AITA for calling off my wedding until my in-laws stop fighting ?
A bride-to-be on Reddit recounts how her wedding preparations devolved into pandemonium due to growing conflict between her parents and her fiancé’s parents regarding financial input and what mattered most for the wedding. Following a series of cutting comments and passive-aggressive social media posts from each family, she chose to delay the wedding in hopes of a more peaceful environment, announcing her decision on Facebook. She is now dealing with negative reactions from all parties involved. The complete account is available below.
‘ AITA for calling off my wedding until my in-laws stop fighting ?’
I’m a 22-year-old female, and my 26-year-old fiancé and I planned our wedding for October of the following year. We shared the news three months prior at a family barbecue, and everyone appeared enthusiastic. Having been engaged for just over a year, we aimed to announce the date well in advance of sending invitations, allowing everyone ample time to prepare.
We initially intended to fund our wedding by setting aside $500 monthly for a year. Since we’re holding the ceremony in our family’s modest church in a small town, the $6,000 we’ll have saved should easily cover all expenses.
Following the announcement, my parents, who are the bride’s parents, contributed a substantial $2,000 to the wedding fund. Both my parents and my partner’s parents have similar financial means. To make this donation, my parents chose to forgo their annual spring break vacation.
My spouse’s mother found out about the contribution. (We acknowledged my parents’ generosity publicly, but kept the figure private.) At the following family get-together, she questioned my parents about it, discovering the sum and the details of how they managed to donate that much.
Prior to my approach, there was some chatter, but this is what I overheard my mother-in-law saying to my fiancé: “Don’t fret, I’ll cover the cost of your subsequent one.” (My mother-in-law has never been fond of me, claiming I’m theatrical, which is likely accurate.) My fiancé sternly instructed her to be quiet. My parents also appeared to be infuriated.
My mother voiced her opinion that it seemed unjust that the bride’s family (a small group of 6) contributed more than my family (a group of 20). I pointed out that my family is smaller due to the passing of my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I expressed my gratitude for their contribution but clarified that my mother-in-law’s family wasn’t required to donate.
UghFineWhatever: My mother-in-law retorted sharply, “I’m not cancelling my holiday simply because you two are short on funds.” This angered me, and I reiterated that I do not need any financial assistance from her. In mid-April, my MIL announced on Facebook her last-minute 5-day trip to New York with other relatives from my fiancé’s family.
They were quite upset, feeling that if they could afford an unexpected trip, they should contribute to the wedding expenses. I suspect they made the vacation seem grander to provoke a reaction, and I somewhat sympathize with their perspective. Ultimately, however, it’s their own money to do with as they please.
It’s now May, and relatives from both sides are posting provocative messages on Facebook, sending rude comments, and some aren’t even communicating with each other. I announced on Facebook that we’re postponing the wedding for the time being.
I announced, “Our wedding in October is off. Our priority is to get married surrounded by a supportive and loving family, something we haven’t had lately. We’ll reschedule the wedding when the time is right.” I tagged everyone in the post, and now they’re all furious with me. I attempted to avoid conflict, but honestly, what the heck? Am I the bad guy? What should I do now?
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
SnooRadishes8848 − Elope
YarrowPie − Unfortunately putting the wedding off just multiplied the drama. Do you really think they are all going to behave more in a year? That any of these adults are going to start acting like adults anytime soon? You just signed yourself up to do this all over again. you are NTA.
The parents are behaving terribly. However, canceling the wedding was not productive. I think eloping would be ideal. They’re already angry, anyway, lol. These individuals need to understand the importance of establishing appropriate boundaries.
[Reddit User] − Refund your parents. Elope. The hell with both sets of parents, they are behaving appallingly.
KikiMadeCrazy − ESH. They are very juvenile. And so was your post. You could have just told them privately without the limelight of social media. I am sure not everybody is talking about it and making it even bigger. You are all so dramatic I love it. Hope pop corn is served on the day.
soxfan581 − ESH. The parents need to grow up this isn’t a competition, but you ‘canceling’ the wedding is just adding fuel to the fire and forcing both sides to dig in their heels and blame the other side and tbh it only hurts you and your fiance.
Someone needs to be the bigger person here. I recommend you speak with your family, and your fiancé speak with theirs. If that doesn’t work, just run off and get married somewhere; that will ensure the attention remains on you both, where it belongs.
SpeechIll6025 − YTA. You would not be the a**hole for just deciding to postpone. But the way you did it? Dramatically tagging everyone on social media? I’m embarrassed for you. And really you just proved future MIL right that you’re overly dramatic.
Nobody is obligated to provide financial assistance for your wedding. Full stop. Your in-laws could spend their money however they choose, and it’s none of your concern. The fact that you permitted your parents to berate them over this is appalling.
RoyallyOakie − ESH….I’d give your parents the money back, then go to city hall. If you know you’re dramatic, now’s a good time to cut back on that.
Kami_Sang − YTA and so are your parents. Your MIL is an A for her remark about paying for the next one. However, no one owes you money for your wedding, no one has to match your parents’ donation, people are e**itled to use their own money on their own entertainment rather than pay for grown kid’s wedding.
The real problem lies with your parents, who believe their financial contribution necessitates an equal contribution from your future in-laws. Who appointed your parents as the arbiters of other people’s finances and the appropriate amount for the in-laws to give?
Fearless_Spring5611 − ESH. Do you want to be married, or have a nice big event where the attention is all on you?
Errvalunia − Your parents are getting AH by demanding the other family chip in. It’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and if they are resentful for what they had to sacrifice then that is between you and them (did you demand/apply pressure/try to guilt them into it etc). It has nothing to do with your in laws.
Provided they opted to give a lavish present, they have no right to be offended by your in-laws. “Family, your monetary wedding gift was incredibly kind, and I appreciate that you chose to forgo a vacation to provide it. It was very meaningful to me, especially knowing the significance of that money to you.
Your present is unrelated to my partner’s family, and it doesn’t create any obligation for them to contribute financially. This is OUR wedding, and we’re prepared to cover all expenses within our budget. We appreciate any contributions towards the wedding costs, but our main goal is to host a celebration we can comfortably afford, without DEPENDING on or REQUIRING financial assistance from our families.
If your present stemmed solely from a sense of DUTY, and you’re now bothered that my future in-laws haven’t given anything since it’s not mandatory, I’m glad to give it back. I believed it was a genuine present, not fulfilling a requirement, but inform me if your perspective differs.
Was she justified in postponing the wedding to resolve family issues, or should she have addressed the situation in another way? What are your approaches to dealing with family conflicts similar to this? Please share your opinions in the comments!
