years. I can guarantee you it will be the same or more than what he gave you each week. He wanted you home so you had no money except what he gave you. Now you have a job and he still wants to control you.

Motchiko −  You do realize that you are an a**sive marriage, right? He trapped you at home, financially controlled you and now wants to trap you again with a non existent debt to make you stay.

No_Noise_5733 −  Give him an equal bill for housekeeping services, cooking services, shopping, secretarial services for apps, child care, laundry, s**ual services etc etc

BelmontIncident −  My advice is directed to him “Dude, they’re your kids too. If you’d paid for daycare, you wouldn’t be getting the money back. You didn’t make this conditional on never working again and you can’t add terms and conditions retroactively.”

DazzlingEyes8778 −  Are you married or are you just business partners?

Extension_Drummer_85 −  Bill him for all the unpaid childcare you did 

roxieh −  All of these comments suggesting you bill him back are very tongue in cheek but the reality of this is, you are married. His money is your money and vice versa. He has no claims whatsoever on you paying him back for anything, much less raising your (joint) children.  What a ridiculous notion. You don’t owe him anything. 

Ssn81 −  He’s financially abusing you. Now that you have your own money coming in; he wants to make sure you can’t save anything up by saddling you with a made up debt.