AITAH for reporting my coworker to HR after he kept calling me names and mocking my appearance?
A 28-year-old female Reddit user is annoyed by a 53-year-old male colleague who consistently made impolite, fat-shaming remarks regarding her size, disguising them as humorous. Following the increasing frequency of these comments, which culminated in a team meeting, she directly addressed him and subsequently lodged an official grievance with Human Resources.
Currently, she is being ostracized by colleagues who believe her response was excessive. The user is questioning whether her decision to report the incident was warranted or if it led to needless conflict. The full account is provided below.
‘ AITAH for reporting my coworker to HR after he kept calling me names and mocking my appearance?’
I (28F) am employed in a workplace where men are the majority, and I have consistently made an effort to maintain a professional demeanor and avoid attracting attention. However, there is a particular colleague, “John” (53M), who consistently targets me with offensive remarks, which he invariably presents as “jokes.”
Initially, it was hardly noticeable. He would make remarks such as, “Be careful, the wind might carry you away!” or, “Have a bite to eat; we don’t want you passing out!” I am naturally thin, and I’ve always had to deal with remarks regarding my weight, so I dismissed them.
He then went further, using names like “Stick” or “Twig” when others were around. One time, he kept making remarks about the salad I had brought for lunch. Things reached a head during a team meeting when he said something like, “Let’s avoid giving [my name] any difficult tasks—she might break!”
I had to endure this in the presence of both our supervisor and a customer. I was deeply embarrassed, but I kept quiet at the time because I was afraid of appearing overly sensitive or unprofessional. Later, I spoke to John privately and informed him that his remarks regarding my physical appearance were unsuitable and unsettling to me.
He chuckled dismissively, commenting, “Goodness, lighten up a bit. It was merely a jest—you’re so easily offended; it’s no surprise others struggle to collaborate with you.” The following day, I proceeded to Human Resources and lodged an official grievance. Currently, John hardly recognizes my existence, and a segment of my colleagues are displaying a frosty demeanor in my direction.
Someone even commented, “Couldn’t you just laugh it off? Now you’ve made it uncomfortable for everyone.” I’m not trying to start problems, but I also don’t think I should have to be publicly ridiculed about how I look while I’m at work. Am I being too sensitive? Am I the bad guy?
See what others had to share with OP:
Lucy7892 − NTAH, those « jokes » aren’t funny, I think he is just trying to humiliate you and to cover it up by saying that he is joking. People like John and your coworkers are dumb for not seeing how inappropriate and mean this is
NefariousnessFresh24 − NTA – but your coworkers are. John for making all of these stupid “jokes” and the others for not telling him to STFU. Any chance that you can find a new job in a better work environment?
deathboyuk − If the other colleagues treat you badly for this, report them too. This is workplace b**lying and f**k them for being bullies.. NTA
CycloCyanide − I’de go as far as reporting the other guy 2 that made a comment about you not being able to take a joke.
Astyryx − He’s a Schrodinger’s A**hole: it’s a joke if you’re offended. You should have gone to HR earlier, go now and establish a pattern of harassment and retaliation relating to your appearance. Also document, document, document. As to coworkers, “I prefer to keep things professional at work.”
Equal-Brilliant2640 − Ask them “I don’t get the joke, can you explain it to me?” “How is b**lying me funny? I’d really like to know”. Make them uncomfortable. Don’t let it go. Every time they bring it up ask them “can you explain the joke to me? I want to laugh too”.
They will try to brush it off with vague excuses, but you should insist on a clear explanation. They are aware of their behavior, but will continue to act like the injured party. Additionally, inform HR that others are also contributing to the harassment by criticizing you for “not having a sense of humor.”
YuansMoon − NTA: you tried to ignore it initially, then address it directly at the lowest level possible with him, and then you escalated. In my organization, I would have advised going to your supervisor before HR but maybe that’s different in your organization.
TurtleToast2 − NTA but HR never makes anything better. I prefer to turn the tables and make the AH uncomfortable instead. I’m also very thin and have heard all the eat-a-sandwich jokes there are. I used to just take it but I got bolder as I got older.
Some of the responses I enjoy using these days include things like “I wish I could consume more, but cancer has significantly reduced my intestinal capacity,” or “I understand you might have a feeder fetish, but I’m not into that,” and of course, the timeless “I had a sandwich, but your overweight mother took it from me.” It’s helpful to know the person when trying to personalize the response.
If he’s not tall, overweight, losing his hair, been through a divorce, struggles with alcohol, or anything similar, zero in on it since it’s likely a sensitive issue. Trust me, once you’ve identified that soft spot, keep at it. Either they’ll quit hassling you, or they’ll become so agitated that *they* will be the ones complaining to HR, at which point you can reply with “you created such an uncomfortable atmosphere; I suppose you can’t handle a bit of humor.”
kalas_malarious − He said something in front of your boss and clients, and your boss did not slap him down after? Your boss needs some new training or to be let go.. NTA
throwaway1975764 − Straight back to HR! Send an email: *I’m not sure what was said to John or anyone else but I am now being excluded by other staff members. I have been harassed by [name(s)] and told [insert quotes].
This is undeniably a *hostile work environment*, and if internal solutions are unattainable, I will be left with no option other than to seek *outside counsel*. It is important to note that the role of HR is to safeguard the company, and the terms *excluded* and *harassed*, as well as *hostile work environment*, constitute legal warning signs.
Was the user right to complain, or was their reaction to innocent “jokes” excessive? What would be your course of action if you faced a similar scenario at work? Let us know what you think!
