AITA for asking my stbx husband why I’d take him back when the nanny does more for the family than she does?
A person on Reddit recounted their divorce from their spouse, triggered by the spouse’s disengagement from parenting duties, which stood in stark contrast to the nanny’s dedicated childcare.
The original poster (OP) doubted her husband’s sincerity regarding his request to get back together for the children. She emphasized that the nanny contributes more to their family than he ever has. With his family now disapproving, the OP is unsure if it was wrong to draw that parallel. The complete account is provided below.
‘ AITA for asking my stbx husband why I’d take him back when the nanny does more for the family than she does?’
My spouse and I are in the process of divorcing after separating. We have children aged three and eight. He is a business owner and had informed me that he would arrive home between 5:30 and 6:00 PM each evening. Since I typically get home between 6:00 and 6:30 PM, I never questioned his consistent early arrivals.
I had my three-year-old in daycare’s extended hours and my eight-year-old in her school’s after-school activities because I thought my husband was employed. However, when our oldest encountered difficulties with her program mid-year, I opted for a nanny instead of the extended care programs.
Two weeks into the arrangement, the nanny phoned me, explaining that my soon-to-be ex-husband had locked her out. He instructed her to bring the children to the park, but they were hungry, and she lacked the necessary car seats. (She didn’t need car seats because his residence was within walking distance of the school and daycare).
He told me when I phoned that he’d arrived home ahead of schedule and desired some peace away from the children, as well as not wanting an unknown 18-year-old in the residence. Because of this, I was forced to depart from my job before the end of my shift to allow the children into the house.
During my conversation with the caregiver, she mentioned that upon her return with the children, he was invariably present. Furthermore, she characterized him as consistently challenging, citing his insistence that she and the children remain confined to one of the kids’ bedrooms, his indifference towards the children’s attempts to communicate with him, and his irritation when she briefly exited the room for a snack.
That pushed me over the edge. Before the following week was out, I had filed divorce papers, and my children and I had moved out before the end of the month after that. I eventually dismissed that nanny and we now have Amina, who is 24. Amina is a refugee from the Middle East and has three children of her own, ages 2, 4, and 7.
Having Amina on staff is among the smartest moves I’ve ever made. I return each day to a tidy house, completed schoolwork, and some incredibly delicious Arabic cuisine. I’m not sure how she accomplishes all that she does, but with her help, I can actually spend time with my children, rather than struggle to prepare meals, tidy up, and get my eight-year-old to focus on her assignments.
She takes care of buying groceries, remembering school activities, and even buying clothes and school supplies for the children. My soon-to-be ex-husband never did any of those things. One time, I left him to care for the children for a week when I had to travel for work.
Their diet of fast food and pizza greatly upset my 8-year-old’s digestive system. The residence was in a terrible state, worse than I had ever witnessed. Our then 2-year-old was out of clean clothes, and instead of doing laundry, he simply purchased new garments for her.
My stbx has been asking about getting back together. He says us being together is better for the kids. I told him he’s never thought about what’s good for the kids. Even when he takes them for the weekend, all they do is go to grandmas house. I asked why I should go back to him when Amina does more for us than he ever did.
He claimed his job was to support the family, implying it was unlike my working, despite me working nearly twice as many hours for similar pay. Now, his relatives are calling me a terrible mother, asserting that if I truly cared for my children, I’d want them to have two parents present. Am I the unreasonable one?
These are the responses from Reddit users:
Accomplished_Mud1658 − NTA I personally would marry Amina. P.S: a neglectful a**sive parent is worse than a single parent. Ask any child psychologist. What you’re describing is not lazyness it’s straight out a abuse. You can loose your kids if CPS had been called in the last situation. You REALLY need to think about the kids and not what society told us about what’s good for the kids.
Fibro-Mite − You do not have to give a reason to anyone for not wanting to reconcile. If they insist, then “I found that I am happier, the kids are more stable, and our lives run more smoothly as things are right now.” That’s it. No-one is owed an explanation for your decision, not even the stbx.
Gloomy-Razzmatazz548 − I know I’m a complete stranger, but I just wanted to say I am so f**king proud of you. I tell women almost every day, staying with a man who neglects you, neglects your kids, and neglects your home is not worth it.
Remaining in a harmful relationship creates a poor role model for your children. It can also teach your sons to become irresponsible and inattentive as they mature. My life and my daughter’s life improved significantly once I separated from my former partner and employed childcare assistance. You acted appropriately by defending yourself and your children.
beek_r − NTA Your kids already have two parents. It’s not like one of them disappears just because you divorce. Actually, your kids didn’t have a decent father while you were married – this way at least you’re only parenting two children.
Cranky70something − NTA, obviously. Why are you even asking?
RevolutionaryBad4470 − Marry Amina and help her get citizenship! Or just help her get citizenship in general lol. But seriously, she sounds amazing and your ex is a POS.
siren2040 − Nta. Even separated, the kids still have two parents. Logically on paper they do anyways. Realistically, their dad isn’t doing anything to provide for them, and wasn’t doing anything for them really before, so having him around the house really doesn’t help you or benefit the kids at all.
If he’s incapable of watching the kids for a couple of days and keeps pushing that responsibility onto his mother, how do you think he’ll manage when it’s just him and you in his own house? 🤷🤷 It’s unfortunate, but perhaps his family should have done a better job raising him if they wanted him to remain married.
savinathewhite − NTA. You would only be an AH if you gave up the stable and happy life your children now have, to get back together with an a**sive parent. Long term n**lect, emotional detachment, and literally locking them out of the house, are a**sive. Maybe not physically violent -yet- but still emotionally and developmentally a**sive.
Why would you even consider associating with someone who is openly dishonest? The claim that your ex doesn’t want to reconcile for the sake of your children is false – he’s never cared about them. He simply wants you back as his domestic help and hopes to evade child support payments.
hip_hop_sweetheart − NTA – They have 2 parents still. Y’all don’t need to be together for that. 🙄
horselover134 − Your kids have 2 parents! Tell him to GROW THE F**K UP and be a father!! The two of you certainly don’t need to be together for them to have decent parents!
Was the original poster’s remark excessively severe, or was it a fair reaction to her spouse’s failure to participate? Should they think about getting back together for their children’s benefit, or would they be better off going their separate ways? Post your opinions in the comments!
