My (30F) husband (37M) are in disagreement because I denied an opportunity for one of our daughters, and he refuses to accept my reason for it. How can we resolve this?

A user on Reddit is recounting a disagreement with her spouse regarding their daughter Maria’s readiness to start pointe ballet training sooner rather than later. The husband is pushing for Maria to take advantage of the chance.

The mother is concerned about the physical risks to her daughter’s body and believes she is not yet physically mature enough for it. This disagreement has caused tension between the couple, affecting their daughters and their family dynamic. Read the original story below:

‘ My (30F) husband (37M) are in disagreement because I denied an opportunity for one of our daughters, and he refuses to accept my reason for it. How can we resolve this? ‘

My spouse and I have eight-year-old twin girls who have been studying ballet for the past four years. They both show great promise. To simplify things, I’ll refer to them as Maria and Dina. Both of them have consistently performed well. They attend an excellent institution, and I am quite proud of their achievements. I believe that ballet is beneficial for them, a sentiment shared by my husband.

Lalala: But just the other day, Maria’s instructor approached me, suggesting that Maria should commence pointe work sooner than usual and advance to a higher-level class a year ahead of schedule. Generally, at their current institution, students usually start pointe between the ages of ten and eleven, although there are instances where this isn’t the case. Maria, apparently, is one of those exceptions. I responded that I would need time to contemplate the matter.

I kept the information from the twins, sharing it only with my husband. While he viewed it as an advantageous prospect, I felt uncertain. My hesitation stemmed from my awareness of the potential impact of pointe work on the feet and skeletal structure if initiated prematurely. I communicated to my husband my intention to reject the instructor’s proposition, expressing my belief that commencing pointe at Maria’s current age would be unwise.

I wasn’t a ballet dancer in my youth, but I participated in rhythmic gymnastics, so I understand how crucial it is to look after your physical well-being, as I’m currently experiencing considerable discomfort. Maria’s physical development is also not advanced; she’s rather small, and I don’t believe it would benefit her in any way.

My spouse, conversely, was displeased by my choice. His rationale is that I’m denying Maria a chance simply because Dina was not afforded the same chance, and he insists that she should seize every opportunity presented to her. He has consistently shown favoritism towards Maria and envisions a bright future for her, believing she’s destined for stardom.

It’s not a long shot to say that Dina, a brilliant mind and graceful mover, is desirable, but that’s just the way it is. Their similar appearance fosters a rivalry, yet Dina is more laid-back. She’s more prone to unease and quickly feels burdened, whereas Maria thrives in social situations and articulates her thoughts effectively. My husband values this trait.

It irks me that he favors her, and this has given Maria a slight insecurity, though she is quite balanced. I think Maria is being given this chance because her teachers like her more than Dina. Dina’s only problem is her occasional memory lapses, which annoy her teachers.

That doesn’t affect her power or skill, and in my opinion, they’re pretty evenly matched in those areas. I’ve told my husband why I decided what I did more than once, but he’s still really bothered by it.

I usually believe that married couples should decide together, but I didn’t want my daughter to suffer lasting physical harm for a slim possibility of a pro career. It’s just not worth the risk.

My spouse has not reacted favorably. He informed Maria of my choice, and now both daughters are unhappy. Maria is irritated, believing I’m being unjust and depriving her of a chance, while Dina is distressed because she feels less capable than Maria.

Maria’s behavior has taken a turn for the worse; she now resists even straightforward requests solely to create problems, yet my husband continues to indulge her. This frustrates me, and I’ve expressed my view that his actions are juvenile and irresponsible. Despite my attempts, he won’t acknowledge the validity of my feelings.

I’ve moved to another bedroom, which is making the children unhappy, Dina in particular. However, after he intentionally caused distress to our daughters, I can’t bear to share a room with him. Now I’m dealing with their challenging behavior, and he’s not the one burdened with their care. It’s incredibly annoying.

Right now, I’m really upset because I’ve made a total disaster of things. After nine years of marriage, we’ve had our first serious argument. It’s humiliating because I should be able to handle my own disputes, but I’m at a loss.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Free_Village_4836 −  Shame on your dance school for even considering pointe for a child that young! Nowadays most schools won’t invite until 12 – and that’s only if puberty is underway and growth has occurred. IMO it’s child abuse.

tessakarle −  As a professional ballet dancer, there’s no way that the potential ‘success’ that could be gained from your daughter starting pointe at 8 years old (that your husband seems to think could come from this opportunity) would outweigh the potential risks and physical damage.

Ballet inherently carries a significant chance of injury, yet this recommendation is entirely inappropriate and poses a risk of persistent, long-term discomfort. As someone who started pointe work later than my peers because a specialized dance podiatrist hadn’t given me the go-ahead, I’m speaking from firsthand knowledge.

(something that deeply bothered me then, given my young age and the incomplete bone development in my feet), there’s no real advantage to be had in the long run by beginning pointe work sooner than others.

The girls would benefit from participating in a pre-pointe course with foot-strengthening activities for a minimum of one year before commencing pointe work to guarantee they can begin pointe work without risk. Reflecting on the girls who began pointe work before I did, none of them even came close to being a professional dancer – there was clearly no advantage to beginning pointe work earlier.

It’s obvious your spouse is completely ignorant when it comes to ballet, and I’m truly sorry he’s twisted things to create a negative situation for everyone. I understand you’ve stated that you feel this ballet school is the optimal training ground for your daughters,

I sincerely doubt that any respected ballet school that prioritizes the well-being of its dancers over the long term would advise an 8-year-old to dance en pointe.

The added strength and physical development acquired through further training in the next few years should ensure a more seamless and secure introduction to pointe work. I would not even contemplate pointe work before the age of 11 or 12, a view almost certainly shared by leading ballet schools globally.

hyperfixmum −  I am upset for you at your husband. I don’t know why he told Maria and Dina and caused unnecessary division between your children. If you were going to tell them because their ballet instructors might eventually tell them, the whole family should have sat down together.

I practiced ballet until I was 23 years old. I’m uneasy about the instructor’s desire to have an 8-year-old dance en pointe; I was shocked when I read that. If my daughters were in that class, I would seriously consider switching them to a different school because it would reveal a lot about the studio’s approach to ballet.

No doubt, the shift would be gradual. I’m confident they have social connections. If Maria demonstrates talent early, I’d suggest supplementary education or diversified training at specialized camps focusing on flexibility, aerial skills, etc.

It’s crucial to keep in mind that dance studios ultimately aim for long-term enrollment and are, at their core, businesses. As such, they benefit from praising young dancers and encouraging them to register for additional classes, audition for competitive teams, and so on.

It definitely touches on vanity too. Does having a lovely, youthful dancer who has mastered the technique reflect positively on the studio’s image? Does the idea that we have an extraordinary, gifted child appeal to our parental pride? You are making a smart decision by shielding her from the difficulties this choice entails.

It might not be ideal for her future as a dancer or athlete. Furthermore, I’m uncertain whether her emotional development is on par with other students, and I don’t believe she should be rushed into handling the heightened scrutiny and critiques from teachers or being compared to older girls.

I’m unsure how to advise you in getting your husband to understand. I seriously think the two of you should view some videos, podcasts, or listen to audiobooks regarding twins. It’s vital that they develop individual identities and understand how to handle rivalry and comparisons. What are your ultimate objectives?

A family that is healthy and tranquil, where enduring bonds are cultivated and last into adulthood, and where each member possesses a robust sense of identity and self-assurance. Your spouse should begin spending individual time with each twin on a weekly basis to better understand and appreciate their unique qualities.

Each of them has an attractive personality. A strategy is needed to correct this issue and steer things in a better direction. It seems that if your spouse were more impartial and fair, you wouldn’t feel the need to go overboard in protecting and making sure Dina is alright. Both of them will pick up on that.

OkPhilosopher1313 −  You have a really big issue with your husband.. He is creating a very damaging and toxic dynamic between your children. This is going to cause trauma and severe self-esteem issues for Dina, and golden children (like he is treating Maria) barely do well in life either as they learn very problematic social skills.

Furthermore, he’s weaponizing your children against you, heedless of the harm it inflicts on them. If you’re not currently employed, seek work to achieve some financial autonomy from your spouse.

You should seriously consider persuading your husband to participate in both couples and family therapy to address these problems. However, I have a feeling that he may lack the emotional awareness to ever recognize or accept that his actions are causing issues.

plastic_venus −  In relation to the dance issue I’d suggest showing him medical evidence of your concerns about her health should she start early (assuming they’re accurate – I know nothing about ballet).

That won’t change the reality that he’s prepared to exploit the kids (and cause them pain) to push you around and coerce you into complying with his desires. I’m also curious about the implication of “he’s not the one looking after them.” Does he have no part in their upbringing?

Piano-mom −  As a mother of a child who dances, yes, kids can absolutely develop problems if they start pointe too early. They have to be physically developed enough plus have strong enough technique that they are less likely to injure themselves. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting another year to make sure your child is strong enough to handle it.

I must say, your statement regarding the teachers’ potential bias toward one of your daughters troubles me. Educators are equipped to perceive aspects you might overlook. Furthermore, it’s perfectly normal for siblings to progress at varying speeds.

Your husband’s decision to inform your children about the issue is a manipulative and unacceptable action. It is crucial that you both engage in a significant conversation regarding this matter and perhaps seek therapy to develop improved methods for managing disagreements.

yjskfjksjfkdjjd −  I think you have a bigger problem on your hands than you’re currently addressing. Your husband’s favouritism of Maria is only going to make her worse as she ages, and he’s already weaponising her against you when he disagrees with you.

You’re correct that dancing en pointe can be painful for their feet, but clearly Maria lacks the maturity to grasp the potential long-term consequences and is simply disappointed at being refused a chance she would relish. Simultaneously, this has further solidified Dina’s belief that she is inferior and of less value than Maria.

This situation warrants extensive couples therapy, at the very least. However, I would have ended the relationship solely based on your husband’s bias, and it’s clear that the situation has gone far beyond that.

You’re working diligently to shield one daughter’s feet from harm, but aren’t adequately safeguarding both daughters’ enduring psychological health.

Sea-Promotion-8309 −  Multiple issues tangled up here. Getting the obvious out of the way:. 1. Pointe at 8 is insane. 2. Your husband going behind your back to tell the girls is a d**k move.

That being said, you should reconsider how you approach providing equitable opportunities for both. They are unique individuals, and eventually, one might merit an opportunity that the other has not genuinely earned.

They won’t all possess the same level of skill in every area. The competitive aspect and preventing Dina from feeling inadequate are issues you’ll have to figure out how to navigate. If it were a chance more suitable for her age, like a solo performance, would you have allowed her to participate?

Saarman82 −  Wait, you show him scientific studies about the dangers of starting this too early, he doesn’t care. He tells your daughters the story, AGAINST YOUR WISHES, causing all sort of family strife, he doesn’t care. He is alienating one of his TWIN daughters, he doesn’t care.

I struggle to understand your reasons for remaining with him. Your husband gives off the impression of an overly ambitious stage parent. His enthusiasm seems to stem more from the status gained by his daughter’s early achievements than from concern for any potential physical harm she might face.

Dear_Parsnip_6802 −  Have you considered getting a professional opinion from a sport physiotherapist or similar professional. Take Maria along and get advice.

My twin nieces were assessed by a physiotherapist, who determined that one of them lacked sufficient strength in her feet and legs, hindering her progress compared to her sister. I believe that a qualified expert, rather than a dance instructor, should evaluate each child prior to pointe work.

Was the choice the mother made the correct one for Maria’s well-being, or is the chance too significant to pass up? What steps can the pair take to settle their dispute while minimizing the damage to their girls? Post your opinions and recommendations in the comments!