WIBTA if I told my husband to commit to a relationship with his kids or to just leave them alone?
The Reddit user is in a tough spot because her estranged husband is becoming more detached from their young children, even though he said they would raise them together.
Torn about how her daughter is coping with her father’s lack of involvement, the user is contemplating whether it’s inappropriate to request he either fully engage in her life or disengage entirely. The complete account is provided below for your consideration.
‘ WIBTA if I told my husband to commit to a relationship with his kids or to just leave them alone?’
My spouse and I are now living apart because of his infidelity, which occurred in May. He chose to relocate an hour and a half away, near his lover, but assured me he would help raise our children and would always be there for them.
Initially, he’d visit the children (F3 and M1) for a couple of hours every few days, and video call my daughter in the interim (he usually called near her bedtime since our son was already asleep).
The frequency of his visits and video calls decreased over time, with his last visit occurring on July 9th. Since then, he has only video-chatted with his daughter three times and has shown no interest in his son. He hasn’t even sent a text to inquire about their well-being and appears uninterested in the pictures I send, simply reacting with a heart emoji.
He also hasn’t provided any financial support, but I’m not interested in his funds. My kids have affection for their father, and I’m not seeking to penalize him, but I’m losing patience with his actions. It’s been over a week since his last communication.
My child burst into tears this evening, desperately wanting to speak with her father, so I sent him a text to see if he was available for a call. He replied that he had just arrived at a four-day music event and would be unable to talk until Monday.
I didn’t explain to her the reason for his silence, I simply stated, “I’m sorry sweetie, your father is occupied.” Her reply was, “He no longer cares for me.” She is 3 years old. So, would I be the AH if I told my husband to either dedicate himself to consistent visits/conversations with them or to remain uninvolved altogether?
I want nothing more than for my kids to have a relationship with their dad but he clearly hasn’t made them a priority. I don’t want to be a “bitter baby mamma” or a “jaded ex-wife” but I want to advocate for the relationship they deserve.
Heres the input from the Reddit crowd:
Top-Sympathy7731 − NTA, but you need to get legal involved otherwise this will simply become an emotional and mental drain on you trying to get him involved. You should also consider the possibility of him taking out his frustrations of the kids being “forced” on him on the kids themselves.
jamwarn − NTA. But You need a schedule. Kids do well with a routine. You’re not even coparenting. You are parenting and he is just coming and going as he pleases and that leaves you to pick up the pieces he leaves behind.
A commitment from both parents to prioritize the well-being of their children is essential for successful co-parenting, but it seems this isn’t the dynamic in your situation. In my opinion, you’re being overly generous. I believe he isn’t intentionally trying to disengage, but he doesn’t merit the unrestricted access you’re currently granting him. Inform him of your intention to seek legal counsel to initiate formal proceedings, thereby establishing his legal duties towards the children.
CalligrapherFair3678 − So heartbreaking that your daughter thinks her father doesnt love her. She and your son deserve better.. NTA.
weirdcrabdog − ESH. Get a divorce, get child support. I understand the whole prideful “I don’t want his money” stuff for YOU, but you have two very young children, if you’re good without the money open a savings account for THEM so when they’re old enough they’ll at least have something positive from their father.
This guy is a jerk. He will be on his own for a period, but he’s likely not bright enough to avoid fathering more children, which will further disadvantage your children. Obtain a legally mandated child support order and establish a visitation schedule before he considers using the kids to negotiate against you; take care of things while you have the upper hand.
apeapina − Your children have the RIGHT To a legal arrangement.
[Reddit User] − ESH. You would be the a**hole to make the choice without going all the legal routes first.. Get child support set up.. Ask for actual visitation. He is an a**hole for not calling his kids.
Confident-Bluejay883 − NTA. You aren’t co parenting. Not even close. You should have a serious, calm conversation with him explaining how this is impacting your daughter and that he will be a distant memory, or a stranger who calls once in awhile to your son if this continues. If he doesn’t show interest, ask him to relinquish parental rights. Your kids would be better off
Chance-Lavishness947 − NTA but it’s time to get a formalised agreement via court. You may not want his money but it’s not for you, it’s for your kids. If you don’t need it for their living expenses, put it in savings/ investments for them.
He must face consequences, otherwise, he will continue to drift in and out of their lives, causing ongoing problems. It’s obvious he relishes the lack of daily duties and isn’t thinking about how his choices affect your children.
If he’s unreliable, it’s preferable to schedule a few visits annually, allowing the children to recognize and understand him. As they enter early adolescence, they will either idolize him or hold themselves responsible for his absence.
Keeping interactions minimal greatly reduces the impact. It’s obvious he won’t provide the caring and present father figure they need, which is unfortunate, but he can’t simply abandon his responsibilities without facing repercussions.
[Reddit User] − you need a lawyer
MorphogeneticGrid − I think you’ve got the right idea. My mother never planned for my father to be involved in my life, but he insisted, and wrote and visited irregularly when I was little. When I was ten, I stopped hearing from him.
It significantly impacted how I understand relationships. I spent a considerable amount of time questioning why I was no longer adequate for him and how I had disappointed him. Despite my mother assuring me that he was at fault, I remained convinced that I was the one making mistakes.
It took me years to realize he’s the one who failed me, and I’m still hurting from it. I believe it’s fair to state that parenting demands consistency; otherwise, abstaining is an option.
You’re acting in your children’s best interests, particularly for your daughter, who already believes her father is indifferent, and for your son, whom you want to prevent from ever experiencing that sentiment. However, given that you cannot compel his consistent presence, if you wish to offer him another opportunity, I recommend seeking guidance from a therapist on how to discuss the matter with your children should he repeatedly fail to show up.
Make sure he understands from the start that failing to meet his obligations means the end of the relationship, as your children are entitled to a better situation. I’m not familiar enough with the legal aspects to offer an opinion on that, but as far as the overall idea is concerned, you are NTA. I wish you well. <3
Should a mother insist her spouse be reliable for their children’s benefit, or should she patiently await his independent decision to value them? What strategies would you employ in this challenging co-parenting scenario? Respond with your opinions!
