AITAH for going through the motions after my post partum wife told me she doesn’t find me attractive anymore?
Following the arrival of their baby, a Reddit user shares their difficulty after their wife admitted that she was no longer drawn to him. Despite their six-year relationship, the hurtful remark resonated deeply and persisted in the user’s thoughts, even as his wife sought help for postpartum depression.
Even though she’s tried to make amends and rebuild their connection, the Redditor still feels distant and like he’s just going through the motions in his marriage. He questions whether he’s wrong for not being intimate and wanting to postpone reevaluating their relationship until their child is older. To fully grasp the nuances of their situation, read the original story provided.
‘ AITAH for going through the motions after my post partum wife told me she doesn’t find me attractive anymore?’
Having been a couple for six years, my spouse and I have been married for two. Several months ago, my wife delivered our baby. Although it was a happy time, my wife experienced some hardship. I attempted to be supportive; however, my wife continued to be hostile toward me, eventually confessing that she was no longer attracted to me.
That cut deep and really hurt. My wife appeared to recognize the impact of what she’d said, quickly saying sorry and even shedding tears. Soon after, we saw a doctor, who prescribed her medication for postpartum depression. The medication had an almost immediate positive impact, noticeably improving her mood soon after she began taking it.
But the things my wife told me are forever etched in my mind, and I’m simply existing day to day. I’m functioning mechanically, assisting with the child to the best of my ability, yet I feel no attraction to my wife despite her advances.
She has expressed remorse repeatedly, feels responsible, and I have reassured her of my understanding. However, I prefer to postpone any decisions until our child reaches eighteen months and our lives are more settled; at that point, I will consider how to proceed. Am I the Asshole?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
DietAny5009 − You shouldn’t tell her it’s ok when it’s not. It’s not your job to make her feel less guilty after damaging your self worth and trust in her as a partner. You don’t need to punish her, but you do not need to tell her it’s ok. I’m sure one comment sticks out but her repeatedly lashing out over and over is what made it feel true and hurt you.
You aren’t obligated to be intimate with her, and you should explain your current disinterest. While you could delay and re-evaluate in the future, acting as if everything is fine while secretly harboring resentment will destroy your marriage.
You have the option to select that course of action, but the alternative is to express how you genuinely feel and not act as if her behavior hasn’t profoundly wounded you. She must be held accountable, articulate her genuine emotions, and elucidate the reasons that led her to the point where she was holding you responsible for her negative feelings.
She requires a comprehensive strategy that involves counseling in addition to medication for her challenges. It’s crucial not to underestimate her postpartum depression and blindly assume the medication is effective. I recently encountered a narrative about a family’s experience with PPD, where they heavily relied on prescriptions from various healthcare providers. Tragically, the mother strangled her three children and attempted suicide. Acquaintances and companions noted that she merely appeared to be an exhausted mother.
cryssylee90 − NTA but you two really need to communicate. PPD is an absolute b**ch, plain and simple. That’s not an *excuse*, I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel the way you feel, but with PPD you’re not in your proper state of mind. And it’s not always going to present in the sad, crying, potentially suicidal type of way.
I felt overwhelming anger towards everyone but my child after the births of my first two children. My emotions were heightened, and my behavior sometimes reflected that. Holding onto this anger and bitterness instead of expressing it openly won’t improve the situation. It will only delay the eventual breakdown of your relationship.
If action is desired, it must be taken immediately. Conversely, if termination is the objective, there’s no justification for remaining in an undesirable position, especially with the foreknowledge of an impending departure.
GlobalTraveler65 − Just tell her the truth. Don’t say “everything is ok” if it isn’t. That will just build resentment for you. PPD is really awful, so please take that into account.
SLZicki − NTA. Those are some cut throat words and I can understand why you are reconsidering things. I love how people just think you can forget what was said because she was sick. I’m glad she’s better but the only way to get through all this is to go to couples therapy.
Leek-Middle − PPD is crazy. It may be that your wife didn’t find ANYONE or anything sexually attractive, not even herself, after giving birth and ‘struggling a bit’ whilst doing so? Your NTA for feeling rejected, YWBTA if you don’t address your feelings without laying blame on her.
Possibly, alongside your wife’s postpartum depression medication, some couples therapy could aid in mutual understanding of each other’s emotional states. Becoming a father is a significant change, and also dealing with your wife’s PPD adds to the stress! It could be influencing your response to your wife’s comment. Congratulations on the new arrival, and I hope you find fortune, well-being, and joy.
lux_roth_chop − It’s clear that what she said was deliberately damaging. It was intended to be. She was angry and hateful and being depressed doesn’t excuse it.
Here’s your problem: while she’s apologised, she hasn’t repaired the damage she caused.
The apology doesn’t cut it; you both need to address the emotions stirred up by this, as a united front tackling the issue, not you alone. She must confront the full extent of what transpired and grasp the depth of the hurt it inflicted upon you. The relationship cannot heal until she acknowledges this and navigates the sense of loss and vulnerability you’re currently experiencing.
Katricat − NTA. PPD doesn’t excuse her behavior, but it does explain it. I don’t think you’re wrong at all, as hearing that from your partner would be soul crushing to most people. I only know the basics of the illness but I know it can cause a mother to kill her baby, herself, or others. I don’t think it’s much of a stretch that it could cause her to say something hateful.
I’ve come across some pretty disturbing stories about mothers, which is quite disheartening. In my opinion, it’s worthwhile to try and resolve things with your wife, particularly if she has made efforts to seek reconciliation and her behavior is typically not like this. Take your time, but don’t completely dismiss her. However, I believe this issue is beyond what Reddit can handle. Seeking guidance from a therapist or marriage counselor would be a more effective approach than relying on advice from Redditors.
Br4z3nBu77 − Some bells can’t be unrung, some things can’t be unsaid.. Yes she was in the throws of PPD. You are not an a**hole for going through the motions, you are an a**hole if you are willing to throw away an otherwise good marriage because of it. I have 8 kids, all single birth, you had better believe that my wife has said some horrific things to me before when she has had PPD.
Things that I will never be able to forget. Yes they hurt, yes she has apologized profusely for them and has demonstrated day in and day out that she doesn’t believe them.
I totally get where you are coming from but don’t be a shmuk and turn away a good thing.
It’s inevitable that in a marriage that lasts for years, hurtful words will be exchanged at times. Similarly, as a parent, your child will inevitably say awful things to you. It’s simply a fact of life, but you will also find the capacity to forgive. Updateme!
Proof_War_6609 − How can people be saying your the a**hole I don’t understand
Previous-Broccoli-88 − Crazy you’re being called the AH here. If you were the one that told you’re wife you weren’t attracted to her, all medical diagnose and mental stuff be damned, you’d still be the villain. NTA, I doubt she meant it, women just say s**t sometimes. But feeling the way you do is understandable.
Is the Redditor right to take a break to sort through his emotions following his wife’s cutting remark, or is he harming the relationship by becoming emotionally unavailable? What strategies would you use to maintain closeness and intimacy in a marriage facing postpartum difficulties? Let us know what you think!
