AITAH for choosing to do IVF as a single woman despite my friend saying it’s “unfair” to the child?

Following the end of a prior relationship, a user on Reddit detailed her path to becoming a mother by choosing to undergo IVF as a single individual. Despite feeling financially stable and prepared for this new chapter, the user’s closest friend, Megan, voiced reservations regarding the choice, deeming it “unjust” to the child because they would be raised in the absence of a father.

The dispute caused the Redditor emotional pain and made them wonder if they had been too hasty in rejecting their friend’s worries. Read the original story below to understand the dynamics at play in this scenario.

‘ AITAH for choosing to do IVF as a single woman despite my friend saying it’s “unfair” to the child?’

I’ve (32F) always dreamed of motherhood, and following the end of my last committed relationship, I chose to pursue IVF to become a solo parent. I have a reliable career, a strong network of support, and I’m in a comfortable financial situation, so I believed I was prepared to move forward. My closest friend, Megan (31F), has generally been very encouraging, but her response to my IVF decision was… less than positive.

Megan expressed her “concern” regarding my decision to have a child without a father present, deeming it “unfair” to the baby. She stated that growing up as a Black child in our society would already be “hard enough” (I am Black, Megan is White), and being raised by a single mother would only exacerbate the challenges.

She went on to accuse me of prioritizing my personal ambition to become a parent above the “ideal” upbringing for a child – namely, being raised by a mother and a father. I was floored because I had always considered Megan to be progressive and accepting.

I reminded her that plenty of kids are raised by single moms and do just fine, and that I’m more than capable of providing a loving, stable home. But she doubled down, saying it wasn’t just about money—it’s about “family structure” and “setting a kid up for success.” It really hurt to hear her say these things, especially because I thought she’d be happy for me.

I’ve had little contact with her since our disagreement, and now I’m second-guessing whether I overreacted by dismissing her worries without much thought. Other friends believe she had my best interests at heart, but I perceived her as being critical and overstepping. AITAH for proceeding with IVF, despite my friend’s opposition, and for not giving her concerns more consideration?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

floofnstoof −  If she’s always been a good friend to you, I’d give her the benefit of doubt. Best friends are sometimes the only people who care enough to bring up concerns you dont necessarily want to hear when you’re looking for validation and support .

This could be something she truly has faith in, and she might really be worried about you and the prospective child. Naturally, that doesn’t make her correct, or mean you should drop the idea. A real friend will voice their misgivings but in the end be supportive, so maybe she’ll change her mind.

UnluckyCountry2784 −  This is a legit question. But if people wants to have kids as a single, what are the plans like just in case you get sick or die? Does the immediate family welcome the possibility of being the guardian and support the kid?

Alarming_Paper_8357 −  She’s your best friend, right? Don’t you expect her to be honest with you regarding her views and concerns or do you consider friendship a constant stream of blowing smoke up each other’s a\*\* to support whatever idea is under consideration?

Because of her affection for you, she is pointing out possible oversights in your emotionally driven choice. Her differing view does not preclude her support.

Her viewpoint is inconsequential and shouldn’t sway you if you’re truly committed. However, it’s insincere to angrily disregard her simply because she didn’t become an enthusiastic cheerleader for your baby announcement.

DouglaChile −  My take on this is that you both have valid viewpoints so no one is an AH. However, if you want to keep your friendship, you should decide what you expect from each other moving forward.

There’s also a group of adults born from donor parents who are trying to highlight the difficulties they’ve experienced. I suggest you look into the potential challenges for the child.

LesbiansonNeptune −  As if having both parents means that child is going to be equally parented by both ☠️☠️ isn’t it statistically proven that more women typically do all the child rearing even if they work? What kind of a friend says this instead of supporting you?

Her concerns regarding your child’s ethnicity are completely unrelated to your status as a single parent. I also have no desire for marriage or a partner, and I’m pursuing a similar path. I’m behind you all the way! End your friendship and focus on creating your family; you’ll find immense happiness, and I wish you the very best!

lapsteelguitar −  My only question is, do you know what you are getting into as a single mom? Talk to a few single moms first. Once you are clear on the idea, then make your decision. Otherwise, your friend is trying to be helpful, but really doesn’t seem to know what she is talking about.. NTA

15021993 −  Sometimes friends say the negative things because nobody else will. Doesn’t mean she’s judgmental, she’s giving you food for thought here. And I say this just because she’s your best friend, so I assume she’s a good one.

Parenting presents considerable difficulties. How does one cope with postpartum depression or personal illness? What course of action is appropriate when a child inquires about their origins and expresses a desire to identify the sperm donor? What are the implications of unemployment?

There are quite a few people raising children alone. Although most didn’t plan it that way. While you appear prepared and capable of succeeding on your own, and will undoubtedly give it your all, it’s still wise to consider potential difficulties or negative scenarios that could arise.

dibbiluncan −  As a single mother with no involvement from my “sperm donor” (in my case, I was SA and kept the baby)… I really wouldn’t recommend it. I’m an English teacher, so not a high salary but it’s decent. Good benefits. Excellent work-life balance. I thought I had a good support system, but it failed me. Never count on that.

Navi:

It’s tough to be pregnant without support. Before pregnancy, I was healthy, but I developed Hyperemesis Gravidarum. For the first 22 weeks, I threw up constantly and couldn’t keep any food down. I lived on meal replacement shakes, electrolyte drinks, plain bread, and sometimes chicken noodle soup.

I required three IV fluid infusions and would have been admitted to the hospital were it not for Zofran, an antiemetic medication originally developed for individuals undergoing cancer treatment. This is merely one example of potential complications. You might face job loss due to pregnancy-related health issues, or even experience a life-threatening situation.

2.) Your body undergoes further strain during childbirth. I required an emergency C-section. In the months following delivery, I experienced postpartum depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome.

3.) Sleep loss is definitely a thing in the early months. While you mention having support, does that translate to someone actually assisting with nighttime feeds, diaper changes, and so on? Or someone who enables you to grab a nap or shower during the day? And I’m not talking about a favor here and there. If you’re mostly on your own during your leave, it’s going to be incredibly tough. It’s going to be hard regardless, but doing it solo is next to impossible.

4.) Your physique is permanently altered. I was quite fortunate, escaping stretch marks or drooping skin. However, I’ve developed a slight pelvic organ prolapse, my nipples are permanently bigger from nursing, and I have a small tummy bulge, particularly when bloated (I’m trying to fix this; it’s difficult, but achievable). Other women experience much more significant changes.

It can make you look older, particularly if you are breastfeeding. You deplete your collagen levels. You will experience hair loss. Your skin will become dehydrated.

6.) You’ll experience unparalleled affection, alongside unparalleled trepidation. It’s a never-ending cycle of worry and strain. I’ve been suffering from a persistent tension headache for the past four years.

Could you manage to pay for both daycare and a caregiver for sick children? I’ve already exhausted my paid time off for the year since I had to be the one to look after my daughter when she contracted pneumonia.

8.) Are you considering re-entering the dating scene? For me, it was something I actively pursued. My motivation was to find a father figure for my daughter. I apologize, but your acquaintance is correct; studies indicate that children from single-parent households often face challenges. I’ve since found a wonderful partner who intends to marry me and adopt her, though the search was difficult.

There’s a stigma against single mothers—no one will wait to hear your context. They’ll just judge you and count you out. Look, I get it. I always wanted to be a mother too. I found myself single at 32 as well, and part of me accepted that it would never happen for me.

I despise the circumstances surrounding my daughter’s conception, yet I wouldn’t alter anything because my love for her is immense. Regardless, I would strongly advise against anyone deliberately placing themselves in my situation, irrespective of how favorable they perceive their circumstances to be. This is particularly true when one still has a significant amount of time to find a partner and conceive naturally.

Don’t lose hope in your search for a partner to build a family with. Re-enter the dating scene, express what you’re looking for, and exercise patience. Time is still on your side. While you’re not the AH for thinking about this, it’s not a smart move. Your friend has a point, but her delivery was off.

Pro_Crastinators −  NTA but her concerns aren’t entirely unfounded like should something happen to you, you get sick, lose your job, the type of care if you’re not able to be there, etc. Plenty of kids grow up in healthy non-traditional households without a father figure, in queer families, single-parent, etc.

BlueGreen_1956 −  YTA. The children of single mothers are at EVERY statistical disadvantage. “I reminded her that plenty of kids are raised by single moms and do just fine, and that I’m more than capable of providing a loving, stable home.” EVERY single mother believes they will be the exception. And yes, I am quite happy to take all the downvotes from the Reddit brigade who cannot handle factual information.

Is the person on Reddit right to seek in vitro fertilization as a solo parent, or are her friend’s worries about family dynamics valid? What would you do if a friend didn’t agree with a big decision you were making in your life? Tell us what you think!