AITA for planning a Disney trip without my stepdaughter and leaving her with her father?
A 41-year-old mother arranged a Disney vacation for her kids and nephew, leaving out her 16-year-old stepdaughter (SD) because she frequently grumbles and spoils family fun when others are excited. Given that SD hadn’t voiced any desire to go to Disney and her father was unable to go because of his job, the mother chose to have SD remain at home with him.
The husband thinks this makes her the guilty party, but she aimed to prevent her stepdaughter’s pessimism from impacting the vacation, particularly for her nephew who is fighting cancer. See the original story below…
‘ AITA for planning a Disney trip without my stepdaughter and leaving her with her father?’
I (41F) and my husband (41M) are parents to four children. I have a child from a prior relationship, he has two, and we share one. We’ve always strived to treat all the kids the same, although sometimes extended family includes some on trips and not others, particularly if we’re not present.
His children are taken on vacation by his parents, and my child refuses to go if I’m not there. This has never been a problem. However, whenever we arrange trips, we always include everyone. The issue is that my 16-year-old stepdaughter doesn’t enjoy the same activities as everyone else. Or she’ll enjoy something until someone else does.
*User123*: She was eager to take a ski vacation to Colorado during the winter season. Although the other kids weren’t as thrilled, we decided to go since it can be difficult to find activities she enjoys. Her enthusiasm waned when the other children began to have fun as well, and she expressed a desire to depart.
This is essentially what transpired during our visits to the zoo, museums, and other places. Moreover, if others expressed excitement about something, she would instantly dislike it. We suspected she might simply desire individual time with each parent. Consequently, we arranged separate outings with both her mother and father.
She continued to express her dissatisfaction throughout. Her therapist suggested incorporating activities involving both parents to demonstrate their ability to cooperate. They implemented this, but any sign of mutual enjoyment triggers her aversion to the activity. We’ve also organized outings for her and her mother, but she dislikes those as well.
The less interested we appear, the more determined she is to participate. This also extends to food. If another person expresses enjoyment, she will seek out reasons to disapprove. It is as if she cannot bear for others to experience pleasure. Additionally, she displays a stronger preference for activities that others are uninterested in.
This pattern continues even when her aunt and cousins are present. Her sister doesn’t behave this way at all. We’ve both inquired if she understands why this happens (their mother as well), but she just says, “She’s just a b****” and doesn’t offer further explanation. We’ve allowed her to select alternative outings and invited her to bring a friend, but the problem persists.
If someone else appreciates something she picked, she whines and claims it was her original concept, acting as though nobody else is allowed to appreciate it. So, this year, we’ve been discussing Disney for some time. My nephew is battling cancer and has always dreamed of visiting with us, as he lacks siblings and has few friends due to extensive school absences.
SD immediately voiced her disapproval the moment the others expressed interest. Her father mentioned the significant amount of work awaiting him upon his return. His employment is seasonal, necessitating that he accept assignments whenever available.
The children expressed their desire to travel, which aligned with his wishes for us to do so. Consequently, I arranged for our collective return the following year. I secured bookings for myself, my sister, my nephew, and three of our children, determining that SD could remain with her father, given her lack of interest in the trip.
My husband says ITA for not planning for her to come too but I don’t want her ruining the trip with complaints with my nephew there. Aita?
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
ByronicPan − NTA, I’d only advice, you, your partner and the child’s mother to focus more on her mental health treatment because this thing sounds very pathological to say the least
iseeisayibe − NTA. Reddit is gonna hate this, but hormonal contrarian teens should not be able to hold their families hostage like she has. Y’all have treated her like a small child with a terminal diagnosis, and that’s not doing her any favors. She needs boundaries and a mental health professional.
All of her parents—biological and stepparents—could benefit from therapy, both as a family and individually. Regarding the notion of fairness, it’s not fair to subject your other children to her nonsense, nor is it fair to force her on a vacation she will clearly dislike. Your husband’s perspective is incorrect.
chasingkaty − INFO; Have any of the grown ups ever sat her down and asked her why she does this? She’s 16, she’s old enough to have a calm conversation about why she complains as soon as someone else likes something she enjoys. Maybe the fact you speak to her about it may help her realise someone has noticed (if she’s trying to get station by doing it).
AdmirableSwing3138 − NTA, it sounds like she is struggling to find her individuality. I wasn’t this extreme but I definitely thought if I liked things people weren’t keen on or didn’t know about that I was unique and it was special. I didn’t want to like the same things as everyone else either.
I’m happy to report that I matured past that phase when I began desiring to partake in activities alongside others and exchange experiences. You’re performing admirably in your efforts to assist her in understanding the situation, by allocating time and activities among all parents.
Choosing not to include her seems like the ideal way to handle things for everyone involved. You’ve earned the right to enjoy any vacation, particularly one that costs so much, and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that with unnecessary drama. When she begins to complain, I suggest simply disregarding her. Continue enjoying yourself and allow her to adapt and join in the fun.
dontlikebeige − NTA, but don’t get bogged down in her behavioral problem. Just say, SD said she didn’t want to go. Staying home with you is what she wanted. The plans are made. Honestly, your husband is mostly ticked off that he is in charge of his daughter while you are gone. He was hoping to have the time time himself. Well, tough.
Kaynico − NTA She’s 16. Plenty old enough to lay in the bed she makes. She said she didn’t want to go, so plans were made with her not going. She’ll learn quick, hard, and fast in the real world that nobody wants to waste time or energy on a selfish, entitled killjoy.
Waste_Worker6122 − NTA. Disney is s**t-ton expensive; why would you want to take someone who clearly doesn’t want to go (or only wants to come along to s**t stir?).
seth928 − INFO: Have you talked to your SD directly about this? She’s old enough to have a conversation that starts with, “Look, when you act like this it lowers the enjoyment of everyone else. It’s to the point that it’s not fair to your siblings.”
What did she say in reply? To put it simply, have you spoken to her explicitly about the issue and allowed her an opportunity to correct her actions? To clarify, this needs to be a discussion held separately from when the behavior is occurring.
Nester1953 − SD: I don’t want to go.. You: OK, you don’t have to go. Husband: Oh no, you must take SD with you! You’re an A if you don’t take SD with you!
Nope. If SD wanted to go and you excluded her, that would be a problem.
It sounds like she has expressed very clearly that she is against this trip and doesn’t want to go. What good would come from making her go? Not the A.
Should all individuals have been accommodated, even if it meant facing possible challenges? I’m interested in hearing your thoughts on this matter!
