AITA for telling my family that if they gift us money for our wedding, there will be no “strings attached” or we will politely decline it?

the couple’s vision began to shift as they grappled with the temptation to accept the financial assistance and potentially expand their wedding plans beyond their original intentions.

The arrival was swift, accompanied by requests and prerequisites, including mandated participants, color palettes, and further requirements that overshadowed the pair’s intended aesthetic.

They responded by stating unequivocally that any monetary contribution had to be unconditional, or they would refuse it. This resulted in negative reactions from relatives, with some even warning they would boycott the ceremony. The pair are now thinking about scrapping the entire celebration and running away to get married.

‘ AITA for telling my family that if they gift us money for our wedding, there will be no “strings attached” or we will politely decline it?’

I utterly despise the wedding industry. It’s all garbage. My partner and I believed we could avoid the garbage and expense by keeping it small. Unexpectedly, our relatives began offering financial assistance to enlarge and enhance the event. Although it caught us off guard, it was a pleasant surprise.

Then the demands started coming out. They wanted this, they wanted that, they wanted this person to come, these colors, dresses can’t do this, this person has to be flower girl, this person HAS to be a groomsman, etc etc. Suddenly it didn’t feel like our wedding, but an excuse for our families to have a family reunion..

We had to make it clear that, while we appreciate everyone’s thoughtfulness and willingness to give for our wedding, it seems there may have been some misunderstandings. We didn’t realize that accepting monetary gifts for this wedding would come with conditions.

Given the sheer volume of requests and demands from individuals we never anticipated would feel entitled to an opinion on *our* wedding, we’ve opted to refund everyone’s contributions. It seems our definitions of what constitutes a gift diverge significantly.

Should you wish to donate funds to us unconditionally, we would be pleased to receive them. However, if you feel your donation should be tied to specific conditions, we must respectfully reject it.

This has stirred up a major controversy, so much so that individuals are declaring their refusal to attend our wedding (frankly, not a terrible outcome). We’re being labeled as spoiled and inconsiderate, among other things.

My folks aren’t thrilled, but hers (who were very easygoing and offered a modest financial present) think we made a good choice. We’re seriously considering scrapping the entire celebration and eloping to have the wedding we truly desire. Are we in the wrong?

Check out how the community responded:

MakeAutomata −  NTA. that we are spoiled. “We’re spoiled because you cant get what you want at our wedding?”

Spike-Tail-Turtle −  NTA. That’s how gifts work. I vote ditch the whole ceremony and do a small destination wedding just the two ish of you

PattyLeeTX −  I fear that weddings have gone from being a celebration of the beginning of a life together to an “everyone cater to my every whim and make me queen for a day and idk, may divorce later.”

OP, this isn’t specifically about your wedding; your situation is unique, and if it accurately reflects your family, you’re not in the wrong. I’ve simply been immersed in wedding drama on the AITA subreddit.

The custom of parents wanting to extend invitations to others stems from the idea that accomplishments and fortunate events should be shared with loved ones. Reflecting on past experiences, my family made it a point to be present at wedding celebrations (where children were always welcome) for relatives, families of neighbors, and children of work colleagues, among others.

Close companions and relatives took part in the lives of other families, attending children’s birthdays, pre-wedding celebrations, and observing youngsters mature from their initial steps to high school graduation, and occasionally higher education, before entering married life and beginning the process anew. Nuptials were held in the neighborhood church, followed by gatherings in the adjacent function room, or even in a family’s residence.

It could be that increased mobility and frequency of relocation lead to greater independence among children. With parents contributing significantly to college expenses, covering the entire wedding cost becomes challenging. As a result, couples are increasingly financing their own weddings, transforming the event into a lavish celebration rather than a reflective moment on their shared future.

Parents also desire to celebrate alongside their companions. The journey of raising children is lengthy and filled with pressure, and seeing their child united in marriage with their life partner brings about a feeling of, “We’ve made it! We can finally relax, knowing they’re embarking on a shared future together, supporting each other through whatever lies ahead.” It truly requires a community.

Showing excessive gratitude for being invited, such as presenting a gift that matches or exceeds the dinner’s price, isn’t expected of guests. Instead, the couple getting married should move around the reception, expressing their appreciation to the guests for celebrating their happiness with them.

Wedding parties ought to consist of cherished individuals who aided the bride and groom in their journey to becoming the kind of mature individuals capable of a loving marriage, not just attractive acquaintances deemed “pretty enough, but not prettier than the bride” whom they’ve only known briefly and are pressured to alter their appearance.

They spend $250 on their makeup appointment and have the wealth to host extravagant bachelorette parties in exotic locations. I’d prefer to see more elopements and 20th-anniversary celebrations—occasions where the longevity of the relationship is certain, and a beautiful dress doesn’t come with a $20,000 price tag.

I may be a bit behind the times, but I hope my children find someone they envision spending their lives with, and that their commitment, whether in a simple ceremony or a grand affair, is a lasting one. Thanks for listening to my thoughts.

darthbreezy −  My favorite part of the whole post? The constant use of WE. You and your Bride. WE are choosing this. WE have responded thus. YOU are on the path to a wonderful partnership – off to the Wilderness with you and have a wonderful life together.. Obviously NTA

HarmnMac −  NTA…..That money was not a gift

regalbirdnerd −  NTA, a gift is a gift

Asteroth555 −  Our understanding of what a gift is must be very different. I think the only part of this message that rubbed me wrong (and i’m not even involved) was this part.. It wasn’t necessary. People would still get angry but I think that 1 line made it extra worse.
You’re NTA for what it’s worth. Just my 2 cents about it

swiss-mike −  Nta, weddings and funerals are when you learn who your true fam is.

Dr_thri11 −  NTA, but you could have worded things a bit more diplomatically.

C6H11CN −  NTA, and I just laughed long and hard at your letter to everyone. It’s your wedding and they want to dictate colors? They don’t care about your wedding; they care about fulfilling some fantasy in their heads about their perfect wedding.

Was the pair correct to maintain their wedding arrangements as they were, or should they have considered other options to avoid conflict with relatives? If you were in their position, would you have acted in another way?