AITA For refusing to go to my brother’s wedding if he keeps my ex-husband as a groomsman?

A woman on Reddit expresses her annoyance upon discovering that her brother intends to have her former spouse participate in his wedding as part of the wedding attendants. Although the pair had a destructive relationship in the past and have not spoken to each other in half a decade, her brother is insistent on having her ex as one of his groomsmen. The user is now unsure whether to go to the wedding or protect her personal limits. The complete narrative is provided further down.

‘ AITA For refusing to go to my brother’s wedding if he keeps my ex-husband as a groomsman?’

My 29-year-old brother proposed to his 28-year-old girlfriend this past summer. Their wedding is planned for next spring or early summer. They’ve been assembling their wedding party, and a couple of weeks ago, they video-chatted with me, a 32-year-old female, to ask if I would be a bridesmaid.

I of course agreed because I love them both and I am very happy for them. However, during the call, and after I had already agreed to be a bridesmaid, my brother dropped a bomb on me.

He mentioned he’s hoping this doesn’t create problems, but he wants to invite my former husband (30M) to be a groomsman. My first response was pretty negative; I essentially reacted with, “Seriously? Why? What the heck? Are you kidding me?”

My former partner and I began dating in high school and married at a young age. We tied the knot when we were both 23, but our marriage ended before we reached the age of 25.

No infidelity or abu$e of any kind, just a t**ic relationship we were too young to recognize properly and eventually we got to a point in our marriage where we just hated each other. Thankfully, we never had kids and we were too young to have many assets, so the divorce was easy since neither of us wanted anything to do with the other.

I moved away, got a new job, and started a new life. My ex stayed in our hometown (where my brother currently lives). I haven’t spoken to my ex in almost 5 years. Obviously, my brother has known my ex for a long time and they were always close.

Apparently, despite my brother’s silence on the matter, they maintained a good friendship post-divorce. My brother informed me that he realizes the situation might feel strange, but it’s a one-time event, and it’s not as if my former partner and I are going to be walking down the aisle.

He mentioned that maintaining a separation between us would be an option if necessary. However, he values both my former partner and me, hoping we’ll both be part of his wedding. I anticipate being labeled as childish or small-minded by many, but I have no interest in being around my ex.

There’s a reason I haven’t spoken to him in so long, I have no desire to speak to him. Let alone be in the same wedding party as him. There’s going to be a lot of wedding party activities that are going to involve being in close proximity to him for extended periods of time. I want nothing to do with that.

I discussed everything with my brother, making it clear that if he insists on including my ex in his wedding party, I won’t be able to stand up as a bridesmaid and may need to rethink whether I can even be there at all.

My brother and I then engaged in some to-and-fro as he attempted to negotiate with me and assure me that it wouldn’t pose a significant problem, while I essentially maintained that my stance was firm.

Following that discussion, my other sister (26) and my mother have reached out to me, essentially telling me to stop being childish, that I’m acting immature and unreasonable, and that I should be able to tolerate being in the vicinity of my former partner for a brief time to be there for my brother.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

baka-tari −  It’s his day, your brother can invite whoever he wants to participate. But you don’t have to accept the invitation. Everyone likes to crow that line about “blood is thicker than water” so maybe your brother could consider who’s most important to him at his wedding.

You are NTA for opting out if your ex will be present, and your family are definitely the AHs for not getting where you’re coming from and pressuring you about it.

Edit to add: disregard.

Samael13 −  YTA – I mean, look… it’s your *brother’s wedding*. You obviously don’t *have* to go, but if you don’t, you’re basically giving your brother the finger. You knew that your brother was close to this person before you got together, so it shouldn’t actually be that big of a surprise that they’re still close, even though the two of you split.

There was no mistreatment or infidelity, just a mismatch between two individuals. I agree with your relatives; this seems insignificant. I’ve attended wedding celebrations alongside former partners. Given the five-year silence, simply *maintain the silence.* Should he attempt conversation, simply walk away and disregard his presence.

screamqueen57 −  Unless there is some information missing, soft YTA. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be in the wedding and have to engage with your ex, but refusing to go, period, is a pretty hard/seemingly petty line to draw, especially if, by your own admission, you both decided to end your marriage and walk away.

It’s worth noting that your former partner appears comfortable attending the wedding with you and is keeping to himself. While your family shouldn’t be pressuring you, it’s important to consider that your reluctance to set aside old resentments for a single day to support a loved one makes you seem childish and small-minded in comparison.

It seems your actual source of frustration isn’t your ex’s presence, but rather your brother’s continued friendship with them. It’s natural to feel hurt when it seems a loved one hasn’t supported you; however, you should openly communicate with your brother about this.

It’s important to let him know that you’re hurt he can so easily dismiss all the factors that caused your marriage to fail and remain friends with your former spouse. Your emotions are valid, and if you value your relationship with your brother, you should discuss the true source of your distress and find a path forward.

azzybirwin −  Ooooo tough one. Alright, I married my sister and BIL’s best friend. It was awesome and then we got divorced (blah blah long story) Never once did I expect my family to stop talking to him, inviting him to things, etc. We had all known him our whole life. He had been at family events, etc

Given that I am unaware of your circumstances or whether there are additional aspects to this breakup that you are not comfortable discussing on Reddit, I would suggest that, as others have pointed out, you must either progress beyond this point or remain stagnant. I don’t believe you are the antagonist, but I do think you are mistreating your brother by prioritizing your emotions above his wedding.

Clearly your ex is an important person to him as are you. If him being present at the wedding disturbs you that much, there’s clearly something you aren’t saying here and need to privately discuss with your brother. Otherwise you’re holding a grudge and that gets you nowhere

FuzzyMom2005 −  YTA. This is an immature reason. You said yourself the marriage ended because you two were just not ready for marriage. You can’t walk 20 feet next to a man there was no problem with?

poeadam −  YTA. It would be one thing if your ex had been a**sive. But you stated that isn’t the case. In my mind, if you love your brother you will s**k it up to be in the same room as the guy for one day.

HeirOfRavenclaw −  I mean you kinda are being petty and immature.. I’ve gotta go with YTA.

No-Lettuce-1845 −  YTA. You say yourself that the relationship with your ex was only t**ic. Grow up and get some mental boundaries. If after 5 years your ex can make you want to jeopardize your relationship with your family, you seriously are living in the past. Let it go, show him how little he means to you.

HazyLazySummer −  NAH. He invites whoever he wants and you have every right to refuse the invitation. And those that are badgering you need to mind their own business.

Middle_Advisor_5979 −  I know a lot of people will probably call me petty and immature. Well! Thanks for making this easy! YTA. Yes, it’s going to be tough, but nobody is asking you to be friendly or to socialize with him. You just need to be cool, formal, and don’t engage.

Should the user stand by her brother even if it means dealing with the awkwardness of her ex-husband’s presence, or is she justified in protecting her personal limits under these circumstances? How would you navigate this delicate situation if you were in her shoes? Let’s discuss your opinions!